Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to Change the Odds. The podcast for marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Blaine and Adrienne, here we are.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:04]:
Let's do it.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:05]:
Hello, Kevin.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:06]:
Welcome back.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:06]:
We're still talking about becoming friends, partners, and lovers, which implies we're not all there yet. We got work to do. I don't think there's any question about that. Notice Jenny is never on the podcast.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:16]:
Interesting reason for that, which is she.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:21]:
Would tell the truth.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:22]:
Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:22]:
Don't want to air the dirty laundry.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:26]:
As long as we keep her off to the side. It's like, hey, this guy's an expert.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:30]:
Look at him. Nobody's brilliant. You're wrong.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:33]:
Kevin, is that ring real or not? Now, Jenny is not a big fan of being on stage, but we're going to get her on the podcast. She will. I think she'll do it for you guys.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:42]:
I hope so.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:43]:
I want that to happen.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:44]:
It will be fun.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:44]:
Jenny is so gifted in so many things that she's helping this podcast out without even knowing it.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:50]:
Oh, no question. Designing logos, all sorts of things in.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:53]:
Her free time, in her spare time.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:55]:
All right, Blaine and Adrienne, here's. We're kind of in a Part two in the midst of. We got. Kind of got a miniseries in the midst of a larger series. So we are gathering with 500 of our closest friends on Wednesday nights, studying this idea of becoming friends, partners and lovers. Available on Amazon or changetheods.com and so last week, we looked at the first part on this topic of respect. So don't forget, friendship built on trust, partnership built on respect, intimacy built on vulnerability. And really, you can't have vulnerability until trust and respect are growing.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:26]:
Trust and respect need to be out in front with vulnerability coming behind. And so last week we looked at what is respect and then also what isn't respect. And so in this talk, we're going to get into some more granule, kind of detail of what are some ways that we actually show disrespect to each other? And look, how do I feel disrespected? And so we'll come out of the conversation and maybe just ask of what you just heard. What's one way that you feel disrespected? It doesn't have to be necessarily by your spouse. It can be by other people. Maybe that's safer. I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:57]:
Let's dive in.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:58]:
Or if you just want to dive in.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:59]:
It's been a weekend.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:00]:
Let me watch. We can go for it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:03]:
That's what the people really want.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:04]:
Yeah, but I think this is a very meaningful talk as we not only get into some practical details of how we show disrespect and how we want to stop doing that, but we're also going to look at are there times in which we should not respect our spouse, and what do those times look like? And then we're going to close with the concept of, if I'm struggling to show my spouse respect, but they deserve it, what's going on inside of me? So let's go inside the worship center at Bayside Granite Bay, where we're going to have this discussion of respect. Part 2.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:32]:
What does disrespect really look like? What are the small things that are maybe unknowing to us, kind of creating this concept of disrespect? And then we're going to look at what are some times that we shouldn't really respect our spouse, and what do we do about those things. But then also, if our spouse deserves respect but we fail to give that to them, what is it that's going on inside of us and how can we get to work on those types of issues? So the primary purpose of the previous session, and this one as well, is really one of great awareness. So there's not going to be a lot of, here's exactly what you need to do. I want you to get in the mindset of beginning to recognize, oh, here's what we are doing, and is that purposeful or not? Is that intentional or not? So much of this really does come back to. We fall into some unintentional habits. We drift into this concept of disrespect, and there's a price that comes from that. And yet, if we will open our eyes, recognize what we're doing, begin to take ownership, and then intentionally try to begin to create and build the values and the concepts that we want in our marriage, in our relationship, it can make a tremendous difference. So we're just going to look at a few things now of how can we intentionally begin to show respect? So what are some ways that spouses unintentionally create or sometimes intentionally create and show disrespect? So here are a couple ideas that we have.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:57]:
One is ignoring or dismissing their partner. So it is this idea of my ideas really don't matter to you. And so very quickly, instead of listening, processing, communicating with, help me understand that. Where does that belief come from? How did you develop that? How have you seen that work within your own life? It is a very quick, just kind of backhanded, oh, you don't know what you're talking about. You don't know the life that I have. Notice what that is. That is contempt. It's easy for me when my kids were little, not easy now.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:34]:
When my kids were little, it was easy for when little Silas, four year old Silas ran up to me and said, you know, here's my idea, daddy, it would be easy for me to go. You have no idea what you're talking about. You're a five year old kid. I'm a forty something year old man. I know the truth. I can't do that to Jenny and Jenny can't do that to me. Maybe this is part of my own personality. There are few things that irritate me more than when somebody just kind of swats away an idea that I've had as if I don't have any brains whatsoever.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:07]:
Now here's the thing. You can disagree with me all day long, all day long. You can listen, try to understand the concept and go, man, I don't think that's right. And whenever you disagree with me, that causes me in the moment to go, maybe I'm not right, man, I respect this person. They're listening to me, they're not on board. I wonder if I've got it wrong. But whenever you just hear what I have to say because I'm generally not an idiot, when you hear what I have to say and just dismiss it, I actually become more confident than I'm right. I'm like, you just didn't think through what I had to say right there.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:41]:
And it really is a feeling of disrespect. Whenever we just again, we want to honor the minds and the brains and the ideas of what our spouse has. And so whenever we don't place them right in our lives and we displace them, that is a sign of disrespect. Speaking harshly or criticizing. Notice the difference again that we've talked about before. Many of you are new or you're watching online kind of for the first time. There is a difference between critiquing something and criticizing a person. We can critique ideas, we can critique decisions that we made.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:21]:
We can critique whether or not we should do that again or we made the right call. We can critique all those things. We don't want to criticize the heart of our spouse. So there's a major difference even in how we might say, hey, I wish we wouldn't have done that versus you and your heart is evil or wrong or you don't care, you don't Know you don't understand these kind of all defining concepts of who this person is and listen. And we all get tired that we are all imperfect in this area and we need to have a wide strike zone. Here's the beauty of respect. When respect is present and you speak harshly to your spouse, they can receive that kindly and compassionately and go, oh, he's having a bad day. Oh, she's having a tough moment.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:09]:
The kids are difficult. Work is all these things. And when respect is present, we actually have a wide tolerance level. Now, a window of tolerance is what psychologists call it regarding receiving some of this harsh speaking or criticism. When respect isn't present, then speaking harshly and criticizing really is like stabbing with a sword. It speaks to the very heart of who we are. Now here's where the balance has to come in this, I think there is a balance between. We all have these moments, and we have to be very careful about the freedom we feel around our loved ones.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:48]:
And just speaking loosely, however we want to speak. Cause here's the truth. Many of you in this room will speak to your wife in a way that you would never speak to me, ever. I remember back in Arkansas, I came in one day gonna do a wedding, and I just happened to walk in. One of our staff members wives was kind of our wedding coordinator there at the church. So any wedding done at the church, they would have to go through her. And I walked in one day as this person was reaming her out, and I walked up and they looked up and they saw me. And immediately they changed.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:22]:
And I just said, hey, help me understand. You would never speak to me that way. Why are you speaking to her that way? Because with me, it's like, oh, he's the pastor. So there's a weight that's there, a value that's there. Well, why didn't she get that? Let me ask you, dear friends again. There's a vulnerability, no doubt. None of us are perfect. I'm not saying that at all.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:45]:
Why are we so quick to yell at our spouses when we wouldn't do that with anybody else now? And I get that houses are different. And in no way am I trying to say that your house should be like my house. And you heard me talk already about the idea of emotions trail with Jenny and I because we're much more head and gut. So Sunday night, I'm in North Carolina, and I do the whole head, heart, gut thing that I did with y'all a couple weeks ago.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:10]:
And.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:11]:
And the pastor at this church in North Carolina he and his wife were on staff with us back in Arkansas years ago, before they had kids, young, married, all those kind of things. And so I talked about, man, I leave with my head. And so heart kind of trails behind. So I'm not as emotional, not as demonstrative in those kind of ways. And Stephen told me later that Haley went, huh? And he leaned over and said, oh, do you not believe that? And she goes, no, that explains a lot. And so I get it. Some homes are gonna be more emotionally driven than others. I get that.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:41]:
But I do think that we live in a time of freedom, culturally, where somehow it's acceptable to yell at our spouse and our kids in a way that just does not make logical sense to me. How does it really help parent your child if you're constantly yelling at them? It just doesn't process or compute with me. And yet that's how many of us were raised. And no doubt we get agitated. And I'm not perfect about this at all. But why would I yell at Jenny? Disagree, yes. Discuss, yes. Figure it out.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:17]:
Absolutely. But to lash out with a tone and notice, tone matters here. Contrary to what my 13 year old sister thought at the time, tone matters. She used to tell my mom all the time, is that my tone? My tone doesn't matter? Mom would say, yeah, it's your tone that's the issue. Tone communicates. And so we got to make sure to notice that. I would say a great deal of disrespect falls right there at number two. Number three, this idea of withholding affection or attention.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:48]:
The thing about the silent treatment, now there is a process of we're internal processors. And so I don't want to say anything right now that would be the wrong thing. There does need to be that kind of space that's given. But to go hours and days and weeks to where you are intentionally now, withholding this affection and attention in a silent treatment in order to punish your spouse. That is a disrespectful kind of concept. Failing to keep promises or follow through. We talked about that in the previous one. A disregarding of boundaries.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:16]:
We talked about that previously as well. Speaking negatively about their spouse to others. So there are some safe spaces in which you need to process what your relationship is all about. And we should all have friendships of the same gender in which you can safely say, hey, here's what's going on. But here's the thing. You want to make sure that those relationships are with people who value marriage. What you don't want to do is have some single friends who maybe have gone through divorce, and now you go to them and you run down to your wife or some single women who've gone through a divorce, and you go to them, you run down your husband. Because if you're not very careful, what will happen is they will run down your spouse with you and run down the institution of marriage.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:00]:
You want people in your life who love you and love your marriage. You have the freedom to go to them and say, hey, here's what's going on, and I'm dealing with this. And they can give you good advice, they can support you, they can love you. But what you don't want to do is just in the office say, oh, man, can you believe she did this? I can't think of a single time. I mean, my office mates, many of them are here in the room right now. If they can recount a time in which I've talked poorly about Jenny in front of them, that's just off limits, because I want to respect her in every way I can. So prioritizing other people or things over their spouse, that is disrespectful. I know many people who serve like crazy everybody else, but then don't serve at home very well, rejecting their partner's influence or input.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:46]:
I should have looked at this list a little bit better to realize I've already talked about some of this stuff using manipulation, control, or expressing contempt again, and then also neglecting emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy. So the silent treatment is one thing. Now, what number 10 is saying is not being intentional to nourish these things, to just leave these kind of things to drift. And however they take place, that's actually an act now of disrespect. So let's talk briefly about when should we not respect our spouse? There are times in which your spouse is not worthy of respect. What are those times? It is the idea of abuse. Again, adultery, so that consistent betrayal of trust, whether it be just adultery or the idea of lies, also manipulation when they show contempt and refuse to take responsibility. So you don't necessarily give respect to somebody who's also not willing to give respect in return when they abandon their responsibilities.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:45]:
And so this basic concept of we all have a responsibility to give equal effort and energy. We're talking about taking care of the house, we're talking about jobs, talking about all those kind of things. When they abandon, what is their natural kind of role within that, then you can begin to question how much respect beyond the base level that they should be given. And then when they expect respect without respect being mutual. Ideally, this is a reciprocal relationship that is growing whenever it's one sided. And let's face it, in many ways this is kind of an old fashioned marriage. An old fashioned marriage. Decades ago you would see this idea of the wife is expected to respect her husband, but sometimes he doesn't respect her in return.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:29]:
That's an unhealthy relationship. We want this to be reciprocal in every way possible. So let's talk about a couple of unfair reasons that we tend to disrespect each other that aren't necessarily fair. So those are the fair ones, but here are some unfair ones. And that is there are times in which there is an expectation of perfection of our spouse. And when they can't meet that standard, we start showing a disrespect toward them, which is completely unfair. So that's going to be a problem that's within us that we have an unfair expectation that we don't recognize that our spouse is as imperfect as anybody else. And now we're holding them to a standard that nobody could possibly meet in any way.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:12]:
And oftentimes what's happening in that moment is we are trying to create a standard that they can't meet so that we feel justified in our disrespect. Something else that causes disrespect that's unfair is whenever we fail to confront conflict, that resentment grows. And as it begins to grow over time, we begin to grow bitter and resentful toward our spouse. And so much of it goes back to some issue in the past that we just never have worked through in some way. This is one of the powerful aspects of forgiveness as we actually confront the issues that are going on in our lives. But whenever we don't do that and we basically, it was what Gottman talks about kind of gunny sacking that basically we carry this gunny sack here and we take the unresolved conflict, put it in here, and we just wait and we're gonna throw it right back at them as soon as they do anything. And that is now a disrespectful act that they don't deserve in any way. Whenever we now are prioritizing everything else over our spouse, that is a disrespect that they will feel whether we understand it or not.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:18]:
One of the great ways we disrespect this is where I'm probably primarily guilty. At what point do I put my phone down as Jenny, get my full attention and instead of living in this constant partial attention, if I Did that to you, you would feel it. It would impact you. Think about it. I'm on the plane this week, right? Then the person next to me is talking, and I'm okay, but I've talked a lot, right? And so there comes a point, I just pull out my phone, guess what? They stop talking. Like, yes, it worked, right? Well, think about this. If we use this at times to get people to stop talking to us, why are we surprised when our spouse feels a little bit offended when they're trying to talk to us and we're using our phone now as a shield of what is taking place? So we need to recognize they don't deserve that. This idea of there is an aspect that some spouses have of when love is right.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:16]:
My spouse should just understand who I am and what I need and know what's going on. And when they don't, then I'm offended and I show disrespect to them. There's no way your spouse can understand that. I don't know half the time what I need or what I think. How is Jenny going to figure that out? And yet if we have this false assumption of, well, they're just my soulmate, it's a perfect love, they should just know. Exactly. I shouldn't have to tell them what to buy me for Christmas. They should just know.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:43]:
Good luck. You have to teach me how to love you. I have to teach you how to love me. And whenever we're not training each other on how to do that, on what is it that I need? Here's a great homework assignment for every single person in this room. Make a list for your spouse. Whenever you do one of these five things, I feel tremendously respected by you when you do these things, when you say this, when you do that, when you act in this way, list them out. And figure out what does your spouse uniquely need? Because we're all different in some ways. I mean, it really kind of does go back to the love languages to some extent.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:24]:
That. That. What is it that makes me feel respected? All right? How can I communicate to Jenny so that she will know, hey, this is what I need? In the same way that you can communicate that with your co workers, with your friends, with your bosses, all those things. Here's the truth. For me, for me as a worker here at Bayside, my bosses aren't here, so I can say this. Don't share this with them. A raise does very little. For me, it just does very little.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:51]:
I mean, it's a nice hit when it happens, but Then beyond that, it just quickly fades. For one of them to look me in the eye and say, man, Kevin, thank you for this. You did this. This was excellent. This was well done. I am much more a words of affirmation guy than I am money in the bank. Now, don't tell him, because I would like a salary, but it just doesn't do it for me. So they need to know that, right? Well, what about for your spouse? Because it could be that there are ways that you are trying to show respect, but it's not how they feel respected.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:31]:
And so to have this open communication, man, here's what I love. When you do this, it just means something to me. You've heard me say before. Jenny has told me before that when I clean the kitchen, she feels respected. Because what she sees is, all right, you're in this with me. We're in this together. And so when I fail to do that on a consistent basis, I'm now making her feel like she's being taken advantage of and I'm making her feel disrespectful. That's not what I want.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:58]:
So get in and clean the kitchen.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:00]:
Right?
Kevin Thompson [00:20:01]:
But let's be honest. Here's one thing that we tend to overlook. A great amount of disrespect that we show to others is the fact that we do not respect ourselves and we actually project upon others the very pain and sorrow we feel within our own hearts and souls. And one way to cultivate a respect in your marriage is to begin to live a life that, first of all, you can look in the mirror and respect yourself again. Not perfection, but walking in the love of Jesus and forgiveness of Jesus. I'm growing and I'm going and I'm doing what I'm called to do, but then to begin to work through some of the unmet needs you've had from your past so that you can show to this most intimate a relationship that you have the respect and the value that you actually want to show. But until you deal with the past, it's going to keep on repeating in your present. But the moment you begin to process through some of those unmet wounds and deeds that were there because a great deal of disrespect.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:05]:
Notice this. Think about what stonewalling is where I'm not gonna say anything. It's the same thing as yelling. Yelling and stonewalling are the exact same thing. What is it? It is, I will not have this conversation with you so I can either emotionally shut down so that you will stop talking eventually Or I'm going to lash out to try to overpower you so you will stop talking. Either way, we don't have to have this conversation. And what's happening is we're trying to protect our hearts. Well, here's the thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:38]:
If you need to protect your heart from your spouse, protect it.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:42]:
But you got to ask yourself the.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:43]:
Question, am I really supposed to be protecting my heart right now or will they actually treat it right? And this way that I'm tempted to run, I actually need to lean in, place my heart out on the table, control my tone, engage, but not be overbearing and actually process what's going on here. Because here's there's very few things I think as respectful as this for me to hand Jenny my heart and say, I trust you. That to me is the ultimate respect. I'm not doing that with all you jokers. I don't know how you'll treat me and many of you. I love you and you're great and I'll give you parts of myself. No doubt. Jenny gets it all.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:33]:
Why? Because she has vowed to treat me right. There's no greater respect or honor that I can give than that. And if I know she will do that, then it becomes my life pursuit to make sure that I've created a climate in which she can do that with me. And if you can get to that place, there becomes very little limits of what you can or cannot do. Respect is so important. All right, Q and A, here we go. Blaney, welcome. Oh, there we go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:05]:
Don't call me Blaney.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:06]:
Come on.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:07]:
My name's Blaine.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:08]:
Alright, so Jenny's filtering through. You can text marriage to 56316. Blaine and Adrienne, we're going to ask some questions. Don't forget to go to change the Odds the podcast and like it that way. Blaine, Adrienne and I can feel some self worth and value around here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:20]:
Very important for us to feel that.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:23]:
We just get more views than Mark Clark. That's all we need.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:25]:
We know we got him, buddy. You're the best author. Let's hear for Kevin Thompson tonight. Awesome job. So we got about 12 questions here. If we get through them all, great. If not, we got more for tomorrow or next week. Let's just start right off the top.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:41]:
What are the signs that a marriage is worth fighting for versus letting go?
Kevin Thompson [00:23:47]:
Yeah, that's a great question. Science is worth fighting for versus letting go. So first of all, if there is active addiction, abuse or adultery, I would go with a counselor. Sit down with A professional counselor and ask, can we work through this? A Christian counselor would be great. Can't we work through this? Or will they look at that and say, you know what? I think this is now unresolvable. Right. So you have that issue of what's going on for every other relationship. I would say this.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:15]:
Some relationships do come to an end. I get that. But if it's going to come to an end, at least earn the right to make sure that's going to happen. And what I mean by that is make sure you've done everything in your power to give this relationship the best chance it can have. And so what that means is me and my partner are going to go to counseling. Well, he won't go. Okay, I'm going without you. And I'm going to go and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to say, hey, the appointment is Tuesday at 7:00.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:41]:
And she says, I'm not going. And he goes, well, I'm going anyway. And at Tuesday at 7:00, I'm going to show up, I'm going to tell my story to the counselor, counselingaysideonline.com over here, and I'm going to work through. Is there something I'm doing? Is there something I can improve? I'm going to make sure I've done everything in my power to make this work. And if at the end of that process, she doesn't want it, he doesn't want it, or we can't reconcile it. Okay, then how can we unwind this in the least painful way possible for me, for my family, if there's kids, all that kind of thing? What I don't want to do is, well, it's just not working. I'm gonna move on. Well, you haven't earned the right to do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:18]:
I don't know if that's a phrase that we're allowed to use around here, but I just used it. Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:23]:
I think it's good. How do we navigate parenting when we have different styles?
Kevin Thompson [00:25:29]:
Yeah, that's a great question. And I would say for Jenny and I, parenting has probably been the most difficult aspect of marriage because we do have different styles. Right. So Jenny is firstborn, More assertive.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:42]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:42]:
Secure relationship, secure attachment. I am second born. Much more passive. Much more. It'll work out. They'll figure it out. Even today, right? It's the idea of texting, hey, Ella's not awake. Going to class.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:55]:
Well, she'll figure that out. And Jenny's like, yeah, because I'm going to wake her up. But here's what I think, what you can do. Begin to appreciate that sometimes your spouse's way is better than your way, and sometimes your way is better than their way. And begin to parent together. You try to negotiate, navigate what are some basic rules that we're going to have. What are some basic guidelines that we're going to follow. And then there are other times in which we just stand back.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:22]:
I mean, there were times I remember specifically for those of you that read the book Fearless Families, you know, kind of the experience that Silas went through with his anxiety. There were times I'd look at Jenny and I'd be like, you try. My way's not working. And then there'd be other times in which she'd come to me and she goes, hey, you try. My way's not working. And so instead of looking at that as, oh, my goodness, we're on a different page here.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:42]:
What are we gonna do?
Kevin Thompson [00:26:43]:
Look at this as, hey, we have two different approaches available to us. What's gonna work best in this situation? And then leverage that for the best of your ability of how to move forward.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:54]:
Great. How do I set boundaries if I'm finding my partner has breaking trust multiple times? So broken trust multiple times. How do I set boundaries?
Kevin Thompson [00:27:04]:
Yeah. So, I mean, again, I would come back to what Blaine's favorite author has said. You just think about what's mine, what's theirs, and what's God's. And so I'm willing to now say, what do I control? And I'm going to clearly communicate to my spouse, here is what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. This isn't a threat. I'm not putting an ultimatum out there. I'm just saying here's I control me. Here's what I'm willing to do and not willing to do.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:31]:
I am not willing to consistently deal with lies. I'm just not willing to do that. And so let's figure it out.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:37]:
Here's what I am willing to do.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:38]:
I'm willing to help. I'm willing to go to counseling. I'm willing to go to a class. I'm willing to read a book. I'm willing to figure out what my part is in all of this, but I am not willing to continue to have this happen if you're in a situation where it's just a continual affair after affair after affair. I'm not willing to be married to this. I'm not willing. Now, you can either change your ways and we can Figure that out or we're going to go separate ways.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:00]:
But you begin to clarify, what do you control? Take ownership of that. Tell your partner, hey, I'm willing to help you with all of this if you're willing to let me. And then in the end, you leave to God, what is the actual outcome? But if there's continual trust that's being broken, I would say either call our care center, call the counseling center. Continual brokenness of trust is something that probably needs some significant outside help. You've already not solved it on your own, so get some help to try to solve it now.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:32]:
I didn't write this, but I do relate. Why am I so quick to anger with my husband and how can I change this?
Kevin Thompson [00:28:39]:
Well. Oh, okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:40]:
Let's get after it.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:41]:
Did you write that? So I think that is a beautiful question. Here's what the issue is. We all have these basic attachment needs. We need to be seen and valued and heard and understood and loved and think about how God created humanity. The only defense mechanism we have are relationships. That's it, right? Shark has teeth, right? You know, a bee has a stinger. What do we have? We only have relationships. And so we are highly attuned to needing those relationship needs methods because they are a symbol that we are safe in connection.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:20]:
And so whenever we feel any sense of disconnection, of detachment, whenever those attachment needs are not met, fight or flight begins to kick in. So it should not surprise us that we actually struggle the most in marriage and in parenting because those relationships are the most important things to us. So it's not shocking that you'll have the calmest guy ever in every other corner of life who then finds himself feeling emotions and anger and frustrations that he's never experienced anywhere else. Or you have the most saintly woman of all time who can navigate all these different issues, but whenever it comes to her husband and kids, she can lose it in a flash. It's because those unmet needs of attachment are there and fight or flight kicks in. Now, then we then leverage what the body is doing to recognize, all right, what needs are unmet and how can I begin to communicate those in a healthy way? We pay attention to what the body is saying and doing. We'll look at this whenever we talk about communication, that you begin to pay attention to your heart rate, your tone of voice, the angst that's within you as a sign of, okay, something important is happening here. Now, how can I make sure that that need is getting met instead of lashing out in a way, that's actually going to further disconnect me.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:36]:
That's a great question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:38]:
Okay. How do you tell your spouse that you don't feel respected in a respectful way?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:44]:
Yeah, yeah. Pass the microphone to Jenny. No, I'm kidding. So, I mean, one thing that this looks like for me and Jenny is, you know, we're driving home, hypothetically, from a speaking engagement, and she says, hey, honey, I know you love me. I know you respect me, but that one story, it just. It rubs me wrong. Oh, my goodness. Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:09]:
I don't want to do that. Right. So I think if you, you want to be honest, but if you can honestly say, honey, I know you would never intentionally try to hurt me, but whenever you do this, here's how I feel. So you're owning your own feelings. You're owning what's happening here. And notice this. If your spouse has this conversation with you in the next couple of days, here's what I don't want you to do. Do not do this.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:35]:
Well, I don't mean to. No, no, no. She's already said. Or he's already said. I know you wouldn't mean to. It's not an idea about here's what my intention is. It's. Here's the actual response that's taking place.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:47]:
And so you listen. Then you can ask a question. Hey, tell me more. Is there other times that come to mind that you feel that way? Because that's not what I want to communicate. So I think a slow startup draw the. Remind them of the bigger picture. I love you. I know you love me.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:07]:
I love this.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:08]:
But there's this one thing in here that isn't working well. How can we begin to work on that? That's how I'd go about it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:15]:
Are you able to recap the process for a healthy argument? Did you do that?
Kevin Thompson [00:32:21]:
Well, I just did. So we'll talk about that with communication. Okay, but a little bit of what I just said, to start slow, to put the context in a bigger picture, to reaffirm the love that we have for each other. And then to make sure that you're going after the issue, not attacking the person, you put proper boundaries around it. And hey, we need to work on this issue. And I know together we can do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:46]:
That's the process.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:47]:
Yeah. Okay. This is a little bit different. What role should extended family play in marriage conflicts? And how do you set boundaries when you feel they're overly involved?
Kevin Thompson [00:32:57]:
Yeah. What role should they play? None. None. Here's what you do not want to go to Your parents and talk about your husband or your wife. Because think about that, they're wearing multiple hats. So like, let's go with my parents, right?
Kevin Thompson [00:33:16]:
They would, by the way, they would.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:17]:
Take Jenny over me any day. But so my mom wears the hat of Kevin's mom. She also wears the hat of Jenny's mother in law. And if I go to her and begin to trash my wife to her, it's putting her in conflict of what she's supposed to do now. And that's an impossible role. And beyond that, she can't solve it for me anyway. There's only two types of people that you want to tell your problems to. Two types of people.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:45]:
Those who can help you and those that it can help. Only those two. Those that can help you and those that it can help. And so my mom is not in a position because of her role in our lives. She cannot be our marriage counselor. She cannot be my best friend. She can only be my mom, Jenny's mother in law, the grandparents of my kids, right? And so I can't go to her with this. I got to go to somebody else.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:14]:
So who can help me? Let's go to that person. Now, after all that's said and done, if we go through something and I'm in a relationship with somebody and I can peel back the curtain and say, hey, Jenny and I went through something very similar to this, and then I can share with that person a way that can help them process what's going on. Those are the only two types of people you tell. You do not tell your parents your in laws.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:35]:
Is marriage counseling effective if only one partner is willing to participate?
Kevin Thompson [00:34:40]:
Counseling is effective if only one person is willing to participate. Can it positively impact the marriage? Yes, it can. Marriage is a system. If any aspect of that system changes, the whole system has to reorg to some extent. Ideally both people would be involved, but when it just starts as one, what can happen is as this person begins to grow and they begin to change their behaviors and actions, it provides the opportunity where the other person can do the same. Because what a counselor can do, let's say husband and wife need to go to counseling. And she says, hey, I'm going with or without you. And he goes, I'm not going.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:16]:
When she gets in there, she can begin to learn, how do I respond in a secure way? Well, a secure response is going to be a whole lot more healthy than however she was responding before, which will then be better for him, but could also motivate him possibly to action. And for One to make him see that she's real about this, all those kind of things. So can it help? Yes. Is it ideal? No. Maybe two more.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:40]:
Okay, I got my last one here. What are some practical ways to improve intimacy in a struggling marriage?
Kevin Thompson [00:35:47]:
Yeah. So we'll look at that here in a couple weeks. That'll be a great question to ask Dr. Barbara Wilson, because she's an expert in this area and she helps couples. One aspect is with Barbara specifically, and she sees clients in the area of sexuality. This is one of the greatest returns on investments of counseling can actually come in this area of intimacy, because what feels so unique to us is so common to everybody else. Another aspect that I would look at first and foremost is, okay, vulnerability we're struggling with. How's the trust and respect? Let's work on the trust and respect.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:20]:
Work on the friendship, work on the partnership. Improve those areas, and then intentionality can begin to assist us with the vulnerability. Most of the times. You've heard me say this? A million times. Generally speaking, problems do not arise in the bedroom, but they are expressed there. And so, generally speaking, the problem is somewhere outside the bedroom, but it expresses itself in the bedroom. And most of the time, it's some kind of crack in trust and respect.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:45]:
Adrienne, do you have a question? No. Okay. What's one small thing I can do tomorrow to start building more respect if I know it's lacking?
Kevin Thompson [00:36:56]:
Yeah, that's a great question. Fixate on something your partner does well and communicate that. Just fixate on it. And maybe you haven't said it before, maybe you have before. Repeat it in some way. Send them a text. Man, thank you so much for how hard you're working for our family. I love you.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:14]:
I can't wait to see you whenever you get home. Hey, I am so grateful for this morning. And whenever I got together and the kids were running around the house, and, man, just how you love me and love those kids is just a thing that I'm so grateful for. You can just go through a whole list. Begin to take notes of gratitude of everything that your spouse is doing. Recognize all the things you don't have to do because your spouse does them, and begin to thank them for those things. And as you're thinking in positive terms toward them, it will kind of have a momentum in the same way that whenever you think about a negative thing, it will probably lead to another negative thing. Begin to kind of have a mental hack of fixate on that which is positive and that which is good.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:55]:
It's a Whole lot easier to build on that which is good than to immediately correct that which is struggling or bad. Okay? Communication, money, and sex. So if you have those three things down, this is your last session. You don't have to show up ever again. Let me ask you a quick question. Your last money talk with your spouse, was it positive and when was it? If it hadn't been within the last month, you need to show up next time. If you never use the wrong tone with your spouse, if you never had a fight, then you're free to go. If not, we'll see you in two weeks.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:24]:
And finally, if your intimacy is just off the charts, great, man, Write a book. If not, we'll see you three weeks from now. God bless. All right.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:31]:
And we're back. What a talk.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:33]:
Way to go, man.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:33]:
What a talk. Wow.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:36]:
All right, so let's get in some detail here of ways that we show disrespect. One of the things I talked about in that discussion is few things make me feel more disrespected than somebody not truly considering my idea and just kind of slapping it away now. But let's face it, there are times in which that has to happen. You're in the midst of a brainstorming session. I mean, we gather together as a group of pastors every Wednesday and go over the sermon for the next week, and everybody's kind of throwing out their ideas, but every now and then, I'll say something and somebody will just kind of backhand it away and go on to the next idea as though that's a bad idea of some sort. And it really grates on me of, man, that's disrespectful. You can disagree with me all day. I have no problem with that.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:23]:
But when you don't take my ideas seriously, because generally speaking, I'm not an idiot. Generally speaking, there are exceptions, no question. So that, for me, is something that gets on me. What is it that for y'all really are ways that you feel disrespected?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:39]:
Okay, if I'm talking, like, from Blaine, it's. It's when he is on his phone and, like, kind of half paying attention, or I'm like, bling bling that.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:52]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:53]:
And then two is when.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:55]:
Oh, wow, we got two.
Blaine Neufeld [00:39:57]:
You're small.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:57]:
Because overall, he's very respectful. But these are just two little things. He's golfing or something or somewhere, and he's like, I'll be home at this time. And he's home an hour later. And he won't just give Me the answer. He always wants to be like, positive thinking, like wishful thinking. It's like, no, no, I should be home by then.
Blaine Neufeld [00:40:18]:
That's what she wants to hear.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:19]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:19]:
When. I don't want you to say what I want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth. Of like, no, this is when I'll be home. I know, it sucks.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:26]:
Let's sit with this for a minute. I love this. I love every aspect.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:30]:
Okay. You're welcome.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:31]:
Thank you for bringing this to the table.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:33]:
Is it about. Cause it's about golf.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:35]:
Yes, that's exactly right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:37]:
I thought so.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:37]:
So this idea. Cause I see this all the time and it's so well intentioned. So Blaine knows what you want to hear. So he wants to appease you, keep you happy. He loves you, he wants you happy, satisfied. And so he's gonna tell you what you want to hear, even while he, in the back of his mind, subconsciously knows that that's possible.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:03]:
Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:04]:
It's always possible in Blaine's mind.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:05]:
That is best case scenario of all time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:09]:
I don't want best case scenario. I want truth. I want reality.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:13]:
And notice. Here's what I love about this example, is the very thing that Blaine is trying to avoid. Your frustration and unhappiness is the very thing his answer is causing.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:25]:
Totally. Because I. Even though when you're like, oh, I'm actually gonna be home in two hours, not one, I'll be like, ugh, okay, fine. But then my mindset is like, okay, I have two hours, like, rally with the kids until he's home. Instead of being like, where is he? Like he said an hour ago. And then I'm like stewing in this anger.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:45]:
Yes. So let's go back. No, Blaine, you can't talk. Let's go back to this idea that we had, that part of showing respect is not only doing what I should, but doing what I say. So where this is disrespectful is he's getting into the concept of he's not quite doing what he said he would do. Yes, but the solution to that is not. Well, just do what you say. No, actually what he needs to do is change what he's saying.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:15]:
That's where the flip of the brain has to actually come. And seriously, such a small issue. And it has a compounding effect if you're not very careful, because you can actually train your spouse not to trust you or believe you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:27]:
Well, and that is where it's gone to at some point is where I'm like, yeah, I'LL tell people. Like, well, he says that, but he won't be home for two hours. You know, Like, I already know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:36]:
Well, I'm glad I came.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:37]:
This is fun. You don't even have to pay a copay for this.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:41]:
It has happened a lot where you're home an hour later than you said, and, like, things happen. I get that. Golf goes long. Or we have a.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:49]:
Well, the part of.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:49]:
That's the job, too. The job is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:51]:
And I totally understand it, but it's just fully.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:53]:
Right. Yeah, fully right. Because I'm just trying to appease. Right. And the progression was. Okay. Then, you know, she has me on find your phone.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:02]:
Oh, yeah. I track them. I'm like, you haven't left yet?
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:05]:
You know, just a practice.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:06]:
Oh, we do.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:06]:
We do the same thing. Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:07]:
I sound like a crazy wife.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:08]:
No, no, not at all. No. Mother of three kids at home. And now what's happened is she gets the kids to call me. It's like, you asked dad when he's coming.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:19]:
Well, and they want to.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:20]:
And they're there.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:21]:
They're like, where's dad? Where's dad? I'm like, find out. Oh, yeah, you ask him.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:24]:
But no, that's a fair.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:25]:
But it is interesting. And this isn't to, like, throw shade on our parenting style, but I can hear it in Cash's voice now, like, oh, dad, what are you doing? Dad? So. And we're doing a book where we're starting to learn, like, the seven primal questions, like, what kind of makes kids tick? Or we like what makes us go? And you can see it in your own kids. Right. This kind of thing. So it's very interesting, and I take all the information, and it's truth, and I'm not here to defend it, but it is a good thing, and I do it with other people because I.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:53]:
Want the best for you.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:54]:
Absolutely.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:55]:
You have a good golf game. I just need you to see it. You know what I'm saying? Believe it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:59]:
I know, but you gotta be careful.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:01]:
It's so well intended.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:02]:
It just shows.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:02]:
And I get that.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:03]:
It just shows how some of our faults and flaws are not necessarily ill intended.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:08]:
Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:08]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:09]:
But it's just. It is a little bit of not seeing the full picture of what's going on.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:13]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:14]:
All right, well, here's the thing, Blaine. Now you can come. Guns fully loaded.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:17]:
All right, I'm ready.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:18]:
We're not out of time.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:22]:
Well, I never feel disrespected.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:25]:
I love my life. There was two things for me. You had two.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:30]:
No, there you go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:31]:
But one actually happened recently in another conversation where one of my things is, I like to be needed. I like to have purpose, and I wanted to help out. And in this conversation, I was waiting for a thank you back for the things that I was doing to help someone and they weren't doing it. And I felt disrespected in that I'm like, even though I know I don't really need it or want it, but I kind of do, but I felt this. Did you not see me here? Did you not, you know, include me in your ideas of how I helped you do this thing or get through this thing? So that was interesting to me, now that we're talking through that lens and that happened recently. And the other one that was. Was on the list was just this, because we had a bit of this at the start of our relationship. More so was like, was the withholding of physical touch.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:18]:
Right. So it's like using it as a weapon almost in terms of like, ah, Again, I think it's part of the being needed moment. But at the same time, just rub my back to show me that you love me. Right. That you see me, that you, you appreciate me, that you respect me, and that sort of thing. So those are the two that kind of jumped out to me.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:35]:
Yeah, well, and with that, there is on one hand this idea of, look, when we feel disconnected, it's okay to have time to process and write. I don't always feel like I want to touch you at this very moment. Right. But then there does become this weaponization of that specifically. And so I think about the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, those kind of things.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:58]:
Couples.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:58]:
That really is a warning flag. I think within a relationship, it's one thing if, you know, hey, I need a little bit of time to cool off, that's totally fine. But I'll hear couples on occasion say, oh, we'll go three weeks and not talk. And I'm like, hang on, wait, no, wait, what? Like, I can't even process that concept. And so to begin to look at what are the patterns of what's going on, there is something I think is we got to watch out for. I do want to just hit on this idea of there are times, as we talked about in the talk, there are times our spouse does not deserve respect. And when there's active addiction, abuse, adultery, those things are going on when they refuse to give respect back. So there's a.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:35]:
We talked about in the talk, there's a base level respect every human being deserves. There's and then the rest of it really is earned. And we have to come up with our part of that to get the respect that we deserve. But there's another aspect that we often forget. When I'm in a good relationship and I'm failing to show respect to my spouse, which I think is a lot of where our listeners probably are. Why am I disrespectful at times? All right, we gotta look at what's going on inside of us, that those are unmet attachment needs that we have. And because that hurt and that pain is there, we're kicking into fight or flight, and we're beginning to lash out toward our spouse, which, as we said before, is a safe space. We're lashing out toward them as a way to try to get them to see the pain that we have.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:20]:
It's not fair, but it's what happens. And what I want couples to begin to do is begin to recognize that within themselves and then go, okay, how can I now properly communicate that these needs are unmet? That, oh, I recognize my tone here, and we're all going to have bad tone and all those kind of things, but I recognize there's an angst within me. What's going on? Okay, let's take a step back and look at the emotions that are going on underneath us. And then how can we. Instead of trying to hurt our spouse so they will see our pain, because that will never work. How can we communicate to our spouse, hey, I need you. I need connected. I need, you know, that kind of thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:56]:
Do y'all ever see that in Yalls?
Kevin Thompson [00:47:57]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:47:58]:
And that takes so much self control to not lash out in anger or, like. And sometimes we've had moments where it's like, I only feel like, you hear me, if I'm, like, yelling or crying or something, you know, like, breaking point. Yeah. When I'm at my limit, then you respond. Otherwise, it's just me talking to, like. You're like, oh, don't. Just don't care. Just don't worry about it, you know? What is that? Stonewalling.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:21]:
Stonewalling, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:48:22]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:22]:
Well.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:22]:
And what's interesting there.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:48:23]:
Not a lot just. But it has happened.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:25]:
No.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:25]:
And those are the biggest issues, like, in our. Our marriage. Right. Is this. Blaine is the appeaser. He wants to keep everybody happy. Just like before, when we're talking about this idea of Blaine talking to the group. Oh, let's go in the thing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:39]:
Let's do the thing. And Adrienne can then tell the group, guys, it's just a dream. Right now, it's gonna be. Maybe this won't happen, so don't be disappointed if it. No, no, it's all good. Like, it's a good balance when you find the healthy version of. Right. But.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:52]:
But to her point, it's like, no, no, no, I don't want to necessarily deal with that. Avoid it and no, it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. And then only when I know, oh, my gosh, she's serious. This is not good. That's when we deal with it.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:05]:
But I think one thing y'all could work on. This is not a major issue at all, but you can continue to improve in this area. Is Adrienne, you can begin to look at. Okay. Am I too dependent upon Blaine to soothe me and calm me at times?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:49:19]:
Yes. I already know that answer, because if.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:21]:
That'S what I'm doing, okay, that's great. The grace that he's there. Great that he can do that. But then what that is, is that's actually inviting him now to downplay some of my real concerns at other times where I don't want to be calmed down. I want the issue taken care of. And so you can recognize. All right. How can I begin to learn to soothe myself a little bit more and not lean on him to have to do that at the same time, Blaine, to begin to recognize that whenever you do dismiss what are.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:49]:
Whenever you try to calm what are really issues that need to be solved, you are actually inviting her into a more erratic state to communicate to you. Because it's not working.
Blaine Neufeld [00:50:01]:
I'm not getting through.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:03]:
It's not working.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:50:04]:
Right, exactly.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:05]:
And so it's interesting how y'all can see your pattern, how you're playing off each other. Again, extremely healthy dynamic that y'all have going on, but just these kind of minor things of. Oh, because it's easy for us to get in the mindset of. Well, yeah, of course, sometimes I can cause the erraticness because I'm having to always calm. No, no, no. All right, let's start seeing how I'm actually inviting the very behavior that I actually don't want and how I'm creating something within the other partner that I could. A better response would actually assist them in how they're responding.
Blaine Neufeld [00:50:36]:
What would a response look like then, for this situation? This is, like, real tangible for us right now.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:41]:
Which one specifically?
Blaine Neufeld [00:50:42]:
So me, like, let's say, okay, it's okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:45]:
Shh.
Blaine Neufeld [00:50:45]:
It's going to be fine. Versus, what should I do? Say, yeah, this sucks. Let's go after it together.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:51]:
So here's so for me and Jenny, our dynamic is switched here.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:55]:
Okay?
Kevin Thompson [00:50:56]:
So one thing that Jenny does to me is to ask the question. Hey, do you want me to listen or do you want me to solve it?
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:01]:
Okay, good.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:03]:
So just ask the question. You want me to listen to this? Because there are times in which I come home, you know, my co workers, I come home and I want to. And Jenny's like, all right, well, let's go. No, no, no, no, you do not.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:14]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:15]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:15]:
I just need you to talk, to.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:51:17]:
Listen, talk through this. Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:19]:
And then there are other times in which I'm like, so can you, can you do something about that? Because of how our personalities are different.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:27]:
Yeah, that's good.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:28]:
And so that would be one thing. And the second recommendation I would have is get in the habit of saying, and I stole this from Tim Ferriss. And I think it's a great concept. On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this to you? And 7 is not available.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:41]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:43]:
And so if it is, this is a three. Okay. I don't really have to calm her. I don't really. All right, if this is a nine, all right, what do we need to do? There's action that needs to be taken to solve this. And then I think Adrienne can begin to learn to save from the get go. Because we have to recognize. I have to recognize for Jenny.
Kevin Thompson [00:52:03]:
Jenny's an action oriented person. Right. And I have to recognize for her. So she's going to kick into action very quickly. Let me communicate to her, hey, let me just tell you what's going on. Not go do something about it. Let me just tell you. And that then assists her getting the framework of how she's actually supposed to look.
Blaine Neufeld [00:52:21]:
And even you saying, this is a two, Jenny almost de escalates yourself a little bit.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:52:27]:
If I know I'm gonna be calm and I'm gonna say this is a nine. I don't look like it's a nine, but it is. I need you to accept it as a nine. Then I could be calm. Cause I know he'll receive it 100%.
Blaine Neufeld [00:52:37]:
But what's a nine?
Kevin Thompson [00:52:39]:
Ooh, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:52:40]:
Do you remember anything that's a nine?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:52:42]:
Well, we don't.
Kevin Thompson [00:52:42]:
Or three next episodes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:52:44]:
Let's come back and think about that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:52:46]:
Forgot where I was for a second. I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:52:48]:
All right, so respect such an important topic. And in the next few episodes, we're going to cover the big issues. We're going money, we're going to communication. We're going. Intimacy. All in the journey of becoming friends, partners and lovers. Until next time, have a great day.