Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to Change the Odds, the podcast where marriage and family, we're never meant to be. A game of chance. Blaine and Adrienne.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:04]:
Here we go.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:05]:
Adrienne, we got Blaine back. We were missing Blaine.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:08]:
Yes, we were.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:08]:
Last couple episodes, it went great.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:10]:
Oh, it went really well.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:12]:
Is that amazing how that works?
Kevin Thompson [00:00:13]:
But this will be fun.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:14]:
This will be even more fun.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:16]:
So here's what we're doing. We're continuing our series, this is episode three, actually, of becoming friends, partners and lovers. We're gathering with 500 of our closest friends on Wednesday nights and going over these topics. And so today what we're gonna do is we're gonna throw it to the B worship center, listen to a little 30 minute talk on the topic of respect. Okay, yes, let's talk about this for a minute. So, Adrienne, there's an old famous book. I'm not trying to disparage it in any way. I just have a small disagreement with it in which it said that the heart of marriage, men need respect and women need love.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:53]:
And that's it. And so the implication is that women don't need respect. And so my joke has always been, okay, next Valentine's Day, try that, guys. Just write a Valentine's Day card. I love you, don't respect you. Happy Valentine's Day. So what does respect mean to you as a wife, as a woman, as a mother, what does it mean to you?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:15]:
I think it means, like, you see what I do as a mom and around the house, and then one, you validate it and two, you help. You help maintain the home and the kids and acknowledge like, I see you're working hard and you're keeping the house clean or whatever it is that you focus on.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:39]:
So I love that it's partnership. And that's whenever we.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:42]:
Brilliant, Adrienne.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:43]:
That's when we talk about this. Don't forget friendship built on trust, partnership built on respect. And that's what we're going to talk. So in this episode, we're going to look at some things that respect is not because there are some misunderstandings of what respect is not. And then we're going to look at what respect is. And right after that, we're going to come back and have a discussion on this talk. So head on in to the Bayside Worship center and we're going to talk about what respect is not.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:09]:
Hey, great to see you all tonight. Hey, we're going to be about page 42, 43, talking about the issue of respect, but great to have you all back tonight. Thank you so much for your presence. Here, this is a very important topic. So I've been traveling just a little bit. Some of you know, I talked about it previously. So two weekends ago, I left on Saturday, flew up to Seattle, preached three times Sunday morning and then did a three hour marriage conference that afternoon, flew.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:36]:
Back, got into Sacramento about 3, about.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:39]:
12:45Am Got here, did the normal work week, was here last week, obviously. And then on Friday I flew to South Carolina, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where I spoke for a friend of mine a couple times Sunday morning. They had all the fires that were going on, so a very interesting time to be there. And then I did a four and a half hour drive to North Carolina to get there Sunday night, had a five and a half hour window. So I got there just an hour in time to do another three hour marriage conference Sunday night and then had to get up Monday morning to get here for the men's night that was going on. So 5:30am Wake up call, east coast time out there in Charlotte, flew from Charlotte to Phoenix. So I get into Phoenix, have a pretty tight window of what I have to do to catch my plane to get back into here about 2:00 on Monday. So I'm walking pretty swiftly along the way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:28]:
And I came to the, you know, the running sidewalk that is there. And most of the time, because I have a long stride, if it's crowded on the sidewalk, people are just kind of standing there, I'll just walk and I'll actually walk faster than what? Some of them are moving, so I'm walking. But there's this couple that's on the moving sidewalk, husband's out in front, he has his phone, kind of looking at it in this way. The wife is behind carrying a bag as well. And I recognize, I don't know the whole story and I don't imply to know the whole story, but here's what I was hearing. She was saying, are you sure it's the right gate? I don't know. Are you sure it's the right gate? And he's going, yeah, yeah, no, it is, come on, hurry up. It is, it is.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:08]:
Are you sure? And my thought was just simply this, how is that helping your marriage? Why can't you just pull out your own phone? Look, is he right or not? And if he is, you can look and go, well, lo and behold, he got one right finally. And if he's not, you can just say, hey honey, my phone says we're going to the wrong gate. But why is it that you're expecting him in this moment to take care of you. And as he's taking care of you, all you're going to do is criticize him. And here's what struck me. On top of all that is in this case, the genders were reversed from where the way I normally see that it is, in many situations, it is the wife who is taking on a responsibility for both. And the man, instead of taking responsibility for himself, is actually criticizing her even as she is taking care of him. If you want to destroy your relationship, nurture, grow, advance feelings of disrespect.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:20]:
There are very few things that will destroy our sense of connection, of intimacy, of closeness, like whenever we have those feelings of disrespect now. At the same time, if you want to grow a meaningful connection between you and your spouse, live a life that deserves respect and begin to cultivate not just the presence of respect, but the actual feeling of respect between you and your spouse. And where that feeling is truly felt, not just had, but truly felt. So it's my responsibility not just to respect Jenny, as long as she's living in respectable ways. And as far as I know she is, not only is it my responsibility to respect her, it is my responsibility to make her feel respected by me. And in the same way, it's her responsibility to make sure I feel respected by her. And to the extent that that is present, so many things can begin to flow from that. But John Gottman warns us, as I say there, I think it's on page 43.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:31]:
John Gottman warns us that, that whenever he talks about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. So don't forget, Gottman, some of you haven't been here before. Gottman's up in Seattle. He can take a couple, sit them down and say, okay, talk about an issue that's been contentious between y'all. He wouldn't say y'all cause he's in Seattle, but he would then say, talk about that. And within five minutes he can identify with 95% accuracy whether or not that couple will divorce within the next five years. And so what feels so unusual to us is extremely predictable to him. And one of the things that he looks for in the midst of that discussion, it's really not whether or not they can solve the issue.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:14]:
He's already asked them to talk about an issue they actually can't resolve. What he's looking for is how do they handle the issue? Is it brought up in a soft way, in a kind then considerate way? Or is this some kind of harsh startup? Does one of them just Completely shut down and begin to stonewall the other person. Is there kind of this almost gunny sacking in which as the argument begins to spin off, they start bringing up old issues and old fights and start throwing rocks at each other. But one of the things that he looks for is the presence of contempt. Does one spouse feel superior to the other? And if that is present and communicated, he sees that this relationship is in extreme danger. And so what we want to talk about in this session and then also a second conversation tonight is this issue of respect. And what does it look like? You have plenty of notes there, page 41, 42, 43 and on. But I'm going to give you some extra kind of material to go alongside this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:15]:
So if you want to jot notes in the margins, if you want to take in what's going to go on, we'll have some slides. You can take pictures of that if you would like. But let's begin. I say it in the book, let's begin with a basic concept of. Of what is respect? What is it? So it actually comes from these Latin words that means to look back on. So the image that I almost get is it's kind of like a child who's going out and going to explore something and they look back to make sure they have the parents approval in the same way. It's this idea that I'm living my life, but I'm looking back to consider Jenny, that whatever I have going on, I'm taking her into consideration and it's impacting the actions I take at this very moment. Another way to look at respect is that respect is recognizing the value in somebody else.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:08]:
So it's seeing my spouse now as a person that has a substance about her. There's skills, there's abilities, there's values, there's meanings that now I can draw from her and out of her to such an extent that I don't want to live my life without taking her into consideration. Because as I take her into consideration, not only can she leverage her skills to assist me, to protect me from myself, to make sure I'm going in the right direction. Not only that, but just the very consideration of her will ensure now that I do not make foolish choices, that I don't act in ways that are now disrespectful to her, that are hindering to our own relationship. And so respect really is this idea of consideration, of weight, of value, of meaning and purpose. So let's talk just a little bit about this idea of what respect is not. And Then we'll look at some of the things that respect actually is. And so we have these lists for you just to kind of talk through and think through.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:10]:
So, first of all, respect is not agreement. Sometimes we fall into the temptation of thinking that if you disagree with me, that is disrespectful. That's not the case at all. We do not have to be in agreement in order for respect to be shown. And notice this. Here's where a lot of that comes from. That might come from a childhood where if you disagreed with your parents, that was seen as disrespectful. And so we can begin to write that story within our own hearts and our own minds.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:42]:
It's something very important, I think, especially married with kids. I think all of us who are parents to recognize we have to train and teach our kids that you very much have every right to disagree with me. You don't have a right to disrespect me. And so how do we navigate that disagreement while still being respectful? That's something Jenny and I have the opportunity now model to Ella and Silas. We can disagree with each other, and we will disagree with each other in front of the kids so that they can see how we model that disagreement. That even though we have differing opinions, perspectives, mindsets, there's still this great trust and honesty and respect and love and value for each other to where we're actually moved even in the midst of the disagreement. So respect is not necessarily agreement. Respect is also not blind submission.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:30]:
And so we're told to submit to one another. That's what marriage looks like. That's what the church looks like. That's what the Christian life looks like. We submit to each other, but we don't just blindly do whatever the other person wants us to do because we have to respect them. And this is just what we have to do. No, there are times in which we're not going to submit if what we're being asked to do is not the wise choice. Respect is not the idea of avoiding conflict.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:55]:
And so I said last week that, no, you don't have to fight. By no means do you have to fight. You do have to handle conflict, no question. And different personalities and different family backgrounds are going to respond to that in different ways. But conflict has to be handled. And so respect is not the avoidance of conflict. As a matter of fact, what we'll see in just a minute is respect actually is dealing with conflict. It's handling it is actually disrespectful to consistently avoid conflict and allow that to fester within the midst of your relationship.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:29]:
Respect is not enabling bad behavior. It is not disrespect to call out addiction in your spouse's life. It is not disrespect to set proper boundaries. So one thing you'll hear me say very often is my encouragement to you is I would not live with an active addict. Recovering addict, absolutely, but an active addict. I would not live with that person. Now, I recognize here in California that that becomes a much harder piece of advice than it was in Arkansas, where in Arkansas we had reasonable housing. And you could go rent something or buy something.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:07]:
And it wasn't that big of a deal. Here, that's a much more difficult thing. And I recognize that. However, if possible, I would not live with an active addict. To me, it's endangering to yourself. But it also can be enabling of that bad behavior. Enabling bad behavior is not respectful. So if your spouse is drinking too much and they don't wake up tomorrow morning and now they're late for their job to call in and say, well, my spouse is sick today.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:33]:
It feels honoring to them. It's actually enabling the very addiction that's going on. And it's a disrespectful thing to do to enable that addiction. And then also, respect is not the same as love. It's not equal to love. I think it's an aspect of love. But you can love somebody and not respect them. So we're called to love everybody, but we don't have to respect everybody.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:59]:
There are people who make certain choices that are not living in respectable ways. And so we have to love them, but we don't have to respect them. At the same time, you can respect somebody and not necessarily, especially romantically, feel a concept of romantic love for them. So respect is an important part of marriage. But we have to add to it this concept of love. And so respect ultimately is going to not be all of these things. But let's look at what respect actually is going to be. So respect is the honoring of the personhood of your spouse.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:37]:
So we're not going to see them as a person created in the image of God. And think about where so much of this goes back to. Some of this really does go back to Genesis chapter 1 and 2. Where God created humanity. He placed his spirit within us. Now he has put his image, his stamp is now stamped upon every single human being. And there is, notice this. There is a base level of respect that every single human being deserves.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:01]:
No matter who they are, no matter what they've done. And so whenever I walk into Folsom Prison, I'm preaching in Folsom Prison. We have so many of our brothers who are there who are followers of Jesus that we have such a great relationship with. There are other people who are kind of hanging around who don't follow after Jesus. Their lives aren't necessarily bent toward who God is. They've done horrific things, but just based on the fact that God himself has died for them, has loved them, has placed his image upon them, there is a base level of honor that I'm going to give them, no matter who they are or what they've done. For those of you men that were here on Monday night, you heard Phil Oates talk about that very concept. That because Jesus has died for you, you deserve from me a base level of respect.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:48]:
But then beyond that, there is this earned respect. So some respect is given, but then some is going to be earned. A base level respect is given to all people. And then the rest of it's going to have to be an earned level of respect. And now for me to respect Jenny means that I value her personhood, meaning she's different than me. She's of equal worth and value that God has a plan for her life. Notice this. Jenny was before she was married to me, and Jenny will be after she's married to me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:23]:
Her life is bigger than her role as my wife. It's important. I love it. It's the favorite role that I like that she plays in her life. But it's gonna. One day, a day's gonna come in which we are not gonna be husband and wife in the kingdom of God. You're not married any longer. And so because she is bigger than just this one role that I love so much, I have to now respect that and value who she is.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:48]:
And the hopes and the dreams and the idea that, get this. That her life is bigger than just our marriage. She has other things that are going on, other things that are important, that are valuable. Her role as a mom, her role as a businesswoman, her role as a daughter, as a sister, as a follower of Jesus. All those things now make up who she is. And to value that is to now respect her. Here's where it can go wrong very quickly. We can quickly become deceived.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:18]:
And to think the most important thing about our spouse is the fact that they are our spouse. And we can prioritize that role in their life above everything else going on in their life. And that's not recognizing the full personhood of who they actually are. So I want to create space and time and place for Jenny to grow and develop and to pursue after her dreams and to experience things that maybe I'm not necessarily a part of. Maybe I don't love aspects of what she wants to pursue after. They're just not where my interests are, but they're important to her. So how can I support you? How can I create space? I want to make sure that she has other relationships, friendships, where she's spending those times doing all those things and to respect now the boundaries that are around her that are separate from me and valuing those things. So respect is creating a safety for your spouse.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:10]:
It means now I want to create a place where Jenny can put her heart out on the table and know I'm going to treat it in the right way. It would be disrespectful for there to ever be a moment in which Jenny did not feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically safe with me. Now think about what that means. That should now dictate what kind of tone of voice I use. It impacts how I use my physical body in her presence. I'm bigger than her, probably not stronger, but I'm bigger than she is. I could be if I wanted to. I could intimidate in some way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:56]:
But to in any way reference or imply or a way that she could infer that I'm going to use my strength to her detriment is actually disrespect. I want Jenny to always feel this sense of safety in my presence. And so she can be emotionally vulnerable with me. Mentally, spiritually, physically vulnerable. Because she knows I'm going to take care of her and she's supposed to give the same thing to me. It can never be a concept of. I'm afraid to share this because what if she mocks it? Now there's a playfulness, no doubt, but never one with disdain or harm. She's never going to try to use me to get a cheap laugh and have somebody else think she's funny and hurt me at the same time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:47]:
So now there is this idea of a safety that's there. As we look at intimacy here, a few sessions from now, this is going to become a very important topic. That when respect is present, that creates a safety which then allows a vulnerability. Don't forget friend, partner and lover. Right? Trust, respect, vulnerability. That where trust and respect are present, you can experience vulnerability. But where either of those are missing, then you rightly have to begin to conceal aspects of yourself. You should not be vulnerable with somebody you do not trust and respect.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:23]:
And yet, where trust and respect have been proven and they're growing, then we can begin to become increasingly vulnerable. That's the climate in which vulnerability can actually begin to take place. So respect now is valuing their perspectives and their ideas. It's to recognize that you have insight. I don't have perspective, understanding, knowledge. You have all these skills that I don't possess. God has given those to you in part for my own benefit. And so now I'm not gonna be threatened by them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:56]:
Instead, I want to leverage them. I want to lean into them and to gain from you the strengths and the gifts that God has actually given to you. Here's a very simple test of the health of your relationship right now. Can you be influenced by your spouse? If the answer is no, that to me is a red flag. It doesn't mean that it shouldn't be that way. Because as we're going to see in the next session, the fact of the matter is there are some of us in this room that don't deserve to be respected. The last thing I want you to hear from me today is, well, I got to respect my spouse. No matter what they're doing, I got to respect them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:31]:
That's not it at all. There's a base level respect, yes, but there's an earned level. And if your spouse has not earned that, then you don't necessarily give it. But there is this concept of if you're in a generally healthy relationship where respect has been earned, they live a respectable way and they can't influence your mind. I guarantee you this. If Jenny. If we walk out of here tonight and Jenny and I go to dinner and she says, hey, no big deal, but there's this one person. I just don't get a good feeling around her.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:08]:
Be careful. I assure you, I'm going to be careful. She has an insight that I don't have. She knows me. She sees things that maybe I don't see sometimes. And if she says, watch out, I'm going to watch out. Now, it doesn't mean every single opinion that Jenny gives me, I immediately have to bow down and do exactly what she says. It's not that, but it does mean every time she gives an opinion, I want to take it in consideration.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:37]:
Because God has placed her in my life as a help, as a protection to me, and me to her as well. And the moment you can't be influenced by your spouse, that is a sign that either the relationship is not healthy or there's something going. There's a pride that's going on in you to where you are not willing now to humble yourself and be impacted and influenced by this person. And God has created this relationship. Notice this as a relationship of equality to where you should be able to impact each other. And when that is broken, it's a sign that something is askew in some way. Respect means doing what you should and what you say. This is a preacher way of getting an extra point in the midst of having five points.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:22]:
So I just gave you two points in the same one. So let's break this down a little bit. One, it's doing what you should. So there is this idea of we're going to live in a respectable way. So years ago, when my book Fearless Families came out, kids were now young, kind of upper elementary school into early teenage years, and we realized we were in a different season of life. So Jenny and I got together and we just looked back at, all right, what are our family values? What is it that we ourselves are now going to value? And to recognize that if we can kind of get these values in place and communicate those properly, that we will do all of our discipline through these values. We want to make sure the kids are on the same page. They know what's going on.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:02]:
And so we just sat down, we ended up with five kind of basic values. I actually have a values family scripter, if you're interested in this, especially Married With Kids, if y'all are interested, I can give this to you. You can work through it. It's a very simple kind of process. Blaine and Adrienne and I will talk about it on the podcast as well. But after it was all said and done, we kind of brainstormed everything we said. All right, here's what our family is about that, number one, love decides that in the end, Dad's not in charge, Mom's not in charge. We all submit to God, and the way of love now is going to drive us as opposed to being driven by fear.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:35]:
Because in a lot of families, fear decides. What is it that fear says that we should do or not do, let's follow that. But fear takes you into horrible places. So in our family, love decides. So that means, Ellen, Silas, if you feel like we're not acting in a loving way towards you, then as you're obeying us, you can ask mom, dad, is this loving toward me? Now, you can't use that as a debate to get out of doing what we said to do. But as you're obeying, if we tell you, go empty the dishwasher. You have every right as you're walking to the dishwasher to say, is this the loving thing to do at this moment? And we will say, yes, it is, Go do it. But it's fine for you to ask.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:12]:
But love first and foremost decides number two, family is bigger than us. So it's this idea of it's not all about me, it's not all about this marriage, it's not even all about the four of us that we want to be used by God now to impact others as well. And how we love each other will actually impact other people, not just in marriage, but family alone. So it's never just about us. What we're trying to do is get ourselves and our kids called up into a higher picture beyond just the selfishness of what it's all about. Our third family value was we're gonna avoid the two L's, but we're not going to be lazy and we're not going to lie. By the way, most discipline, specifically of upper elementary school and young teenagers, that value alone covers it. If they're not lazy and they're not lying, they're probably in pretty good shape.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:03]:
But regularly that kind of thing comes up. And so we just say, hey, this is not what we do. This is not who we are. Mom and dad aren't going to be lazy. We're going to tell the truth as well. And you can't be that either. The fourth one was that we're going to respect fully. I'll come back to that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:19]:
And then the fifth one was we're going to celebrate courage. And so in families that celebrate grades, other families celebrate success. We're not going to celebrate any of that. We're going to celebrate the times that you act out in courage. But the fourth one, respectfully, here's what that basically means. And if Elodie Silas were here right now, they could probably repeat these. I mean, they'd roll their eyes, but they'd probably be able to repeat these family values. This is what we drill into them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:43]:
So to respect fully, here's what that means. We are going to live lives that deserve respect. That when other people look at us, they're not going to see perfection by any means, but they're going to see that we're pursuing after a morality, we're pursuing after a love, a compassion, a grace, that we're living according to God's word, to the best of our ability. And that when we make mistakes, we attempt to handle those mistakes in a God honoring way. We're going to live in a respectable way. And then to respect fully, we're going to give respect to other people, base level respect that every single human being deserves. And think about, in the midst of this contentious culture, especially politically, where we are right now, what would it look like if we just begin to give a base level of respect to people who voted differently than we did? Imagine how transformative that could be. We can model that as Christians.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:35]:
And so we want to make sure not only to give that base level respect to people and then other people who earn higher levels of respect, we want to make sure that we give that, that we honor them. We honor people because of age, we honor people because of position. What that means to Silas is, look, if you're walking by and you see a woman walking into a room, you honor her and you open the door for her, it means you stand up in her presence as she enters in and she is seated as well. We kind of drill these kind of concepts in. So to have this respect now, it means me as an individual, I need to make sure that I'm living in a respectable way. And you can in your own mind begin to come up with, what does that mean? And here's a very simple question. Are you doing that as a spouse? When you vowed your earthly life to this other person, you placed a ring on their finger, you made some promises to them and said, here's what I'm going to do. Are you doing that? And if you're not, you have no right to expect respect from your spouse.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:39]:
But if you are, then you're starting the process of how you can actually nurture this. So not only is it that I'm going to do what I should, but then also I'm going to do what I say I'm going to do. And here's where I think so much of this happens, where respect is lost in, in non dramatic ways. Obviously, respect can be lost in dramatic ways in the same way that trust can be broken by explosion. The affair is revealed, you do something dastardly, something like that. But where it also drips is this kind of erosion. And that is we begin to train our spouse that, yeah, I say I'm going to do something, but I'm not going to do it. So yeah, I'll take care of that later.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:24]:
And then you never really do and it's not that big of a deal. And then another day goes by and it gets taken care of and nothing really comes up. But whenever you begin to get in that pattern and that habit Then your spouse begins to learn they're not true to their word. And if you are not true to your word, you do not deserve respect. Now, we're all going to make mistakes, no question, but if we are consistently being hypocritical, we don't deserve respect. And so what respect is, is I'm going to live in a respectable way. And a part of that is I'm going to do what I say. And then a fifth example, and we could have a lengthy list on this, but a fifth example is respect means I'm going to honor boundaries.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:11]:
And so there's a variety of boundaries. Think about one of the reasons that we wear these rings on our fingers is as an announcement, a reminder to ourselves, an announcement to others. Hey, my relationship with Jenny is going to impact how I relate to you. And so there are just boundaries that are out there that if I weren't wearing this ring, if I wasn't married to Jenny, there would be some behavior, some activities that would be totally fine. But because I'm married to Jenny, that's now going to limit to some extent some of my interactions and my vulnerabilities in front of you. You're never going to hear me. You're never gonna hear me critique Jenny around you and in your presence. I never wanna come across in that way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:50]:
There are outlets for that, first and foremost to her. But then some of my friends, no question, because they then just say, you're an idiot, Jenny's right, and go from there. But it would be foolish for me to be talking, especially to a woman and running down my wife in front of me. Well, there's some other boundaries that we gotta honor that maybe sometimes we don't recognize. Jenny's body belongs to her, not me. It belongs to her. And so I have to respect that and value that. Now she gives that to me, and I'm grateful for it, no question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:28]:
But it means that I don't have the right to override her consent. It's an issue that maybe years ago, people didn't even believe existed. But this idea of marital rape is real. And just because there's a ring on the finger doesn't mean your spouse has now lost control over their own bodies. They still have a right to it. And to the extent that I respect that, that physical boundary, and then an emotional and a mental and a spiritual one as well, that will actually draw her to me and draw me to her. But whenever I violate that boundary, while the physical boundary might be violated in some way. Now think about this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:11]:
Here's what this means. It impacts even how you touch each other. And so if your spouse is uncomfortable with how you touch them, okay, those are some discussions that need to take place. I don't want to consistently make Jenny uncomfortable with how I touch her. Now, no question there's a uniqueness to this relationship, and there should be. But I know many women who get extremely uncomfortable with how their spouse kind of fondles over them. And sometimes that comes from a background of having been abused and the husband can't process how that goes on. Respect means I now value the boundaries that you have over your body and over your life.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:59]:
And as you begin to incorporate some of these things, I think respect begins to grow. And what's an amazing thing is when you can communicate respect with each other and you feel. I feel that Jenny respects me. It doesn't mean everything in my life is perfect. And she agrees with everything. It's not that. It's that I know I can stand on this stage and talk about our marriage and our relationship, and she's not in the stands. Wherever she is over there thinking that hypocrite.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:28]:
You know what she's thinking at this very moment? All right, here's what we need from Walmart. We need. Because she's heard this a lot. I got done preaching a couple weeks ago, and it might have been the first Wednesday night. I think it was the first Wednesday night here.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:44]:
And I got done.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:45]:
We were in the car going home, and I said, man, that just didn't have the pop I wanted to have. It just wasn't very good. I said, what'd you think? And she said, well, to be honest with you, I wasn't paying attention. And I said, what? She goes, you've talked about that a lot lately. I'm like, yeah, no, I get it. We'd done premarital, and I'd done a marriage conference, and so all those things. But there's no fear that as I stand here, she's out there going, man, if people only knew, because we have nurtured this respect with each other over 25 years, that really the trust and the respect and the vulnerability create a foundation that everything else can be built on. Now, notice this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:20]:
Let me conclude with this, and then we'll talk around the table for just a minute. Respect. In the midst of being all these actions and things, respect ultimately is one thing. It's a position of the heart. Do I value her or not? That's the question. Do I value her or not? And what place in my life am I positioning Jenny. And I'm not saying she has to be the ultimate thing by any means, Jesus gets that. But she comes next, and the rest of my life begins to adjust, and everything else kind of falls into place someplace after Jesus and then Jenny.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:59]:
And as long as I live with her positioned properly, then respect will never be a problem. But the moment that I begin to displace her in a position she should not be in, then you'll begin to see it in my life. She'll begin to feel it in our relationship, and it will begin to have a ripple effect. If we want to now create a partnership where we have each other's back. This is built on the idea of respect. And it's such an integral aspect of who we are, we should do everything in our power to create it, to nurture it, and to value it. Now, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna send out a survey tomorrow.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:35]:
I couldn't figure out how to do this in the room tonight. I'm gonna send out a survey tomorrow. Cause here's what I'm intrigued by. Men and women both need respect. So the old Emerson Iglich book, love and respect. You know, women need love, men need respect. I just don't buy into that at all. If you doubt that next Valentine's Day, just send your wife a card.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:53]:
I love you, but don't respect you. Happy Valentine's Day. And let me know. Just report back to me how that works. The truth of the matter is, men need love, women need respect. Women need love, Men need respect. It's all the same. But here is my question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:09]:
Do men and women have basic different needs of what they need respected? That's what I'm intrigued by. So I'm going to figure out tonight and in the morning how to create a survey that I can send to you that will be anonymous. But the first question will be, are you a man or are you a woman? And then after that, I'm going to have you rank some things, because I'm just intrigued to see, do we need to communicate respect in different ways? And what does that look at?
Kevin Thompson [00:36:31]:
Okay, welcome back. So, Blaine, Adrienne, you heard that talk, right? What? Respect is not what it is. And this morning. So you heard it last night. How did this morning go? I mean, life changing. After hearing me for 30 minutes talk about respect, clearly this morning, you communicated it perfectly.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:49]:
Well, it was actually interesting because when I woke up, I was sleeping. It was quite early still, right?
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:55]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:56]:
And somebody came in. My wife came back into the Room. And she didn't regret me with. I love you so much. You're this wonderful husband. I respect everything. What did you say again? What was it?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:07]:
I said, are you gonna help me or what?
Kevin Thompson [00:37:09]:
That's how I woke up this morning.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:11]:
So it's the or what? That's my favorite part of that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:15]:
Okay, well, to combat that, I'd already been up since 6am and I wanted just a couple minutes with my coffee and my Bible. And then all the kids woke up and I had to make lunches and I wanted to be ready for this and like, all these things that I had a list in my mind of what I wanted to get done. And you were like, oh, I'll be home until 7:30. And so in my mind I'm like, okay, so he'll be around. He'll be here to help. And it's. He was nowhere to be found. He was still sleeping.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:47]:
You said you'd be home.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:48]:
He was still sleeping. So I was like, well, you don't respect me enough to get up out of bed and help me get everything done.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:54]:
Anyway, it was a great, brilliant.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:56]:
This shows the application to my talks.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:58]:
We're so grateful we came last night.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:00]:
Come to change the odds.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:01]:
Yeah. But at least we could recognize our flesh.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:05]:
So, seriously, put this on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 is. This was an extreme. We almost canceled the recording this morning because of how mad we are at each other. And this was a hilarious antidote and we were both laughing as it was happening. Scale it for me individually.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:22]:
Okay. Okay. I want her to go first. I have mine.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:25]:
Okay, wait, one is what? One is laughing?
Kevin Thompson [00:38:28]:
Yes, one is laughing. Ten is killing.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:30]:
Ten is killing. You know, I want to go like three because we weren't laughing and I wasn't mad, but I was annoyed and coming here together. We weren't mad. We were talking. We were fine. But we, you know, and we probably both knew individually we were going to talk about this and be able to laugh about it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:47]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:47]:
But in the moment. Annoyed, not mad.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:49]:
No, I got you.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:49]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:50]:
I would.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:50]:
Thought you would have been like more of a five. In the moment. In the moment when you.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:54]:
But let's go with your number.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:56]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:56]:
Could you please respect my answer?
Kevin Thompson [00:38:58]:
I was going to go one, but I feel obligated to move to two just to get closer and respectfully.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:05]:
To take a step respectfully in some way.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:07]:
Because there's an element of our marriage where we've gotten to know each other so well and we got to know ourselves so well that the Response isn't like, how dare you let me sleep? It's like, no, I gotta get up now and get going to help her. Because I do respect her, but I know she's not mad at me because I do help out. I do a lot.
Blaine Neufeld [00:39:28]:
When I ask you, she's stressed now.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:30]:
Therefore, I know what is kind of guiding that. And I'm like, okay, let's go. And here we are. We did it.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:37]:
Here we are.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:37]:
We checked all the boxes.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:38]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:39]:
And it was.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:39]:
Yeah. I even got the kids to school early. It was a great morning overall.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:42]:
But here's what I love about that example. It goes back to the talk that we just listened to, is that respect is not avoiding conflict. There can be this thought. It's almost like the pseudo piece. And a lot of couples experience this in which they'll be like, oh, well, we never fight. We never have conflict. Our house is perfect. And I'm like, no, no, no, that's a problem.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:03]:
Something's going on there. Because every relationship's gonna have conflict. Now, you don't have to yell and scream. Different personalities do that. But you have to handle conflict. And so respect is not the avoidance of that. It'd be very easy for Adrienne to walk in, having heard what she heard last night, implying that she listened to me, she may not have very friendly, and walked in and go, oh, it's. It'd be disrespectful if I brought this up right now.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:27]:
I can't do that. And then you. I mean, that would be great for you, because then you could keep on sleeping and everything go from there. But then the resentment that would begin to grow, that would lead to disrespect later.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:39]:
Yes. I think it would have been more of a fight had I let him keep sleeping and he wakes up and I'm just, like, avoiding him because I'm mad now.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:46]:
Oh, no question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:40:47]:
No question.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:48]:
So ironically, it can be. It's disrespectful to avoid conflict because you're actually holding part of yourself back, hiding it from your spouse.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:56]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:56]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:57]:
And then not even allowing them to recognize how you feel that their actions could be contributing to that in some way. You're giving them no chance for change or acknowledgement or responsibility. And so actually acknowledging the conflict, diving into the conflict can be respectful. Avoiding it can actually be disrespectful. So let's look at just a few of the things that we talked about just to remind the listeners, Right? So we said, respect is five things. It's honoring the personhood of your spouse, creating safety for your spouse, valuing their perspective and ideas, doing what you should and what you say, and then also honoring boundaries. So as y'all were listening last night to these discussions, what's one thing that really struck you of man? Here's either how Blaine or Adrienne, here's how they show me respect and, man, I feel it. Or one thing that came to mind of I need to start doing this more because I recognize they need this.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:52]:
I'll go first. I think the one I needed to do more or I actually, since listening to you and doing this whole thing, is respecting her ideas far more. Her opinion, because she has a different perspective of the world, has increased greatly. I think I'm like, oh, okay, that's a good point. But I only looked at it through my lens of, like, well, that doesn't fit what I need. I'll take it or leave it. But now it's just, like, way more respect for her opinion towards our family. Are the groups of people we hang out with the style of hangouts that we do.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:24]:
And I'm just, like, to your point before of, like, becoming a super couple, I'm like, wow, I've got a real. Another arsenal in the belt here to see it a whole different way. So that has. I needed to do that, and I've done it, and I've seen the return on it by respecting it more.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:39]:
I'm a better person. One of the questions we got last night was, well done. I talked over that. My apologies. One of the questions we got last night was, how do we deal with differing parenting styles? And one of the answers I gave was, change your mindset on it. Instead of seeing this as competition and we got to figure it out, see it now as, all right, now we have two different pathways that we can use based on the situation. If one isn't working, let's try the other. And so I love that little switch of mindset of seeing how the differences there are actually opportunity.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:10]:
Adrienne, what came to your mind?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:12]:
I think I need to work on my tone. Like, this morning, I could have been like, hey, I could really use your help this morning instead of treating him like a child or something, you know.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:25]:
But that has to be difficult. Think about this. However you're talking the most in a day. It's difficult to switch off of that when somebody comes into the room. And so, I mean, Jenny and I, you know, years ago, right, I was running a church, she was running her business, and we just had this discussion of, hey, we gotta Be careful how we talk to each other, because we're both used to giving commands all day long. And so you're just used to that. You don't mean it disrespectfully, but you walk in, and the next thing you know, you give your husband the same command that you've just given your child, and you're like, oh, wait, these are different people. So I get the idea of how difficult that would be, but I think you're wise in recognizing that could be an issue.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:09]:
Well, and the question one last night, too, was something about, why am I so quick to anger with my husband? And I was like, yeah, I kind of get that. But it's also like, they're your safe space. They're your person. Kind of like how your kids are the worst around their parents. And it's like, you don't put on a front. You're just like. But also. And the thing is, I just read my Bible and I was praying, and then I, like, immediately was angry.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:35]:
So that part.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:35]:
Well, he was keeping you from Jesus, in fairness.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:38]:
True.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:38]:
Maybe that was like Jesus, you know, tumping over the tables. Do y'all use the word tump in Canada? Okay. No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:44]:
Never heard that.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:45]:
It's like to toss and to dump all at the same time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:48]:
Oh, tump.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:48]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:49]:
No, seriously, that is efficient.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:51]:
How about that? Hey, leave it to a guy from Arkansas. We will narrow the language down to the easiest thing humanly possible. But I think this issue of respect is just so vitally important. I see it on a regular basis. Where respect is present, a couple can work through any issue that's going on.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:08]:
Yeah, I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:08]:
When it's absent, then I kind of stand. But really, when it's absent, that's when I say, hey, you need professional help. I can't help you navigate this. They can't. Now, counseling can help, because just as you can reestablish trust, you can reestablish respect. But one of my fears is, and one of the things I feel called to do is to show people the importance of it, that this is not something you can take lightly. Push to the side, ignore, and go, oh, well, I love him. I just don't respect him.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:36]:
No, that's not going to work either way. And so this is such an important topic that we're actually going to come back next week's episode and look at part two of what this is. But between now and then, begin to think of ways that you can just intentionally show respect to your spouse. And the easiest way to go about this is find something today, Fixate on their strengths. Find something today that they're doing well. Compliment them for that. And if you'll begin to do that on a regular basis, you'll see a transformation in your relationship. Until next time.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:04]:
Don't forget, marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance.