Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to Change the odds of podcast where marriage and family were never meant to be. A game of chance. My name is Kevin Thompson. Once again, Adrienne Neufeld.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:05]:
Hello.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:06]:
You're back. Here you are. And yet still no Blaine. Longest round of golf of all time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:11]:
I know. Yeah. 24 hours.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:13]:
All right, Adrienne. So we're in week two of becoming friends, partners, and lovers, as here at Bayside Granite Bay out here in Sacramento, California. We're taking 500 of our closest friends through this study you and Blaine are hosting. I'm giving talks. Last week we talked about this idea of what does it mean to become friends, partners, lovers? The idea that we're all in process of something. You're going after something either intentionally or you're drifting, but you are moving. No couple is set in stone by any means. And this week, we're going to kind of kick off the second part of this intro with this idea of intention.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:48]:
So the number one cause of divorce, if you were to guess, having not heard my talk now that you have already heard, what would you have thought before having the knowledge that you now have, would be the biggest cause of divorce in the people that, you know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:02]:
Probably, like, adultery or like being unfaithful.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:05]:
Yeah. Yeah. Understandably so.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:07]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:07]:
And many people would assume that. And. And no doubt that that is a significant issue. I don't know if you've noticed this, but even where we are, it's a pretty significant issue. Almost. Almost a normal. Normalized kind of thing. Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:20]:
Yeah, I know.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:21]:
Who's not? Like, sometimes I have these conversations with people, and literally they can come across like, well, who's not having an affair? And I'm like, most people, I would hope, happy people.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:32]:
I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:33]:
Yeah. Crazy.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:34]:
There is this cultural kind of thing. Maybe it's where we are in California. I don't know. But what we're going to find out today is that adultery is a very serious problem, but it's not the number one cause of divorce. Instead of something else. And that's what we're going to hear right now. Let's go inside the worship center, bayside Granite Bay, as we talk about what is the number one cause of divorce?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:54]:
What if you had to guess?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:56]:
You don't have to call it out.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:57]:
Loud, but I'll give you some options. What would you say is the number one cause of divorce in America? What's the number one cause? Okay, so the answers typically given would be things like adultery, finances, conflict, family, outside expectations of work, and things like that. Generally speaking, if you Ask the average couple, what is your number one issue? Number one problem, they say it is communication. All of those are false. None of those are accurate. The number one cause of divorce is apathy. It's apathy that either one or both partners have allowed apathy to take over. Notice, this apathy then expresses itself as all the things that we just listed.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:59]:
So if somebody is apathetic toward emotionally and physically nourishing the marriage and their spouse, it sets both spouses up into a scenario in which somebody else could appeal to them because of what they're missing. At the same time, even if that's not happening, if somebody is apathetic toward meaningful boundaries within their relationship. To recognize that because I've committed my life solely to Jenny, There are some boundaries that I now have. There are some things I will not do with other people. There are some places I will not position myself. There are some activities I will not take place in. Because I'm now going to protect myself. Not only to protect myself, but to make Jenny feel confident and secure in who I am.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:41]:
If I am apathetic toward that, then adultery can actually begin to happen to some extent. Communication. If I am apathetic toward listening, toward sharing my opinions, toward trying to comprehend, understand what's going on, apathetic toward actually having the conversation, apathetic toward broaching the difficult issue. The issue in and of itself is not communication. The issue is our apathy in strengthening our communication. And growing and understanding and staying actively involved. Listening is an active skill. You cannot apathetically listen.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:20]:
Sharing your heart requires now effort and energy. You cannot apathetically share your heart. Learning new skills and to figure out what is it about my communication that comes across so wrong. How is it that I can communicate in a meaningful, fun, loving, compassionate way. That actually draws us closer together rather than separating us apart, that is an active skill. And any apathy in that area Will communicate itself as a communication problem. When in reality, oftentimes it's a problem of apathy. Money.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:54]:
First of all, if I'm apathetic toward work, I'm not going to have money. But then beyond that, if I'm apathetic toward understanding what money means to my spouse and means to me. If I'm apathetic toward learning how is it that I should actually give, save, spend, earn, how do I handle money? If I'm apathetic about learning these new skills, about having the hard conversation about how are we spending money? And if I'm apathetic towards saying, hey, these are some Long term goals. And so I'm gonna be willing to suffer now. I'm gonna go without now so that we can have what is to come. If I am apathetic toward that and I just drift into taking whatever it is I want in this very moment, just hoping something will take care of itself in the future, then money will express itself as the main problem. But it's actually apathy that the issue. Think about the idea of intimacy.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:49]:
Intimacy now requires intention, effort. If I am apathetic toward wooing my spouse, toward showing her that I care for her, to pursue after her, to desire her, to communicate that desire. If I'm apathetic toward doing it in a kind and a loving and support supportive way in which she feels protected and known and seen and heard, valued and understood and safe in every way. If I'm apathetic toward the concept of safety whenever it comes to vulnerability, then it's gonna express itself as a problem of intimacy. But it's actually a problem of apathy. If I'm apathetic toward growing together, then we will drift apart. If I'm not trying to pursue after, who is Jenny and what does she mean to me? And how is it that she's changing in this moment? How can we draw closer together and how can we grow individ? How can we grow together? If I'm apathetic toward my own growth, well, she's gonna naturally keep on growing and we're gonna suddenly end up in different places, all because of the apathy of my own growth. And it's gonna express itself as we've grown apart.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:53]:
But in reality, that's happened because of our own apathy. Unresolved conflict. Well, again, if I'm apathetic toward having the hard conversation or learning the skill of how to actually handle conflict, I will think that we ended our marriage because of irreconcilable differences. In reality, we ended it because of my own apathy. And then external pressures, outside sources. If I'm not intentional about making sure I prioritize Jenny over everybody else, if I approach that with apathy, then my natural bonds and binds that I have with my family of origin, with my friends, with my workplace, all those things will begin to compete within my relationship. And it will feel like external sources are hindering my marriage, when in reality it is my own apathy. The truth of the matter is, whatever relationship you have with your spouse is solely 100% determined by you and your spouse and nobody else.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:50]:
And yet, if you're apathetic toward holding onto that it can honestly feel like these in laws or these friends are tearing us apart. But it's not them. It's ultimately us. And so we have to get in our mind that the number one cause of divorce, the greatest threat to us, the greatest enemy to us, it is not adultery, it's not money, it's not poor communication. It's none of these things. The greatest enemy is apathy. And the antidote to apathy is intention. To the extent that you and I are now intentional about our relationship, we will begin to reap the rewards, experience the fruit that comes from that.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:29]:
But when we are just hoping that it turns out just begging that man, maybe. I know others seem pretty successful with this, and we're not any worse than they are. So hopefully this will just work out. If that's our goal, that's where we're placing our hope. It's a perilous position in the world in which we live now. That might have worked in past generations. It's not going to work right now. And yet, if you and I are very intentional about our growth, you've heard me use this illustration a thousand times.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:57]:
I'm going to keep on using it because it makes the point. If you see somebody tonight that you have not seen since Big Wednesdays back in the fall, and they have dramatically changed by losing weight and getting me into shape, and you were to ask them tonight, how did that happen? They would not say, darndest thing. Driving down the road and had the Tesla on auto drive and it pulled right into a workout facility. And I thought, well, I'm here. I might as well. They're not going to say, man, I was in the grocery store and I usually go down the ice cream aisle, but for whatever reason, I just lollygagged my way down the vegetable aisle and I thought, well, I'm here. It just doesn't happen. There is nothing good in your life, in all likelihood, that has happened through drift or just sheer accident.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:51]:
All the meaningful things in life are the byproduct of intention. That something within us there was a need and a desire and something within us created within us a desire for an outcome. And we set our minds and we created a community and we learned the new skills and we went through the hardship and we failed. But we didn't let the failure set us back. We still got back up the next day and we kept on pursuing after that, which was important. And eventually we began to see some gains to such an extent that there actually came a point which the very thing that I was once scared of, or the very thing that I was once dreading, or the very thing that I had to push through suddenly now I almost find myself a little bit addicted to it. That if I don't have that, if I don't have that intention, if I don't do that work, I feel like I'm missing out in some way. And that which used to be hard is actually now easy because I've been transformed.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:42]:
What would it look like? Do you realize this is the next book, but we're a ways away from that. That you can actually rewire your brain to be a better spouse and that your actions are either wiring your brain to think more about your spouse in a more positive way or wiring your brain to think less about your spouse or in a more negative way. That the habits you are living out right now one day, the actions you're living out right now will five years from now be those things which just fire in your brain just so naturally and so easily? That here's the truth. I don't have to work really hard at this stage of life to think about Jenny because I've done a lot of work to make sure that I'm thinking about her now. It doesn't mean I'm always considerate the way I need to. Clearly, changes need to happen, all those things. But, man, if you're a married life pastor and you're struggling thinking about your wife very often, you're probably not doing this right now. Again, I'm not saying perfection at all.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:47]:
And there is a reason that she will not have a microphone tonight. But there's a possibility that if you were to ask Jenny, Jenny might say, I kind of wish you'd think about me less. Like, give me a break, right? But what about you? What are you wiring in your brain at this moment? Well, if intention is so obvious, why would we ever not show it and end up with apathy? Well, you can see on page 12 kind of what the basic theory is there of what are the counterfeits now? What prevents us from experiencing this intention that I want us to show specifically for these next six weeks? I want us to see what can we do over these next six weeks that then can funnel into the rest of our years. But what would it look like if just for these six weeks, we were extremely intentional with our relationships? Spending time together, having conversation together, thinking about each other, texting each other in loving and compassionate ways, making a breakthrough in some areas? What would that look like? Well, the first is simply this. What keeps us from intention is fear. Our fear is if we actually leverage effort in this way, what if we get rejected or judged? Or we can feel like, man, our relationship is in a pretty good spot. I don't want to risk it because, man, if I bring this up or if we start working in some way, then I might get called out to some extent.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:15]:
I don't want to do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:16]:
And there's a good number of people who aren't in this room right now, and their thinking is basically this, we're pretty good. I don't want to show up and let him screw us up. What they don't recognize is that is a pathway of avoidance that won't be felt in a negative way today, but a year from now, they'll feel it, the lack of intention a year from now, two years from now. And I think that's what is such the difficulty in the same way, right, of eating poorly. If I had a cookie backstage, hypothetically, that would never happen. But if I was eating a cookie backstage, it's not like I'm going to walk out of here right now and feel bad. It's that you're gonna see the cookie a week from now and a year from now. I've always said, man, if, like, you threw up the moment you ate a Twinkie, like, eating healthy would be much easier.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:06]:
But it doesn't work that way. I throw up the moment I eat a carrot. But the good stuff, you don't see it. And so for some people, they're afraid of what would happen if I actually showed effort or energy. And because they don't experience an immediate negative consequence to that, they don't recognize the slow drip of erosion of how the relationship beginning to drift in a way they don't want it to. Another concept is this idea of a soulmate. So this is the idea of there's no need to do work if I married the right person, this should just naturally be easy. Like, it should just happen.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:41]:
I tell the story in friends, partners and lovers. This idea of a soulmate. Notice this is in no way a Christian thought. People think it is. They're like, oh, Adam and Eve, that's a soulmate concept. No, it's not. Scripture gives no allusion to that whatsoever. That God has created one person just specifically for you.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:55]:
As a matter of fact, this very question was asked of Jesus by the Pharisees. A man loses his wife, he marries another woman. Who is he married to in heaven? Who's his soulmate? Jesus. And Jesus says, we don't even have Marriage in heaven. The soulmate idea actually comes from Greek mythology. I tell the story in Friends, partners and Lovers, and what happens there is the gods were looking down on four armed, four legged humanity and they were afraid. The gods were afraid that if humanity ever ganged up, they could overtake them. Think about how weak those gods are.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:29]:
And so in order to distract them, they came up with a plan. We will cut humanity in half so that two armed, two legged humanity would spend the rest of their lives looking for their other half. That's Greek mythology. And yet it still seeps into our world today to where even in church you'll hear people say, well, I'm just looking for my soulmate. Good luck, they don't exist. And yet here's the fear that if you believe in a soulmate, then that begins to imply this idea. If I just find the right person, all this will be easy. And so when it's not easy, I must not have found the right person.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:10]:
So let's try again, never recognizing that it was never meant to be easy. You are married to a sinner and you are a sinner. If there is a soulmate, you're already disqualified because of the sin in your life. And yet marriage is now this way to experience God's grace and transformation. And so that's going to require work. Well, then the third idea here is this idea of. Now this idea, a marriage is a flip of a coin. So while a soulmate believes I shouldn't have to do work, the flip of a coin is.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:44]:
It's so left up to chance. Why would I make the effort? Because it just really doesn't matter what I do. It's just whether or not I get lucky or not, whether or not I did marry the right person or our personalities are going to mix well together. And so you hear the idea that, oh, 50% of all marriages end a divorce, which is not true, by the way, but even that, the divorce rate is very high. No doubt, but we often think that the divorce rate is high, therefore it's just a risk. Let's just see. Flip the coin. Do I get marriage or divorce? Oh, I got divorced this time.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:14]:
All right, flip it again. Marriage or divorce? Oh, finally, I got marriage. All right, now we're in. And so if that's the case, if it doesn't matter what you do, why would you do any effort or work? Because life already demands enough from us. But what we don't recognize is most often the outcome we are getting is the byproduct of the work, the two people are actually doing. And so the irony about believing that marriage is just the flip of a coin is it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And if you don't do the work, the coin just keeps on coming up in the negative way. But it's amazing how lucky you become whenever you start doing the work.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:48]:
And that's a double entendre, my friends. Nothing. I get nothing from that. That is a funnier joke than y'all just gave me credit for. It's amazing how lucky you get when you start doing the work. Okay, man, this is a much tougher crowd than what I'm used to on Wednesday nights. All right, so let's look at these next five minutes. Let's look at what are some intentional steps you can take in order to begin to invest in your marriage.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:15]:
And these are not big, grandiose schemes. These are in the next six weeks, I want you to start incorporating these. These are not in the book. This is out of material. So just find a place that you can begin to write these down. I want you, in the next six weeks to start doing these seven things on a regular basis. You don't have to do every single one every single day. But let's look at what happens.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:35]:
What is the result, the byproduct of these kind of intentional steps? Number one, start the day with connection. Now, recognize within this, different people have different schedules. So for some of you, because of your work schedules, this is not going to be possible. And that's fine. If it's not possible, that's totally fine. But here's what you got to understand. If my work schedule prevents me from doing this, okay, I can't do that. I'm not going to feel guilty about it, but I got to make up for it in some way.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:04]:
So if other couples get to connect to start the day, we don't get to connect to start today. We. We gotta make up for that in some other way. We gotta connect in a way that other couples actually aren't. But this is an idea, and you'll see it throughout this list. This is the idea of we're gonna launch and we're going to land in very meaningful, intentional ways with each other. And notice, this is not the idea of you have to wake up every morning and spend two hours together as you're doing your quiet times, and then you get out and meanwhile the kids are running around and it's all chaos around the house. It's not that.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:37]:
And this means different things in different seasons, no doubt. But here's basically What I mean, make some kind of connection beyond just a kiss on the cheek as you walk out. Although a kiss on the cheek is a positive thing. Pause and slow down just a minute. Wake up one minute earlier in order to have a 60 second hug with each other. Instead of rushing out of the house as you're walking out, pause for a moment, look each other in the eye and intentionally say, I love you, I'm with you today. Just have some kind of connection. Because here's what happens.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:10]:
Again, not ill intended at all. We just get busy. We lose intention, and with apathy we let this go and the next thing you know, we just walk out of the house without ever reminding each other we're on the same team. Pick a way every single day to start your day with we're on the same team. Even if one has to get up really early and go to work and the other one doesn't. All right, you know what their schedule is. Then shoot a text right at the moment that you know their alarm clock is going off and say, hey, good morning. Love you.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:40]:
Start each day, let's launch people out into this world knowing that we are on their side. Number two, intentionally choose to love your spouse today. So now you are literally going to take a moment and you are going to recognize I get to choose today whether or not I love them. And notice here it is not dependent on who they are or what they're doing. It's I'm going to choose today for me to act in a loving way toward them. Don't leave that to chance. Don't leave that to drift. Don't just assume you're going to do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:16]:
Make an intentional step, that this is what I'm going to do. Number three, ask the question as much as you can. How can I help you today? What's one way I can help you today? Here's what I love about that question. It doesn't obligate you to do it. You may not be able to. I mean, seriously, your schedule might be so overwhelming that you say, hey, what's one thing I can do for you today? Then your spouse says, how about this? And you might look at it and go, you know what? I can't. But here, at minimum, what that does, it gives you a check in with your spouse to understand how busy is their day. Because if they say, on this day, you know what? Nothing, I'm good.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:56]:
Or if they say, oh my goodness, I'm so overwhelmed, the kid's got two dentist appointments, we got a ball game, is there Any way you could do this, then you can begin to realize, is this a day I really do get to fixate on work and family is going to be okay? Or is this a moment where I need to shift and I'm going to have to make sure work's okay because my family is going to need a little bit more of me? And that's what a work life rhythm really looks like. Forget about this work life balance. Think about a work life rhythm. There are days in which Bayside needs more from me than other days. If I don't show up to work tomorrow, nobody's gonna care. If I didn't show up tonight, people would have freaked out. And so we just gotta recognize, all right, this is a moment. Work needs me.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:41]:
The same is true with my family. There are days in which my absence is not that big of a deal. There are other days in which it could be crushing to Jenny and the kids. You got to figure it out. And asking, what's one way I can help you today? Not only does it give you a checkup of how they're feeling, it also gives you an idea. And let's face it, guys, specifically guys, sometimes we don't know what to do. This gives us some ideas. And people know, our wives know that we care.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:11]:
And it helps us understand. Because most of the time in which Jenny answers this question, most the time my answer is, oh, I can do that. Because it's not a lengthy list. It's, man, what's one thing I can take off your plate today? And that creates a sense of partnership. Number four, build in positive reminders of your spouse. One way you can do this, literally, you could set an alarm on your phone sometime middle of the day, and just when that alarm goes off, take one minute to think about your spouse. What are they experiencing? What are they going through? How can I pray for them in some way? Put a sticky note in your car on your computer screen that just has their name or has a time in which you're going to think about them. Just create some kind of pattern.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:53]:
What we're trying to do over these next six weeks is introduce some new patterns so we can think of each other in a better way. Number five, steal small moments together. It's not about tons of time. Connection does not always take tons of time. Yesterday we had premarital class, and so Jenny, on the way here, because we had an event after premarital, and so we knew we weren't going to get dinner. So Jenny, on the way here, where we do premarital class together. She grabbed a pizza in an upstairs B building. Yesterday for about 10 minutes, we had dinner together.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:23]:
It was kind of our little date night before we did premarital. It took very little time whatsoever, but it was a moment in which we could actually connect that we knew was gonna be our only time that entire day where we were just together, gonna be able to have a conversation. And just those 10 minutes can be transformative. So don't look at how can we get all this time away? How can I take a week? Even though that's a great deal of fun, what's just a way. Just for 30 seconds, for a minute, for three minutes, we can just connect. For those of you who've been around here before, I used to tell the story of when my kids were little, when they were old enough to play hide and seek. We used to play hide and seek kids against the parents. And Jenny and I would go hide together.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:01]:
And that would just give us a minute to connect with each other, to talk, to just feel like we're on the same team. And then the kids would come find us. We'd say, all right, kids, y'all go hide. And then we'd sit in the living room, and it'd give us a couple minutes to connect. And it is. It's fascinating to me, the power of two minutes now of communication, of seeing each other, looking each other in the eye. Number six, reconnect before the day ends. So this is a landing.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:31]:
So how do you come back into the house? And then after you're in the house and you're cooking dinner and doing all these things, you're putting the kids to bed. Let there be a moment in which you mute the television. Let there be a moment in which you go out to the front porch and you just sit on the front porch. And maybe you watch the sunset or you sit in the living room, you find your thing, whatever your thing is, go for a walk, whatever it is, just find a way to reconnect and ask, how was your day today? And what's going on? How do you feel? And talk about the big things and the little things, find that way to reconnect. And then finally, number seven, end the day with gratitude. And so whenever you have finally parted from each other and you're laying in bed and she drifts off to sleep, as she drifts off to sleep, just pray. Dear Jesus, thank you for her. Thank you for this life.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:17]:
God, make me into the husband that she deserves, that you want me to be. And if you will, start praying for your spouse and having gratitude for them. It's amazing how much easier this intention actually becomes. What would it look like if you took this list and just put it in a place that you can remind yourself of it? And over these next six weeks, you just start incorporating these things more and more into your day?
Kevin Thompson [00:26:41]:
So that's it. It's not adultery that's the number one cause of divorce.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:46]:
It's apathy.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:47]:
This whole idea of a lack of intention now has all these negative consequences. And we talked about them in the talk that. I mean, communication. So what do people say are the biggest reasons of divorce? They talk about adultery, communication. Oh, they fight about money. The inability to communicate, to resolve conflict. They've just grown apart. They've drifted apart.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:09]:
Sometimes family. People can claim it's family of what's going on. But as we showed kind of in the talk earlier, all of those are consequences now of a lack of intention, that if you don't show the proper intention to nourish your relationship, you can drift into an affair. Or if you don't show intention about boundaries, you can have an affair. No question. Money is the unwillingness to intentionally figure out what each other means about money. How can we pay our bills properly? Communication is a lack of intention to learn the skills. And so literally, it all comes down to this basic idea of intention.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:45]:
And, Adrienne, in the talk, I talked about three reasons why sometimes people don't use intention. So it's fear. So it's this idea of, ah, the relationship is okay, if I get intentional about it, what's going to come out? Or believing a soulmate. So that basically is the idea of, I shouldn't have to. If he loves me, everything should be perfect.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:03]:
See how that works?
Kevin Thompson [00:28:04]:
And then the third really is, well, what good will intention do? All of this is left to chance anyway. As you look at those three reasons, which are you more tempted toward in your relationship if you were not to choose intention, which y'all do a great job at. But if apathy were to take over, which of these mindsets would you be believing in, do you think?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:24]:
I think for me, it would be fear, because one, I know I struggle with a fear of failure. And I. And up there, it's like, I don't love vulnerability.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:34]:
Oh, there you go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:35]:
So right away, that would probably be why. Because I would be like, what if he rejects me? Or what if he makes me feel dumb for initiating this? Or something like that.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:45]:
No, I think I'm right there with you. So the soulmate concept, I just never have bought into me neither.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:51]:
This idea that I think when you meet your spouse super young, you're just like, you know, it was a choice.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:58]:
No, that's exactly right.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:59]:
And the flip of a coin.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:00]:
I'd never have bought into either. Just because of the idea of, look, almost everything in life requires work. And if you do work, there's a byproduct, but fear. And fear for me might express itself a little bit differently than it does for you. So you might fear vulnerability. And what if you get rejected? Here's where my fear is. Man, this thing feels pretty good so far. Like, don't mess it up.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:20]:
What if there's an underlying issue I'm not even aware of?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:23]:
I see.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:23]:
And we start doing work on this, and that's revealed, and the next thing I know, this great thing is now suddenly not so great. That's what kind of terrifies me. Yeah, but you got to speak the truth over that. And what is the truth? Well, the truth is, first of all, if that's a significant enough of an issue, it's going to have consequences. Like, it's not going to stay buried forever.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:43]:
No, that's something wrong with the foundation.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:44]:
Yes. No, that's exactly right. And then beyond that, it's this idea of, look, we've worked through so many other things that if that truly is that significant of an issue, first of all, we will overcome it. And then overcoming it will have such a reward that if it really is hindering. But I see this a lot. I see this with people who won't go to small groups, they won't go to classes, they don't want to read books. And literally, if you were to ask them, they'd say, hey, my marriage is a seven. And I don't.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:10]:
You don't want it to be a 10.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:12]:
I don't want it to go down. But I was just always thinking, all right, well, what's a nine going to feel like? Forget about a 10, even. But just what does 10% of a better marriage experience? It'd be great. No, absolutely. All right, so we talked about seven intentional steps that a thriving marriage can take every day. And here where we are, we have all these people who are trying to implement aspects of this every single day in the relationship. So let's just kind of walk through.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:40]:
These for the listener.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:41]:
We've already talked about them in the talk, but you just kind of, from a wife's perspective, specifically, kind of what comes to mind. So this idea of start the day with connection doesn't have to be A long period of time. But there needs to be some kind of connecting point of a morning. Now, here's what I find funny, Adrienne. This is so easy for me to say. I have a daughter in college. I have a son who's 16 who can wake himself up. Literally.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:07]:
It's like we're pre empty nest, Jenny and I. This is the easiest thing ever. And so most of the time, our connection point is she likes to get up earlier than I do. She's downstairs, has her quiet time. I get ready for work, I come down, she's cooked a little breakfast.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:22]:
Of course she has. Probably eggs and bacon.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:25]:
You know, that's exactly right. And a lot of times, seriously, she'll be ready to go to work, upstairs to go to work, and she'll just sit there, just for a little minute while I eat my breakfast. We have this connecting point, and then we move on. That's exactly how it happens in your house, right? No, no, no.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:42]:
I'm really bad at breakfast. Well, half the time, my kids don't want to eat anything. And it's like such a rush to get the. We have to leave, like, by like 7:55. Like, it's early for kids to get to school, so breakfast is not a calm. It's like, whatever. Yeah, yeah, take whatever you can get. No, for us.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:01]:
And sometimes it doesn't even happen, to be honest. You know, like, we will have to connect later in the day. But if we're being intentional, it's like a kiss or a hug or like, what do you have up today? Just like, what's your day like?
Kevin Thompson [00:32:12]:
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that's good. Is there ever a time where it's chaos? You get out of the house, you get kids to school, and, like, you're driving back home, or Blaine's driving to work and he's like, oh, my goodness, we didn't connect at all today. And there's a text or a phone call or something. Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:30]:
Yeah, definitely could be like a text or a phone call.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:35]:
See, I think something even as small as that, because here's what I don't want. First of all, all of us are gonna have those days, Especially when kids were little, man, I remember it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:43]:
It just looks different.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:44]:
Yes. But you can be going to work and it can hit you, man. We didn't even connect. But here's what I think is the magic moment. At that moment, do you send the text or make the phone call, or do you just keep on going? And there's a major difference between those two. We're all going to disconnect at times, we're all going to miss it. But to then be able to come back and go, oh man, hey, I love you. Thinking about you today, just that small little moment I think can have a transformative impact.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:13]:
We definitely, now that I'm thinking, do that a lot. Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:17]:
Well, keep it up. I think it's a great thing. Number two is something people really don't think about very much. But it's this idea of choose to love your spouse today. And what I'm asking people to do in that moment is to recognize this is under my control. It is an intentional choice. And I am either going to choose to be loving toward them today or choose not to be loving toward. You're already choosing something.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:39]:
Now be intentional about what you're going to choose. And yet for most of us, we just forget about it because it's just an easy thing to kind of move on. And then thirdly, this is one of my favorite things that Jenny and I have used for years. And you just actually said it in yalls own language the way y'all say it. But I encourage people ask, how can I help you today? What's one way I can help you today? And I love that question because it's simple. What's one way I can help you? I don't need the whole list. So it's a check in for me and Jenny primarily for me to help understand what's going on in her life. How chaotic is it? Do I need to take off work today A little bit more? Does she need extra help or is she pretty laid back, pretty happy? This was I think especially important when the kids were little.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:20]:
Doctor's appointments and all the things, she's running her own business, all those things are happening. And then beyond that, as a guy, just to be honest, it helps me know, oh, here's how I can help her.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:32]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:32]:
Because sometimes I want to help her and I just don't know what, what does she need? She's a pretty self sufficient person. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:38]:
I would say Blaine does that occasionally. He'll be like, what's your day like? Or I could pick up the kids. But often I will ask for help too. I'll be like, could you pick up the kids today? Or like I have this, can you watch one of them?
Kevin Thompson [00:34:51]:
Oh, that's great.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:52]:
So I guess that just comes to communication too because I don't expect him to be like how can I help you? But I expect him to respond when I ask for help.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:02]:
Oh, absolutely. I Think that's a great way to go. And if he were here, we would work on him right now that he does need to be some initiation too, right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:09]:
I mean, he does great.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:10]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:11]:
But if he didn't and I needed the help, I'm not afraid to ask.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:13]:
Oh yeah, because you never want those things to get one sided.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:16]:
Right. Because then it'll.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:18]:
I've asked too much, you know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:20]:
Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:20]:
But I love that kind of concept. And then number four, build in positive reminders of your spouse.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:26]:
Well, this I could do better.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:29]:
So I told the story and you heard it, but this idea of a couple, they come in and raising kids, kind of a similar life stage of where you're at right now, raising kids, doing all those things and their marriage just isn't quite where they want it to be. And I tell them, look, set an alarm clock. I told the guy specifically, I said, hey, set an alarm clock for 2:00. And whenever that goes off, you take one minute to think about your wife, think about what she's going through, her day, what the afternoon's gonna look like, and just say a prayer of gratitude for her. And I told the wife, look, whenever your youngest goes down for a nap, as you're rocking them in that moment, just let your mind drift to your husband for a second. Think about what's going on, his day, his work, say a prayer of gratitude for him. So six weeks go by, something like that. I don't see him again.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:11]:
Don't even think about it. I forgot the conversation even happened. I'm out, I see them and they came up to me and with this kind of excitement said, Kevin, hey, I just want to give you an update. I'm like, oh yeah, I forgot about that. Tell me, tell me, how's it going? And they made this comment, nothing has changed, but everything has changed. And I was like, oh, wow. And they just talked about how just thinking about each other, it gave them such an empathy and compassion. Because what happens is if you don't pause to think about your spouse, then let's say I'm at work all day and chaos and all these kind of things.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:45]:
And I get this picture in my head that Jenny's home and life's easier there somehow than what I'm experiencing at the same time. She could be in the chaos of the house, running her business, doing all those things, thinking, I have the easiness at work and nothing hard is happening. And whenever you just think about yourself, you assume your experience is harder than their experience.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:03]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:03]:
But whenever you pause and think about them suddenly. It gives you this empathy, this compassion, so that whenever you do reconnect, it's not this foreign thing that's coming into your house. It is this concept that's been there. Is it hard sometimes to forget as you're home with the kids and the difficulty that that is to remember that, oh, yeah. Blaine's life isn't always easy at work either.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:26]:
Yeah. Or, like, I found myself kind of getting resentful at times. I'm like, he's never even had to buy his own toothpaste. He never has to do his own laundry. Like, there's all these things he's never doesn't have to think about. And then I go, oh, wait, I don't have to pay for the rent. I don't have to worry about paying all the bills that come in the mail. Like, I just give them to him because he does our finances.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:46]:
So that is one thing I've, like, trained myself, I think, to do, to be like, when I start feeling a little resentful, I'm like, well, think of all the things you don't have to think about that he's always thinking about.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:57]:
That's fascinating. I wish you were here right now. Cause I have a perfect golf illustration that you're not gonna care about. How about the idea of me talking about golf now? You're like, oh, finally.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:05]:
I am now.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:07]:
So think about this. The average golfer, after they get done with a round, they think back to the round of just the two or three places they could have done better. But I had a golf pro tell me one time, instead of thinking about, man, if it would have bounced, I could have scored better. Instead of thinking about that, go back and look at every time you got a fortunate bounce or every time something.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:25]:
Happened that could have necessarily gone.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:28]:
So instead of, like, for me, instead of looking at, oh, I shot a 71, man, two more strokes less, I could have shot a 69. No, no. Go back and realize how easily you could have shot a 78. That just was just a little thing. And it's fascinating how just that switch from this could have gone differently in a negative way to this could have gone differently in a positive way, begins to give you this appreciation for what you did actually experience. And I think the same thing that can happen in the midst of marriage as well.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:53]:
Yes, 100%.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:54]:
So number five. We got three more. Number five. Steal small moments together. Are there ways that you and Blaine are able to do that within the chaos of the life that y'all live. What would. What would be some small ways y'all reconnect?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:06]:
You know, texting or a quick phone call. Just be like, what's going on? I ask him a lot about his day because I am home a lot, and I'm always like, tell me something interesting. And I am, like, desperate for, like, did anything cool or exciting happen? Yeah. And we love to watch, like, a show before. After we put the kids to bed, we'll, like, watch something together that's like our. That's what we love to do.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:31]:
I told the story during the talk that we listened to earlier of. It's a magical moment when your kids get old enough that you can just kind of throw the fruit loops in the floor and turn on a show and, like, you and your spouse can walk into a different room, and it might not last for more than two minutes, but they're distracted for just a little bit. And just that little bit of reconnection reminds me powerful. We're on the team together. Let's move forward. All right, two more.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:59]:
1.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:59]:
Reconnect before the day ends. So in the same way, we wanna connect as the day launches now we wanna reconnect when the day ends. You talk about how you and Blaine do that. You get the kids to bed, and then it's a show. That's what it is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:11]:
We're not necessarily talking a ton, but we're. We're focused on the same thing. We're laughing. We're, like, invested in a mutual thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:19]:
No, I think that's great. And then number seven, end the day with gratitude. And it really is. As you part for the evening, as you're drifting off to sleep in the midst of everything else you might be talking to God about, to then just say a prayer of this life, this day, even if it went horribly. Yeah, you got me through it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:37]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:38]:
Tomorrow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:38]:
It could have gone worse.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:39]:
It could have gone worse.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:39]:
Could have gone worse.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:40]:
And tomorrow won't be this bad. But thankfully, at least he had to endure it with me.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:45]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:45]:
Yes. Yeah, he'll be here to endure it as well. So let's think about just those seven things. Start the day with connection. Choose to love your spouse today. What's one way I can help you today? Build in positive reminders. Steal small moments. Reconnect before the day ends.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:59]:
And then end the day with gratitude. If you begin to incorporate those seven things, I assure you, you'll be well on your way to becoming friends, partners, and lovers. We'll see you next time.