Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey. Welcome to Change the Odds, the podcast where marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here with Blaine and Adrienne Neufeld. How in the world are you?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:08]:
Well, we are Good. Good.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:10]:
Happy 2025.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:11]:
Happy New Year.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:12]:
Happy New Year. It doesn't even feel like it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:14]:
No.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:14]:
And yet here we are. It doesn't. Isn't that amazing?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:16]:
The time around here goes like this, though.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:18]:
No, that's exactly right. So help our audience understand exactly who are you? You are my new Canadian friends. It's good to finally have a good Canadian friend. So what's your story?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:28]:
Mm. Who wants to go?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:29]:
Go ahead.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:30]:
All right. So we grew up in Canada. We actually. The sweet little story behind it was we were next door neighbors. Moved in beside her in sixth, seventh grade for the first, probably four years, three years. Didn't like me at all. Just did not like me at all.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:46]:
Well, you didn't even know I existed. I don't think I do.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:48]:
I saw you. I saw you over that fence. But at the same time, it was a working relationship. Sometimes we would walk to school, which would be kind of awkward because she was just ahead of me, but we weren't really. Then. Do you embrace that walk together or do you not? It's a tension that we had to figure out. But finally we started walking together and we started becoming best friends.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:08]:
Oh, look at that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:09]:
Right? That's really how it goes. Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:10]:
We became friends.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:11]:
We became really friends. Yeah. And I played hockey away from town, so I would travel and be gone for half of the year. And then we started to date. I had asked her out three times.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:20]:
On my 16th birthday, which is when I was allowed to date. So the day he asked me out, and I'm like, bro, so no.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:27]:
You said no?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:28]:
I said no. I was like, you know, let me fly a little bit. Let me see what's out there.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:33]:
This is day one. I can't. I can't lock this down right now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:36]:
I've con. Continued to smother her all her life until I got so that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:40]:
Yeah, he got what he wanted.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:41]:
That was no. And then the next time was like, I. I asked, hey, what do you want to. You think we should date? Like, it'd be great, right? And she's like, I don't know. But I took it as yes. That's yes. So I.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:51]:
Her sister.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:52]:
Who was he? What he wants to hear? I don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:54]:
Her sister's the biggest cheer. And she goes, are you guys dating on the MSN messenger in the day. And I go, yeah, yeah, we are. And Steph's like, oh, Adrienne, you're dating Blaine. No. What are you talking about? And so then the third time, I said, sure. She said, sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:09]:
Oh, wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:10]:
Just like, sure, let's try it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:13]:
This guy's not letting go. So dated. Dated for about how long?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:17]:
Six and a half years.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:18]:
Yeah. Oh, wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:19]:
And then we got married.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:19]:
That's a whole episode right there.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:21]:
Oh, yeah. There's lots here to discover. Kevin moved to Vancouver after two years of marriage, pursued hockey, pursued coaching, and then continued the journey. Had our kids in Vancouver. We got three of them. Cash, INDY, and RAYA. 8, 6 and 3 right now.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:36]:
And now we're co workers.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:37]:
And now we're coworkers.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:38]:
We're in California.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:39]:
How exciting is that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:40]:
Very exciting.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:41]:
All right, so here's what we're going to do today. We're going to y'all have a hot topic for me that I don't fully know what it is at this moment. We're going to figure it out. Y'all have a hot topic. And then today's episode is we're going to talk about five marriage trends for 2025. So there are five things that I can see happening that are going to continue to happen and maybe even accelerate the pace in 2025. So we're going to talk about those things. But first, we're going hot topic.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:03]:
Y'all bring the hot topic.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:04]:
What do we got going on? We got it. And I think we're going to go to the kitchen. I think we're going to go to the kitchen on this first one. So the question is, I have no expertise whatsoever, marriage counselor and such a pastor. How long is too long for leftovers? What's going on in your fridge? And, you know, we just gone through the holiday season because in ours, I seem to be the only one that cleans out the fridge. Oh, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:27]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:28]:
Yeah. So my theory is that you don't throw away the leftovers. You put them in the fridge, you let them get moldy, and then you throw them out because then you're just cleaning the fridge. You're not being wasteful.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:37]:
Yes. And doing science at the same time. And science kind of tells you when it's time to throw it away.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:42]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:42]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So two days.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:44]:
Yeah, two days.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:46]:
Two days.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:46]:
Two days. And you toss it.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:47]:
Oh, absolutely.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:48]:
What a wasteful man.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:50]:
100%. So, yeah, absolutely. I love leftovers, by the way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:52]:
You do?
Kevin Thompson [00:03:53]:
Sometimes. I like leftovers better than I like the original meal to some extent. Interesting. But I think after two days, here's what happens, and here's why I think this happens in our house. Jenny is much more of a clean kind of person. Right. And I am. After 48 hours, I have forgotten about it, literally.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:12]:
If Jenny wants to, all she has to do is move something about three feet. And I think it's never existed. Existed in my entire life. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:19]:
Blessing and a curse.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:20]:
Oh, no, absolutely. And so for me, after the second day, I no longer remember if the leftovers are even there or not. But then it's out. But is this a point of contention at times or not?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:29]:
A little bit.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:30]:
Can be.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:30]:
Oh, really?
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:31]:
So the piece that really gets going is a. I'm the one to only clean up the fridge because it just compiles, and then I do it in the most inopportune time always.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:40]:
So then we have, like, 35 containers on. On our counter. And he just leaves them there.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:45]:
Oh, no. I clean them up. I leave them in the sink because you got to let them soak.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:49]:
You know what they call that? That's called a protest.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:52]:
Oh, protest.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:53]:
He is subconsciously protesting what's going on.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:57]:
Suck at keeping the kitchen clean.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:58]:
No, no. He's protesting that this is always falling on him. And so instead of completing the job to where you would never see it, this is. This is now him raising his hand instead of assertively actually communicating this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:13]:
I thought it was because my mom always cleaned the dishes, so I just leave them in the sink.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:16]:
Oh.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:17]:
Probably part of it.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:18]:
That could be an aspect. I think it's a subtle protest. I think that's something to pay attention to. Is it possible that's why we're here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:26]:
To change the odds?
Kevin Thompson [00:05:27]:
We are 30 seconds into the first episode.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:29]:
We're getting counseled.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:31]:
I think we need to take a break.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:33]:
It's going to be good.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:33]:
There we go. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Is there a right or wrong on that? I don't know what it is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:38]:
I don't know. I would love to keep the fridge beautifully organized, and it's just not a priority in my life because we have three small kids. I could do better. I could do better.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:46]:
We can. We can do better.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:48]:
We.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:48]:
We.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:48]:
We are good.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:49]:
Oh, look at that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:49]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:50]:
Because you're friends first.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:51]:
Yes, we were. And are still.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:53]:
And lovers second.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:54]:
What?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:55]:
Oh.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:55]:
Oh. Partners. What up, partners. See? Come on, Adrienne.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:59]:
Swinging a mess.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:00]:
I'm learning there's a task that's here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:02]:
Swinging a miss.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:03]:
All right. Five trends are you ready for trend number one?
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:07]:
New year?
Kevin Thompson [00:06:07]:
Let's go. Yes. Here's what I think is going to happen in 2025, that most marriages will continue to be far happier than culture portrays. So here's the perception. The perception is that marriage sucks. That's the headline you watch. Show me a movie where the marriage is strong. No, it's always the affair.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:32]:
It's always the true love that is outside the bonds of marriage. Show me a TV show where the marriage is this really strong kind of concept. No, they're always in trouble right now. Sometimes they're reconnecting, but it's never successful, it's never happy. It's never all of those things. And so, generally speaking, culture thinks that marriage sucks, Right? And yet all the statistics show the exact opposite. There was a barn of research that was out just recently. 3,000 couples, 74% describe their marriage as either happy or extremely happy.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:08]:
74%. Now think about that. And yet all the perception is the exact opposite. So I think in 2025, we're going to continue to see more and more people are going to keep on being happy in their marriages, even why culture keeps on portraying it in just the opposite way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:27]:
If you think about every movie of the love story, it's the big trauma moment or the big moment of whatever, right? And then they quickly come back and they have this beautiful marriage, and then the movie ends. Well, what about the part two? What about like, literally a movie about what does it look like to be married to one another? Right. Enjoy it and actually enjoy it. Right. It's always the husband is a useless guy. Or I'm thinking like Modern Family. Phil Dumpney or what's his name? Dumphy. He's just this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:58]:
And just weak little guy. But it's like, what would.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:01]:
But I think they're happy in it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:03]:
Are they?
Kevin Thompson [00:08:04]:
Yeah, I think they are. But I think that's a good. That is an interesting example. I think they are a happy couple. And yet, let's face it, she's in charge. She's running everything. He's like another child that's in. On rare occasion, he steps in and plays the role of the man.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:22]:
And in those moments, you love it. Yes, but most of the time that's true.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:28]:
It's usually like, okay, they're happy, but it's kind of a dysfunctional happiness that you wouldn't want being portrayed.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:36]:
Yeah, no, I think so. And I think what frustrates me, as somebody who writes about marriage, who talks about marriage, who does a lot of marriage stuff, Is perception can become reality if you're not very careful. And so if the perception is most marriages are bad, then whenever we have a difficult day or difficult moment, we can begin to think, oh, well, here it goes, and we're gonna go. Or even if we have it good, we can think, well, when's the shoe gonna fall?
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:03]:
For sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:03]:
I don't even know what that means. But why are shoes falling? But it is something. There is the first idea, yes. Something's dropping. There's feet, there's falling. None of it's good. If I only have one shoe doing something that the other shoe isn't doing, that's horrible. And so we have that perception, and if we're not very careful, then that then becomes our reality.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:25]:
We actually make that happen in our own lives. So I think it's so important to begin to see that marriage in general is actually extremely good. And even think about this. Think about how even we talk about marriage. How often do you hear speakers, even if they are seemingly happy, their go to story is making fun of their spouse, which, by the way, I absolutely hate. The ultimate thing. Okay, well, no, she was ready to.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:51]:
Make fun of him.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:52]:
No, no.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:53]:
This is her whole comedy.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:55]:
All right, here's the thing, Adrienne. Here's what's different between me and you doing that. Here's the difference.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:58]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:59]:
One, you're funny. I'm not. But the idea of. So you're coming at it from a comedic standpoint in a loving, affectionate kind of way. Pastors conference speakers tend to stand in a position of power and then use their spouse as a cheap laugh, putting us in the position of power and. And now demeaning women many times. That's where I'm highly uncomfortable with it. Your comedic routine is hilarious.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:26]:
I love it. Maybe it's just because I like to make fun of Blaine, but the idea of. Who doesn't? The idea of even how it's communicated from stage, from people like me, if we're not very careful. By the way, the other side note on this is same thing with kids. I don't know if, you know, if you notice this lately, but everything is about trashing how difficult it is to be a mom and dad. And it is extremely difficult to be a mom and dad.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:49]:
Toxic mommy culture.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:51]:
But all of that. But even this idea of. It's almost like I can't make it through motherhood or fatherhood without wine, you know, that whole. And you know what's happening now. I don't know if y'all have seen this Birth rates are plummeting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:04]:
No.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:04]:
People are not getting married, and they're not having kids. And I think some of it is the byproduct of what they see being portrayed. And so that's why I think it's so important for us to let people know we're not trying to sucker them into the same mistakes that we have made. It is this idea of life happens, and it's beautiful. I mean, one of the reasons I write about marriage all the time is I want other people to experience what Jenny has given to me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:28]:
Totally.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:28]:
Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:29]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:29]:
And then, no doubt, kids are difficult, but imagine life without them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:34]:
Totally.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:35]:
I can't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:36]:
And how every single moment that we've been, like, through suffering or through a trial, and on the other side, you grow. Right. And you feel good about what happened, even though it was tough to not have a partner with you in. That sounds so much more daunting. Right. In this idea that we've, you know, even as early as yesterday have a scuttle and then. But today we're just that much stronger because we got through it. We learned how to communicate.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:02]:
So now think about the person through the lens of they're listening to culture, they're believing culture. How can we shake them up? How can we change the odds for that marriage that actually thinks, oh, my gosh, that's what a husband looks like. That's what a wife or a marriage looks like. And how do we fix that?
Kevin Thompson [00:12:17]:
Yeah, Well, I mean, I think in Juan, I think we got to begin to highlight stronger marriages for Juan, because you think about it, and part of it I get, if I'm going to put on a marriage conference and your marriage is in really good shape, y'all drink in unison. That's a beautiful thing. That's how in tune y'all are.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:34]:
You have one time to sip. 1, 2, 3.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:36]:
You have one fight, and you get right back on the same page. And now suddenly, you're drinking at the exact same time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:41]:
You know what? I'm going to go clean the fridge.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:45]:
So I do think if I'm going to hold a marriage conference, it makes sense that if y'all are in great shape and you're like, I'm not going to spend $1,000 to go and prove something that's already good. And so you're more likely maybe to attend the conference if things are bad or things are struggling, you need to pick me up in some way, which then makes me more likely to kind of talk about that scenario rather than talking about, how do we Take a pretty good marriage and make it a little bit better. Which means the next time I write something, I might. My stories might be tilted and slanted a little bit more toward the couple who is struggling. Which means the next time I'm talking about that book in which I'm talking about that conference, suddenly the next thing you know, it just becomes a cycle to where I'm dealing most of my time in marriages that are struggling. Now, the great thing about what I get to do is we have a lot of resources for marriage that are struggling. I get to spend my time on marriages that are good. And how do we take a marriage that's an eight and make it a nine? You know, those kind of.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:37]:
That's where it's a lot of fun. But I think that that just feeds into that perception now of what's going on. I also think if we're not very careful, especially think about this. If you assume 75% of all marriages are bad, that means when you're with your friends, you're going to be more hesitant to talk about how your marriage is Good.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:56]:
Yep. Yeah, 100%. And you've even told me that you. You've sat with a lot of men and you're, like, starting to feel guilty about. Because I'm, like, sharing how good it is, and they're all like, well, I don't have that.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:06]:
Yeah, right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:07]:
So the fine line of, like, I do want to inspire that. You know, I think one of our core reasons that we have such a good marriage is honesty, humbleness, communication. And I'm just begging for people to just let the guard down, like, do this together. You both are terrible. Like, it's all good, but at the same time, you're in it together. Get over that hump. Right? But then you're sitting there and saying, you know, oh, man, my marriage is awesome. It's awesome.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:32]:
It's this. It's that even though it's not awesome, every day is an awesome awesome, but we can kind of see the positive in it because we know we're going to get through the hurdle, and it's not, you know. And so then you start to say in bragging about your marriage to somebody that's suffering in their marriage is like, well, what's the point that sends, you know, not for me, I guess.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:51]:
Not encouraging.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:52]:
To Your point of 75%, you think that, well, I must be part of that then. Right? And you just quit. Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:57]:
Like, there's no hope. Like, there's no chance. How long have y'all Been married, I don't know, 13. Wow.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:02]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:02]:
13 years, but together plus six, whatever that means.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:06]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:06]:
She's good at 19. Coming up to 20. Kevin.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:09]:
Wow. How about that? So how. How long? Here's what I love about being married. 13 years, right. So we're at 24, going bragging. What do you do? One day you'll get there. Here's what I love. If Jenny and I have a fight today, right? Is.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:25]:
I know. Without a doubt. Yeah, we'll be fine. There's no uncertainty. There's no. Oh, my goodness, is this going to rock everything, Right? You have one, your first couple years, and you're like, oh, this is serious. How long is it going to last?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:36]:
And all those kind of things.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:38]:
Yeah. And absolutely. And rightly so. But you learn these skills and these traits of how to get through it, and then you also just kind of learn what is the cycle. Every couple actually has a cycle. And one thing we talk about at Change the Odds is how can we take the fight that lasts a week and make it just last a day? How can we take a fight that lasts a day and make it just last a few hours? And so it's not that you're gonna fight less, it's that how can you make those fights as less meaningful and less encompassing of everything that's going on to where you just have this confidence of, we'll work through this. And so that's what I love about 13 years, where y'all 19 years together is y'all are to that place where, you know, you have a fight yesterday and you're like, you didn't call me and cancel the podcast episode. Thinking, what are we gonna do?
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:22]:
We were just humming, huh? Do we just share the who story on here?
Kevin Thompson [00:16:25]:
But it's not quite there yet. Not quite. Almost, man. I kind of want to press now at this moment, if you want to know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:32]:
I think too back to your point about sharing in a group. And the other thing is true. It's like bad marriages or separation can also be contagious. So when you know one's going through something, you kind of just pile on, like, yeah, yeah, my husband does that too. And. Or like, vice versa. So that's something you have to be careful about, too.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:51]:
Oh, yeah. Divorce is contagious.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:52]:
Exactly.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:53]:
Oh, yeah. No, there's no question. And so when a couple is struggling, you're friends with them. It doesn't mean you need to pull back from that friendship. They might need you more. What it does mean is you have to be even more Intentional. To make sure. Then you're seeking out people whose relationship is in a good spot, spending time there, rejuvenating, refreshing.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:11]:
From them. Because all you're doing all day long is going from friend to friend to friend whose marriages are struggling. Your marriage will struggle.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:17]:
Yep.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:18]:
That's the takeaway. That is. The takeaway for someone is if you're hurting or you're in the spot of discouragement or whatever, go and seek out a couple that you're like, wow, they got it together. But make sure they're honest as well in their communication and mentorship. You know, essentially, it's just like, how do you guys get through that fight? Because deep down, you want to have a beautiful marriage. You do. Everybody does. Why? What else doing here?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:39]:
Yeah, right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:40]:
But how can we get over that?
Kevin Thompson [00:17:41]:
No, Exactly.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:42]:
Good.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:42]:
All right, number two. Are you ready?
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:43]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:44]:
Here we go. The fight for attention will continue to be the greatest threat to marriage in 2025. The issue. I called it the issue of 2024. I'm doubling down on 2025. I don't think it's gotten any better. I think it's gotten worse. It is this idea of there are avenues coming at us from every direction vying for our attention, and anytime those avenues win, the loser will always be those that love us the most and that we love the most.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:18]:
And so you think about right now. I mean, where we're sitting right now, right? Within two hours, there's five or six of the largest companies in the world spending billions of dollars, trillions of dollars maybe. I don't even know the difference between the two billions of dollars trying to figure out what's the algorithm to get blamed to give us his eyes so that we can sell to him. But not only that, then we can say, here's we got Blaine's eyes, and we can sell it to this other company. And so now we make money twice. And if they get Blaine's eyes, who loses them? Well, Adrienne is not spending billions of dollars.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:56]:
I think Blaine, he's blind.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:58]:
He gives them away. This eye is not so good at vision anymore, so.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:02]:
Yeah, so I think the issue of attention is the issue of the day, and I don't see that backing down any in 2025. I think it's going to only increase, especially with AI.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:14]:
Yeah, I don't know. Okay, good point. Anytime she put that in, that makes sense. But anyway. Or how about when we're lying in bed at night and you're scrolling your thing, we're hanging out in quotations, right? So it's like we're sitting beside each other, but we're both just doing our own thing. Haven't spoken to each other. We're not connecting. And then there'll be a moment where I'm like, I'm done with scrolling.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:41]:
Right. Or whatever the thing is. And then I'll look over to her and I'll be like, what are you doing? Why are you just scrolling? Why don't you.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:47]:
And it's the moment you're done.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:49]:
Literally realize he's been doing it the whole.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:51]:
Literally the moment you're done, you judge her. So I love it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:54]:
So easy to cast the stones. Right? But that's. That's not hanging out. That's not. You don't have my attention. Vice versa. Right?
Kevin Thompson [00:20:03]:
So.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:03]:
But it is. It's interesting how quickly I'm just trying to think now. Like, how much time do we truly spend locked in to each other? Or how much do we need to spend? Like, what's healthy? What? Tell us, Kevin.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:17]:
Yeah, help us. Help us now. No, I think. I think it's ironically, I think it's actually far less than we think. So whenever I talk about this issue of attention, people immediately think, oh, my goodness, here's what he's going to ask of us. It's three hours of everything else is turned off and we're locked in, into conversation. We're gazing into each other's eyes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:37]:
Yes. This is Tuesday for us.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:39]:
Yes. But I don't think it really is that. No, but here's a question. At what point today will you have each other's undivided attention? Is there a pattern to that? Is there a rhythm to that? And then secondly, is there a way that if you need the other, you can very clearly communicate? So think about this. Change the odds. We have this assessment. We talk about it all the time. It's 30 questions.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:03]:
Give you a score. Friend, partner, lover, score, all those kinds of things. Question number one. It's actually not a question, it's a statement. Statement number one in which you score from one to five is, I regularly have my spouse's attention, and I can easily get it when I need it. So I regularly have my spouse's attention. That's not a very high bar because it's just saying there's a pattern to it. It might be.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:27]:
I'm not gonna have it for a week, but I know it's coming. But there is this rhythm that we live in where I know there is gonna be a time in which Jenny and I are gonna get to Have a conversation without any distractions whatsoever. There's a rhythm and a pattern to that. So that's step number one. And then the second part of that is. And I can easily get it when I need it, which means there's a way I can communicate to Jenny that she knows Kevin's in need. I'm gonna drop everything, and he, for at least a second, is gonna have the full resources of my attention on his situation. If I need to leverage myself in that way, I can.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:06]:
So that's the pattern. Now get this. We've had thousands of people take this assessment. People go to change the odds right now and take the assessment. Changee.com Thousands of people have taken it. 84% of the people who answer that question cannot say yes. 5. That's an absolute truth.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:25]:
Wow. Oh, wow.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:27]:
84%.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:28]:
Oh.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:28]:
Will say no. That I don't regularly have my spouse's attention and. Or I can't easily get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:36]:
Oh, no.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:36]:
When I need it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:37]:
Oh, okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:38]:
And now we wonder why some marriages struggle.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:41]:
For sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:42]:
Because what chance do you have to know each other, to feel known, to feel valued, to feel loved. And let's face it, technology is going to be the biggest issue.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:52]:
And then to double down when you finally do get it, it's such a buildup and frustration that it's a fight.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:57]:
The expectation.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:58]:
That's the time that it hits. Yeah. And as you're talking about it, for us to be authentic, I'm like, the morning. No. The kids wake up. We do the thing. It's stressed. It's da, da, da, da.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:08]:
But it's not that we need the attention because to your point, we know eventually it's coming. Right. And if we wanted to get it, we can get it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:16]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:17]:
Right. And it's like we treat our marriage. Yes. You know, God, marriage and kids. So it's like, we're not. We love our kids. Oh, my gosh. We love our kids.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:25]:
But we're buddies. Right. Number one is us.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:27]:
We want to hang out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:28]:
Yeah. And so that's interesting to see where that might be, though, because I don't. It can't. Like, we don't have a set time.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:36]:
No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:36]:
But we do prioritize. Like, if your day off is usually Friday, like, we'll go for breakfast. Or we try to hang out Friday mornings. And now that all our kids are in school Friday mornings, it's even more focused. Yeah. Or. Or, you know, sometimes you do schedule it as like, hey, this weekend is our date weekend. Or we know we're getting Away together or something like that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:02]:
But, yeah, during the day, it is hard, but I could. I know I could call him and be like, hey, this is really bothering me or something.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:08]:
One time, though, she. She never texts call me. She has never texted that. And then she texted me this one time. I'm like, oh, no.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:15]:
Oh, nine, one, one.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:16]:
And I get a meeting.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:17]:
I'm out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:17]:
I'm like, oh, no, I am out.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:19]:
You're driving home, calling her.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:22]:
And she's like, so anyway, like, nothing. It was nothing. I was like, oh. But it made me think of that now because I'm like, if you wanted to. And you said with some tone or some sort of version of that is like, yeah, I need you, I would just go, yeah. So that made me feel better.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:38]:
So, I mean, I think a few things on that. Again, people hear this and they think, three hours. How can I set that apart? I don't think it's that at all. I think it is now sneaking time in very small ways in which we are connecting just in a meaningful way. So I think about age of your kids. Eight, six, and what?
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:55]:
Three?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:55]:
Eight, six and three. All right, y'all can't do this yet. This does not exist for you all. But this day's coming. What Jenny and I have basically found is, so, first of all, we train ourselves that we go to bed together. And so that then gets us five to 10 minutes in which we're both awake and we're going to sleep. And so there's this moment of connection. Whether we're talking or not doesn't matter so much.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:19]:
But we're together, and that's a space that you can actually communicate. Well, the same thing of a morning is as. And again, this is not a mandate. This is not. You have to do this to be happily married. This is just a life stage of where we are at. We are also in the habit. Then as one of us wakes up, we tend to wake up around the same time.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:38]:
Jenny gets out of bed much faster than I do. But we tend to wake up around the same amount of time. So then that gives us five minutes right there. And just five minutes of, hey, what's going on? What do you got today? What do you need? How can I help you? What's going on? Those kind of things. Just five minutes to begin the day, five minutes to end the day. Think about those 10 minutes. If you generally can do that every day. 10 minutes a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, over 20, 30, 40, 50 years.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:10]:
Think about the amount of time that Jenny and I are actually going to have together that really has cost us nothing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:17]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:17]:
And it is really that idea of. It's the little minutes here and there that create this deep connection. It doesn't take much to feel connected. You just need to be seen. Know that you're loved, know that you're valued. I think one thing that couples can do a much better job of. And again, three little kids, it's difficult. But as you're leaving the house, we do not leave the house without going and kissing the other and saying goodbye.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:43]:
And where that actually came from, I think. I don't think that was an intentional marriage thing as much as it was when the kids were little. That was the official tag. You're it. I mean, it really was the communication of, hey, you need to know I'm gone here. Because you got to be aware of where the kids are because we're both here. You don't have to do that. But if one of us is gone, you need to know.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:02]:
And so I think that habit, I mean, I did it this morning, I'm walking out the door, right? And she's kind of telling me some things that are going on. She was already at work and telling me some things going on at work. I told her very quickly what my day looks like. Right. So I'm here with you guys. I'm working with you guys. I'm working for a few hours with Mark Clark this afternoon. You know, very, very, very serious work.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:24]:
And then we have a men's event.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:26]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:26]:
All right. So that my day is full. And now she knows exactly what my day looks like. I kissed her on the forehead and I walked out the door. That a moment of connection.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:34]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:35]:
So I think this issue of attention, we think is this. Oh, time consuming, hours upon hours. But what are the ways that you can begin to steal? I don't know if y'all have heard this before, but I think it's Gottman who talks about the 30 second hug and the eight second kiss. Right, Go on. So the idea, think about whenever we hug, we tend to just kind of hug for maybe 10 seconds.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:01]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:02]:
And that's good. It's connection. But if you will extend that out farther, what happens is your body actually begins to relax. And now oxytocin gets to be released. Dr. Barb Wilson's on here all the time talking about this. And now you feel this sense of connection. And it's only cost you 20 to 30 more seconds a kiss.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:25]:
All right. Kiss on the forehead's fine. It's actually a sign of trust. Right. But there is a place of a longer kiss that now is going to be now. This passionate connection that is taking place. And think about those two little things. I've just given you an assignment that lasts less than a minute.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:42]:
And yet if you do that every day, suddenly whenever that question of attention comes up, you can begin to go, oh, yeah, yeah. No, we're five.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:49]:
Totally. And who knows where the eight second kiss goes.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:52]:
The eight second kiss. Yes. Yes. Suddenly it's cost you now three more minutes. Exactly.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:58]:
Classic.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:59]:
You don't know what to say right now.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:02]:
Anytime we get Adrienne silence something. Because she has things.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:06]:
She has many things.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:08]:
She's just trying to figure out. She's. The freedom. Yeah. What's the freedom here? We'll figure that out over time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:13]:
But if we had Barb on, it's. It's gone.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:16]:
Which we should do.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:17]:
We should do that well. 100%. There is no question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:20]:
Love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:21]:
So how do you see this play out in Yalls relationship? What are some ways that y'all do well? In some spaces it sounds like attention. What are some ways that you can improve?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:28]:
I think when you explain it, it's like, oh, it's just like checking in in the morning. We definitely. Dude, I'll be like, what's your day like today? My day's always the same because I stay home with the kids. So he knows. But. And we don't necessarily kiss, but we do hug, I think.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:43]:
Every morning.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:44]:
Not every morning, but you'll come down, give me a big hug?
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:47]:
Yeah, there's some kisses once.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:49]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:49]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:50]:
It's interesting. It might be. Yeah. But yeah, a hug, a touch, you know, I say goodbye. We do that actually with our whole family every single morning. We do it at school. Like when we drop the kids off, they come in for a hug every single time. Right? Yeah, it's nice, you know? Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:08]:
I think there's, you know, there's a whole deeper thing of when we moved here, of our children, which we should get into at some point where, like the connection to them and the stress and the anxiety of making a big move. We did. We saw a lot of things in our kids. That is interesting now. But I'm thinking about those hugs because they lasted a lot longer when we first moved down before they go to school every single day. Right. But yeah, I think the attention part is good. I think it's something that we feel comfortable with, that if we needed it, it's there.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:40]:
Right. We communicate on a different level now. After kind of going through a season of these are my needs. Well, I don't want to do that. And this tension between that to now, it's like, no, I recognize those are your needs, but this is my expectation. Well, that's not a fair expectation. Let's meet in the middle. So a lot of those things happened along the way where we get met in between.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:01]:
Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:01]:
But you didn't really answer his question.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:02]:
What was the question?
Kevin Thompson [00:31:03]:
Even better.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:04]:
Yeah. So in the morning, we do a hug. We do a check in back to that. And then at night, we also go to bed if he's not, like, working late or whatever, and we maybe, like, scroll for a bit, and then we usually watch a show together.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:18]:
Oh, there you go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:19]:
And then I fall asleep within three minutes, and he stays up too late.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:22]:
Then he can do whatever.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:23]:
Yeah, but I'm thinking about our Friday mornings. Cause that wasn't a thing until you communicated that, like, I need time with you.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:29]:
Blank.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:30]:
Like, I need time. Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:31]:
Because usually he'd be golfing, Kevin.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:33]:
Oh, well, no, that's work.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:35]:
Yeah, that was work.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:36]:
Not on your day off.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:37]:
Yeah, well.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:38]:
Well, it could be.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:40]:
Thank you, Kevin.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:42]:
I guess. Whatever.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:43]:
Then here's the fun part was. It was actually fun. It was fun to go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:47]:
Oh, you're surprised?
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:48]:
Yeah, I was.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:49]:
Noticed the word actually there.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:51]:
I did. It was very loud.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:53]:
Like, I put my work boots on. I was gonna go hang out, but we went to the golf course, and we started making some funny videos, and we kind of brought our. Both of our passions together in a fun way. And then suddenly we had a great time doing something that we both were excited to go and do.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:07]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:07]:
And then watch the other one flourish. And that is even better. It's the bonus. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:11]:
I think when you have a purpose or a goal as a couple, that's huge, because then life's fun. It's like, oh, let's go do this together. Like, I see him as a teammate, you know, along with all the other.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:23]:
What's another way to describe that? Adrienne. Teammate, Partner. Yeah, there we go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:26]:
There we go.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:28]:
Very well.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:28]:
Read that chapter.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:29]:
Ye. Wow. We got some work to do on this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:32]:
I just kept going, lover, lover. Read this part.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:35]:
She really pushed lover on me.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:38]:
No, absolutely. And here's the thing. Partnership, to me, is the most surprising aspect of marriage. Because if you would have told me whenever we first got married, hey, the role is friend, partner, and lover. Right. I'd be like, all right, man. Friendship, Great love, man. We have a great friendship.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:53]:
Obviously, intimacy is going to Be very important partnership. Wow. Pay the bills. Okay, that sounds really exciting. But all right. Pay the bills is important. Raising the kids is important. All that.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:05]:
But if you think about almost like a Maslow's hierarchy kind of concept, once you get those bottom parts of the pyramid done, what is true partnership about? It's about being on the same team, having similar goals, accomplishing things that we could never accomplish by ourselves. Right. Good partnership. We always talk about our strengths are multiplied and our weaknesses are divided. And ultimately it's about making each other's dream. Well, suddenly that's a radically different discussion whenever it comes to partnership. And I would say for me and Jenny that what's been the most surprising for me is how much fun the partnership has been. The friendship and the intimacy has been fun too.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:42]:
But the partnership's great as well. And so her business is going, how can I help you? What's going on? Obviously she helps me. Ministry wise and writing wise and everything else. And how can we make each other's dreams come true? And even so, for Jenny and I, the attention thing, I've talked about this all the time. For Jenny and I, the intention thing is it's a walk. That's what it is for us. That's our best way to connect. If the weather's good enough, we'll take a walk probably five days a week.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:09]:
Unless it's just a crazy time. And sometimes it is. But on the walk, that's where not only can you process the day to day activities, no doubt, but you can then press beyond that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:20]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:21]:
And even, even this weekend we were taking a walk and I'm like, hey, you know, I was thinking about and, and literally I'm thinking about 20 years from now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:27]:
Sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:28]:
And hey, what do you think about this? And if that's what we want, well, what are the choices we can be making right now that will lead to that, to make it easy? And that's where partnership is. That's what being a teammate really is. And what's it like to go through life where you have, you actually have somebody who has your back.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:44]:
Totally.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:44]:
And that I think that's the fun part. But if you don't have that attention.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:48]:
Totally.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:49]:
You can't have that.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:49]:
It can't happen. I mean, think about, think about if we. All right, so we're co workers, we have a partnership. Right. And so, but think about if we never spent any time together whatsoever talking about the ministry that we want to lead and people that are involved and how we're going to direct it, how we're going to go, right? We just start living these parallel lives that would in no way be aligned. Well, we would. We would never do that in business ever. And yet we do it in marriage.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:15]:
Totally. Totally.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:17]:
It makes no sense whatsoever.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:18]:
One of the things that we get really excited about is like, what is your kingdom identity? What were you designed to be? And there's no doubt about it that God knew that this marriage would happen. So as he designed us, I also too believe that he designed us as a couple. And what is this mission and what are your giftings and what are your abilities to move forward through this season? And then to your point of like, the kids one day will be gone out of the house. You guys are getting close there, right? We're a ways away. But I get very excited about that now because we're on mission for some great big things. And it's like I want to do with my buddy. Right. I want to, you know, and cooling on the buddy.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:57]:
But yes, little buddy.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:01]:
It's like the Skipper and Gilligan.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:05]:
Come on, little guy. But yes, buddy.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:09]:
Next year. Hey, next year, Halloween. That's what I want. The Skipper and Gilligan. Nobody would get it because it's too old of a reference.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:16]:
Yeah, true. I didn't quite.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:19]:
Gilligan's Island.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:20]:
Oh, Gilligan's Island.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:20]:
Yeah. Popeye. Wow. You're. You're such a Canadian.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:23]:
That's why I went and did this and this.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:27]:
Such a Canadian.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:28]:
Yeah. Anyway, I think it would be neat to see and discover with couples like, what are you designed to do so that you can be going off on a mission once the kids are. Even when the kids are there. But once the kids are gone, you're just. You just continue to grow in your marriage. Right. Because there's a purpose into this marriage, and it's a team that you've created.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:46]:
Yeah. And I can speak into yalls future a little bit. I don't know if we'll ever be truly empty nest because we don't know where Ella will land. Right. But she's at college right now and Silas is driving. And, man, it's good. I mean, it is really good to be able to spend time with each other, to go home and to recognize, man, she's gonna be there and nobody else is. And how great.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:10]:
I love my kids. Love them, Love them. Love them at home. Love them when they're not at home. Love them both ways. Right. And so, yeah, it's a tremendous thing. All right, so that's two things.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:20]:
That's two of the five trends for 2025, but the next three are going to come in the second episode. But here's what people can take away from this one. First of all, if you have a good marriage, don't be ashamed of it. Talk about it. People need the example of good marriages that are out there. And then secondly, really fix it. No matter where you are, fixate on this issue of attention in 2025. Find small ways to increase your level of attention, and the payoffs will be amazing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:49]:
I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:49]:
That's the takeaway.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:50]:
I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:50]:
Y'all coming back for the next three?
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:52]:
Let's go.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:52]:
All right, we'll see you the next time.