Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey, welcome back to change the odds of podcast, where marriage and family were never meant to be. A game of chance. Blaine and Adrienne. Here we are.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:06]:
What's up?
Kevin Thompson [00:00:07]:
It's a good day so far. Oh, off to a good start. Kids are in school. We're good.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:11]:
Yeah, I brought them. She had time to get ready and get all.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:14]:
Well, look at you. Here's what I love about dads. I brought. Look. Hey, give me credit.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:19]:
Hey.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:20]:
Things a mom would never say. A mom would never be like, you know what I did today? I took the kids to school. How about me? Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:26]:
I'm looking. Me go.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:27]:
But a dad. Dad's like, celebrate me.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:29]:
The biggest thing he did today, he'll.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:33]:
Milk that for hours.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:35]:
Thank you.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:35]:
All right. But it was nice. All right, we're talking about differences today. Blaine and Adrienne, two of you. Different. Similar. What would you say? What would you say generally about the two of you? So some couples are radically different. Some couples are.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:51]:
I mean, they end up growing to look alike. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:54]:
Where are you all say we're a healthy middle.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:57]:
Yeah. I say we blend together a lot of the things over time. I think our upbringings would have been somewhat different.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:04]:
Oh, I was gonna say similar.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:05]:
Very similar is what I said. There's already our first. But. Yeah, similar to some degree. But then also. Excuse me. I had a lot of experience moving away early in hockey, so my eyes were open to the world. You would have been a little bit more conservative homebody.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:22]:
And I think there was a lot of differences when we started, after we got married, we kind of noticed some of those differences. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:29]:
So one of the differences with Jenny and I that to this day exist, that is so insignificant, and yet, literally sometimes she looks at me and is like, why in the world did I marry you? In Jenny's family, there was very specific food and drink pairings, almost like a wine pairing, but for a Baptist family that didn't drink. So I'm at her house. We were dating. Like, mom makes cookies or brownies? Either one. I don't care. Cookies or brownies. The milk comes out. I grab my Coke, and I'm eating the cookie or brownie while drinking a Coke and a lot of sugar.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:03]:
I almost got kicked out at that moment. And to this day, Jenny has this unspoken judgment of me because I will drink something other than milk, and it's ridiculous.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:13]:
Yeah. I would be on team Jenny in this scenario.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:16]:
He actually. His family did the same thing. He'll still have a glass of milk. What adult drinks a glass of milk?
Kevin Thompson [00:02:22]:
No, I don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:23]:
Okay, so that's what we're gonna defend. Milk and cookie. I mean, coke and cookie.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:29]:
How can we not?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:30]:
What are you drinking right now at this bright early morning?
Kevin Thompson [00:02:33]:
I see nothing wrong.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:34]:
Oh, so there's a bit of an addiction problem here, I think is really the issue.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:39]:
This is socially acceptable.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:40]:
So today on Change the Odds, we're.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:42]:
Talking about health and wellness.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:46]:
Okay, so I talk about In Friends, partners and lovers. It's a book. This idea that a strong marriage now is built on these unifying similarities. But then respect the differences. And actually what many couples believe are their greatest danger, their greatest threat, or these differences is actually something God has put in place for our own protection and well being. And to the extent that you and I can respect differences, there's actually this ability to expand and grow. The more different a couple is, as long as those differences are respected and loved. Actually, the stronger the couple is, the more similar they are.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:31]:
They're actually in a little bit more danger. I almost see it like a triangle. So the unifying similarities are the top right. And so the wider the differences are. Actually, the wider the base becomes, the harder the triangle is to knock over. But there's also tension on those similarities. The wider it goes out. Whenever you're alike, it's like you're a very tall triangle that can be toppled somewhat easy.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:56]:
So today on the show, we want to talk about. Let's just begin with just a few similarities that we think are important to be unified underneath. And then let's talk about how do we handle differences? What does that actually look like? So for y'all, what are some things that. Man, these are the unifiers for us in our relationship.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:14]:
I mean, my first thought was about the triangle and how I think we do have a fairly wide base because I am this positive outlook, nothing could go wrong type of person.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:26]:
You're glass half.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:26]:
So let's just go for it. But then at the same time, she would be this, as she calls herself a realist. Cause I am pessimistic person.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:35]:
No, very real.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:37]:
Very real. Humbles me, brings me down, roots me into a bit of more of a foundation. But then I bring her back up. And then she brings me not down. I bring you up, you bring me down.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:51]:
Yes. And that is marriage.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:55]:
But that is, I think what we're coming down.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:57]:
We balance each other out and then we challenge. Yeah, like he challenges me, like, hey, what if it works out? And then I'll be like, did you think about this? Because that could be a Problem.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:08]:
And I will say no, I didn't at the point.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:10]:
So I think that difference unifies us.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:12]:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But what would be some things that. The similarities that you'll have, that these are the things that we share. We're on the exact same page.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:21]:
Regarding this, I would say growth. This desire to learn, this desire to discover Jesus closer. And that probably has been the coolest, most unifying moments of our marriage, is when we're both in that stream of desiring to learn more like this podcast, really, we enjoy this idea that we get to ask the questions that we think a lot of people would probably ask. We consider ourselves regular Joes that would ask these questions, and we're getting to learn. We love this. Right? We love this. I think back to one of the moments when we moved away, we had to rely on Jesus, and I think we both did. And that unified our relationship with him.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:02]:
But also, kind of through that tough season, we got unified because we wanted to fight for this marriage, wanted to fight to have a good marriage. So I think if that answers it.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:14]:
Yeah. What do you think, Adrienne?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:16]:
I think we both love experiences, so that's like something we have in common that brings us together.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:25]:
People, relationships.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:26]:
Yeah. Like, we have calm, we have common interests. Is that the question?
Kevin Thompson [00:06:31]:
So I think yes, but I think there's two ways to look at these similarities. There are things that we naturally are similar about, and just our personalities are the same. So that's one thing, those just natural similarities. But then I also think there are these things that we have made a conscious decision to be on the same page about. So you talk about faith. Faith is an element of that. Unifying similarities. I think a couple has to have.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:57]:
You talk about growth. That is a choice you have to make that we both are going to grow in this marriage, grow individually, grow together as a couple. I think the concept, let's face it, your marriage would not work very well if one of you was extremely devoted to the kids and the other one was not. If one of you had a high ethical standard and the other one did not. These are the things that we have to share. So common work ethic, common values, shared outcome and ideals of where we want to go, of what marriage actually means to us. Those are the things I think we have to have in common. And whenever we don't, then the relationship has hardly any foundation.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:40]:
That's good. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:41]:
Then there are these natural similarities that just happen to occur. They don't have to be there. They just. In our mixture of relationship, there's going to be things with. If you're in a relationship with anybody, there are going to be things that you share in common and things that you don't share in common. Those areas tend to be pretty easy in our marriage, in our relationship, it allows us to. We can have fun in those ways because we share those values that are there, but they're not morally imperative to share those things.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:11]:
She doesn't have to love golf for us to success.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:14]:
Not at all. And yet if she does, there's benefits of that, whereas some downsides.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:21]:
Yeah, there is explicits.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:24]:
It means she gets the advantage of it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:25]:
Where would I talk about her?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:28]:
Do we all see what's happening here, ladies?
Kevin Thompson [00:08:32]:
So as long as the big unifying similarities of choice about marriage are the same, then that opens up the strike zone. It widens the strike zone, to use a sports metaphor, of things that we can differ about that actually, the differences, rather than being points of contention now become points of opportunity. Because one thing I say in FPL is where respect is present, your strengths are multiplied and your weaknesses are divided. So let's face it, if Jenny is strong in her area and I'm weak in the area, I'm really not that weak in it because she's going to take care of it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:13]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:13]:
And vice versa, if I'm strong in an area, she's weak in the area, that weakness, when she's on her own can be exposed and exploited. Now that we're together. Yeah, she just does it. Do you know that social scientists have proven that you actually use your spouse's brain like an external hard drive? If you know your spouse is going to remember something, it's like you've stored it over there. And literally your brain does not necessarily store that information. And so I know when my grandmother died, my grandfather had no idea when my birthday was. He had no clue why she remembered it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:51]:
She got it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:51]:
He didn't need to.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:52]:
He didn't have to. And what's interesting is, think about this. When a marriage is unhealthy, that can become a real point of contention.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:00]:
Why don't you remember anything?
Kevin Thompson [00:10:01]:
Why don't you remember? Why don't you care? Now, if it gets too much on one person, that can be unhealthy as well. But if both of you, in a reciprocal kind of way are operating in that format, then that gift that God has given us, we only have so much information in our heads, right?
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:19]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:19]:
And then to begin to figure out, man, she stores that and I store that, and it's now this tremendous gift to the relationship that in a healthy relationship, they value. In an unhealthy relationship, that's actually what causes the fight.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:33]:
Right. Which now makes me kind of start to wonder about, as you get raised in a family and the expectations of, let's say, seeing your parents do certain things and having this idea and developing the things that, yes, you're good at, but then having the expectations that they're going to fill the need. And you, like, assume she's your mom a little bit at times, but she isn't. But to discover her best given attributes and communicate that and fill that hole, it's suddenly, I'm just now thinking about all the things.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:03]:
All the laundry I do.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:04]:
Yeah, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:07]:
How many times have you done your own laundry? Twice in 13 years on a golf trip because you only brought one pair of underwear and you had to rewash it in the shower.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:17]:
She didn't pack my bag.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:18]:
What happened here?
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:19]:
I have to clean my cloth. But that is. It is literally assumed in my brain. I don't spend any time thinking about the laundry. I think about putting it in the bin. Now, in terms of our relationship, you wouldn't necessarily spend any time banking and doing the things other than, oh, credit cards. Maxed out. There's a notification.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:41]:
That's all she. Oh, okay, I'll slow down.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:44]:
Yeah, yeah. Jenny came through the living room last week on my day off, Jenny came through the living room and she goes, hey, what are you doing? I said, I'm doing our taxes. She goes, oh, that's a shame. Gone. Kept on walking.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:55]:
Oh, you're busy.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:56]:
All right, I guess she went to go make dinner, though.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:59]:
Oh. Oh. The scale here is not. I'm not pretending it's anywhere equal. Right. That was, like, the one example. That was the one day I had something. I was like, yes, it's actually mine.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:12]:
All right, so we have these unifying similarities. Same outcome, work ethic, engagement, core values, commitment to growth. Once those are present. All right, let's start talking about some of the differences that if we don't recognize they are differences that are there for our benefit, we literally can begin to turn those into points of contention, frustration. So John Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He talks about this idea of problems being in two categories, resolvable and unresolvable. And so resolvable problems are there really? Is this definite right or wrong? You need to figure out how to make the right decision. Now, we tend to get those wrong in that we assume I'm 100% right.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:56]:
She's 100% wrong. When we disagree, a lot of times that's not necessarily the case, but there is a right or wrong. And then there are these unresolvable issues. These are not issues of there's a right way. These are issues of we disagree because we have different backgrounds, different perspectives, different understandings. There's not a morally right way to load a dishwasher. Right. So there is this idea of I load it for speed.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:22]:
As quickly as you can get stuff in there, run it as many times you possibly can. A dishwasher uses less water than if you do it in the sink. Like, just get it done. Jenny is meticulous. How full can we actually get this dishwasher to be?
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:35]:
That way?
Kevin Thompson [00:13:35]:
You only have to run it one time. All right. Where do y'all fall on that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:38]:
I love a good, efficient dishwasher. Gotta jam it up. You know, she.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:43]:
I am too.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:45]:
Oh, yeah. I'm not saying you're not, but you. But I'm also a soaker. This is where the tension lies. I put the dishes in the dishwasher for a good 15 to five hours. In the sink. Sorry. In the sink.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:58]:
Oh, in the sink.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:00]:
No talk.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:01]:
This is a point.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:02]:
Let him know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:03]:
Tension.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:03]:
Talk about it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:04]:
He'll just. He's like, the dishes need to soak and leave them in the sink out of laziness.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:09]:
Do you feel that sometimes he's using the idea of soaking as a way to get out of the actual work? That's before. Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:15]:
Good argument there, for sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:17]:
Okay. Yeah, I see that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:18]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:18]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:19]:
So that's a difference.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:20]:
Yeah. Noel, that's something.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:24]:
Because who would have washed the dishes for you prior to our marriage?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:29]:
I don't know. They were just done.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:30]:
Exactly.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:31]:
Wow. Wow.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:32]:
Magic Mommy did.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:37]:
So after y'all left the house the other night.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:39]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:41]:
So after I get done. Finished cleaning the kitchen, I told Jenny. I said, so you kind of implied that I never do the dishes. And she's like, no, I didn't. I was just joking around. I'm like, you kind of implied I only do it when somebody's over. And she's. So I just wanted to clarify for y'all that I do the dishes all the time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:58]:
Oh, you do?
Kevin Thompson [00:14:59]:
Oh, God.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:00]:
We weren't sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:01]:
It is a normal activity at my house. All right, so what are some differences between the two of you? Let's begin to look at this differences that we need to appreciate. The obvious first one that I think we tend to take for granted is there is a gender difference. Male and Female. God designed marriage for this way, for a very specific purpose. And what I love about that is not only does that difference exist, exist, I think that difference then is in some ways symbolic of all the other differences that are going to be present and how to handle them. So the idea of male and female now is this beautiful complementary kind of concept where these differences are supposed to be leveraged for the strength of one another. So from a biblical standpoint, we get in a little bit of trouble here.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:51]:
Remember Genesis text, Adam's been created by God. God says, it's not good for man to be alone. He says, I will create a helper fit for him. And so in the English language there, we run into a little bit of trouble because then Eve is seen as the helper, which can kind of sound like, oh, daddy's little helper, she was made for him. Yes. And you don't have these real strengths. I'll let you be a part of what I'm doing, even though I'm going to take care of it. But that's not the meaning of the text at all.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:21]:
As a matter of fact, that word that's used, helper, there, the other places in the Bible that it's used is primarily referring to the Holy Spirit. And the concept actually is that Eve is going to have strengths that Adam does not have. And so instead of a helper being one who comes alongside playing a minor role that almost the strong person is having to bend down to to make them feel like they're apart, instead, the image you somewhat get there is coming up underneath and lifting that person up whenever they are weak. Like almost kind of a Moses picture of has to hold the arms up, and now she can help support the arms in some way. So it's a much more stronger concept. So the image that we get of Adam and Eve is Adam's going to have some strengths where Eve is weak. Weave. Eve is going to have some strengths where Adam is weak.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:17]:
And they leverage those together. And now they're stronger together than they actually would be apart. And so in the. In the male, female concept, we have this idea of there are differences innate to us. And God wanted those differences there on purpose. Now, here's what we have. We have culture that is saying, well, gender doesn't exist. Just throw it away.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:40]:
But then we have the church now trying to define gender in ways that the Bible never does. That is nothing more than a patriarchal kind of cultural expectation of 100, 200, 300 years ago, which in no way is biblical then. So I Feel like people like me and you are kind of sitting here in between going, neither of these feel right. And there's a reason for that. Neither one are right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:03]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:03]:
Right. So let's hit first on this idea against the concept that gender doesn't exist. Here's how I know we know that that isn't right. First of all, you have a child. You see the chromosome test. There's a difference there. Right. But I just think we feel and sense this difference.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:21]:
Think about this. If you get home tonight and you get to sleep, and about an hour in, there is a loud shattering of glass. And in that moment, after you kind of realize what's going on, if Blaine turns to you, Adrienne, and says, you gonna go take care of that? We all know that's not right. I mean, nobody would look at that and go, well, of course. Why can't Adrienne be the first one to go seek out the danger in order to protect her family? And let's face it, there are few things more scary and more dangerous than a mom protecting her family.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:57]:
Yeah, Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:57]:
Fierce. Matter of fact, one of the references in the Bible, that is an image of God being female. It's a metaphor. It compares God now to a mama bear robbed of her cubs.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:10]:
Oh, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:11]:
Okay. So it's no concept here of weakness within women by any means, but it is this expectation that a man is supposed to risk his life for his family first. And what's interesting is, I think all of culture would recognize that at the same time, we say, ah, gender doesn't really exist.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:30]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:31]:
And so we feel this sense of male and femaleness is just innate in who we are. I mean, I was reading a thing yesterday to recognize how heart attack expresses itself so much differently in women than it does in men. So, I mean, there's a. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:46]:
Like, symptoms are different. Like, women can have back pain and. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:51]:
Oh, absolutely. So a man is typically. Right. It's the left arm. It's the tightness of the chest. With women, it rarely is that. It's much more indigestion, much more back pain. Jaw pain is one of those things.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:05]:
So we have to learn to recognize the symptoms. Right. In the different genders? Well, there's a scientific kind of concept of differences, and yet culture wants to throw that away. We can't go that direction. But I kind of have compassion on that, because whenever I look at what the church has done, where the church promotes this idea of, all right, what gender is, is a man supposed to take care of the money and go out and earn everything. And woman's supposed to stay home and take care of the kids. And that dichotomy that is much more patriarchal America, 1950s, than it is in any way Scriptural Proverbs 31. This is a successful businesswoman lifted up as the ideal woman.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:46]:
Right. And so we have to begin to understand there are differences and to lean into those without now defining those as cultural concepts instead of what the Bible has to actually say. What does that feel like for y'all, man and woman in a marriage?
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:02]:
Yeah, I feel like I'm supposed to let you talk first. What do you think?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:10]:
I don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:11]:
Okay, well, then I'll go. I think it kind of starts to provoke this idea of not saying that if any man thinks that he is more superior than any woman is just insecure a little bit. You know, like, this idea that the best that I've ever been is when she's at her best, and that's also me helping her be her best, and then she helps me be my best. So if we're in this world of insecurity, then yeah, no, no, no. You can't be too big, because I have to be big, because I'm worried that I'll lose control of this. This thing that I've created, man. Right. And it's like, when I am at my best, I'm very in tune with what God designed me to do.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:58]:
And I know he designed her to do something beautiful, too. So why wouldn't I want to discover that it jumps away from gender differences a little bit more than just this identity in Jesus. But at the same time, that's kind of where my mind went first, more so than, like, the, you know, the heart attack thing. I don't understand. I'm just a simple guy, like, you know. But at the same time, you understand how women feel, and you also understand the dyadic thinking of the other person. You understand how guys think a lot, too. So, you know, I'm trying to provoke some ideas here for you, but it seems like you're.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:36]:
I'm stuck in my thoughts. I don't really know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:39]:
Yeah, give us some ideas.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:40]:
Well, I mean, I think some concepts. So whenever it comes to gender, we. If we're not very careful, we can either think there's no differences, or we think the differences are way out here, very extreme. But in reality, it looks kind of more like this, that what we share as human beings is much more in common. But then there are these kind of outlier aspects. So it's almost like, the 10% of how we think, feel, and act are now much more gender specific. Right. And then there are some things.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:11]:
Let's face it, there are some traits that are more feminine, more masculine, that a more feminine trait. Some guys do actually have a more masculine trait. Some women do actually have. And that's not. It is a gender stereotype and even some gender realities. But again, it falls on a spectrum as far as that goes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:30]:
Like, I would say Blaine is typically the more emotional one than I am. He'll cry sooner than I will, which usually stereotypically, it'd be like, the female is more emotional, where I tend to get, like, angry quicker than crying. But he'll feel things and he'll, like, you know, share stuff. And he'll be crying and I'll be like, cool. Yeah, we're crying now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:55]:
Truthfully, one of the difficulties of this is I don't think that we are very. I'm a man, I'm manly. I would go and protect the house.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:04]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:05]:
I wouldn't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:05]:
There would be a lot of those things.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:07]:
I'm staying in bed. You figure it out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:09]:
But, like, she gets along a lot of the time with the dudes. I get along with the girls in the group setting.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:17]:
Big girls guy, you know what I mean? Like, he can have just as much fun with a group of ladies.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:23]:
So I can see that side of the story. I would be very much someone that would empower a woman leader. That would be incredible because she has the gifts of that type of thing. Because I see it in where actually I see a lot of weakness in males. Right. A lot of inability to have discipline and a lot of these things and. And yeah, be authentic. We have a fun group of guys that meet around the Bible.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:48]:
And one of the things that we said was, we will be honest. And this will be uncomfortable for you because guys have a tough time being honest.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:57]:
It seems that being said, so do women.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:59]:
Okay, that's good to hear.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:00]:
Like, we don't want to hurt another girl's feelings, so we will lie like a. Like a white lie where it's like, no, you look great in that when to build self esteem type thing. Maybe that's awful.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:13]:
But you don't. You don't do that to us, right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:15]:
No, but to him, I don't.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:16]:
Okay. Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:17]:
I was like, what are you wearing right now? Try again.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:23]:
She just does this. Now just turn back to the closet and get a different outfit.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:27]:
The way Jenny communicates it, she goes, oh, so you're not gonna be on Camera today. That's. That's so basically I can wear whatever I want.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:33]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:34]:
Oh, not. I guess you're not gonna be in at all on stage.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:37]:
Staying in the office today.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:39]:
Oh, no. I'm about to stand in front of a thousand people. I think I'll go back to my closet now and try again.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:43]:
But, boy, do you know how to make me feel good.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:47]:
So those gender differences do exist. We're not going to go into detail of what that means, but we have to embrace that. But then I think that is symbolic now of all these other differences that are actually present, that if we can learn now to respect them again. I'm not talking about immoral differences. It's not a concept of. Look, I have a New Testament picture of sexuality, and my spouse now wants to try and open marriage. Well, I gotta respect the differences. No, no, no.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:14]:
You need to run is what you need to do. But outside of moral issues, where we see the world differently, we think differently, we have different opinions, our personalities are different. If we can learn to begin to embrace those and see that. All right, this is a tremendous gift. So even in previous episodes we talked about now, right? So, Adrienne, you're going to have a much more agency, dyadic view of life. Peacemaker, you're going to have this ability to make peace with people, to see what's going on in the big picture in a way that Blaine doesn't always have. He's going to be much more agency outward. So he's going to have this picture of activities and actions and things we can do and all the good times that we can possibly have.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:55]:
Whenever y'all do and y'all do this, whenever y'all merge those together, it is a tremendous blessing to each other. You talked about it here. If he can challenge you, to push you to accomplish things that you wouldn't be able to do on your own, you can remind him not everything's going to turn out perfectly. We do have to have some contingency plans, because sometimes things don't go right. But notice this. When a marriage is unhealthy, this dynamic becomes a very pessimistic optimist. Pessimist.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:24]:
And like, nitpicking, almost nitpicking.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:27]:
So he could feel like, she's never for me, she doesn't support me. She's Debbie Downer. And everything that's going on, you can feel like he's up in the clouds. He's not living in the real world. We got these kids we gotta take care of, and he's out risking this and doing that, and literally what God has put in place as a gift to the two of you to expand your horizons actually causes you to become much more limited. And then you begin to blame the other person of what's going on. But let's look at something that y'all, Even. Even something that y'all would generally share in common.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:58]:
But even that's gonna express itself differently. So you both have this desire for agency. You both have this desire of control over self, over body, over those kind of things. But even that's gonna express itself differently for you. It's gonna express itself in a much more reserved way. You're going to, at times, exert your agency almost through a quiet kind of disagreement, Whereas Blaine is just gonna be very up. He's in or out. You're probably gonna know where he is.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:28]:
And so, Blaine, you have to recognize at times with Adrienne that if she's not 100% in, it could be that she's really out, but she's uncomfortable communicating that. And that kind of. So this is somebody with a more agency, dyadic viewpoint. Will, at times. I'm not saying in every case, will at times kind of passively resist because she's still processing in her head, do I want this or not? Whereas you could just be, I want to move. Let's go. And so if you at times slow down and say, all right, I'm going to need to give her some time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:09]:
To get to this place she feels seen right now.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:13]:
Thank you, Kevin.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:14]:
Spot on.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:14]:
So notice this. You both have the same desire. You both want agency over your own life and your marriage together. But how you go about that is going to express itself differently. And so to learn that and then begin to see, I think, Adrienne, you can look at Blaine sometimes and recognize, oh, there are times where I actually need to express my agency the way he is. I need to be much more upfront, have a much more outward viewpoint that if I say this, it's not going to hurt that person. That person's feeling is actually their responsibility. I'm actually going to lose a sense of just thinking about how do I look in comparison to them? No, no.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:53]:
I'm going to be outward focused. What's the decision that needs to be made? I'm going to do it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:57]:
Probably one of my biggest weaknesses is I cannot make a decision.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:00]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:01]:
Because I'm thinking about too many things.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:03]:
No, that's exactly right. So how do we go about that? You can actually learn from Blaine of, okay, what's the process you use in making this decision. Now, he hadn't thought through a process, but he actually does have a process. How do you go about this, really? And you can begin to see you are bringing in some data that he doesn't even consider. And a lot of times that's good. Sometimes it handcuffs you 100% and then begin to say, okay, you can literally have your what would Blaine do? Bracelet on and say, thank you, Kevin.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:33]:
You can find those online now.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:35]:
Really pumping. What would Blaine do?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:37]:
Our merch at not really for sale. Go away from it and begin to say, all right. In this moment. And you can even try it in small ways. Let's say the consequences aren't that significant. All right. How would Blaine make this decision? I'm gonna try it this way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:53]:
Interesting.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:54]:
Because what you're doing now is, how.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:56]:
Does he do it?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:57]:
And you'll have to talk through that. I'll tell you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:59]:
Yeah, let Kevin finish.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:00]:
Okay, Kevin, let me tell you. Very well done.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:05]:
Thank you.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:05]:
Very well done. But then at the same time, Blaine can do the same thing. He can begin to see. All right, There are times in which I need to make this decision with a greater viewpoint and understanding of the relationships that are going on. And what would that actually look like? Well, Adrienne, now can teach me how to actually do that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:24]:
Can I tell you an example how this has happened in our lives? So to answer the first, how does Blaine think about a situation or do it? Blaine will just say, what's the worst that could possibly happen? We're gonna be fine. Just do it and find out. Because I don't care so much that it would cripple me. I know that if I fail, whatever. I learned something sweet. That's kind of cool. I'm excited to fail. I'm not fearful of failure.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:51]:
I am. But where she has morphed me to be a better person is if I was not married to her, I would be either very, very rich or very, very broke, because the amount of risks that I take, I would be broke. Right. And she harnesses me in a spot to where it's like, are you really thinking about the risk here? Because you're not. And now I am. And so what was interesting is, like, before ministry, and I say this, like, daily. This is an insider thought to Blaine. We've immigrated into America.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:32]:
There's restrictions on immigration and visa processes that I can't just go and do business now. I can't. I'm. And because I'm this. I'm feeling panicked. But now some of these attributes in terms of saving money and doing things and having a little bit of self control. Because I'd be like, just buy the thing. Don't worry, we'll make it up.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:52]:
She's like, well, if we don't have the money, why would we buy it? Good point.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:56]:
Like, he. I would like a budget. He doesn't make me one, but I think I would thrive on a budget.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:02]:
You would?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:03]:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could make it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:06]:
Wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:07]:
I am going to make. I'm learning so much.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:12]:
We are truly changing the odds in this marriage now.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:15]:
Now, maybe this week he'll go, man, I wish you'd do my laundry. I guess I could do my laundry.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:19]:
Kevin, there's things that we just. We don't need a.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:24]:
No, I think. I think. And we'll talk about real life example 100%. We'll talk about money in future episodes. But let's look at a difference. In all likelihood is here. Here's my guess. My guess is that Adrienne is going to see money as safety.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:38]:
I need money to be safe, to have my needs met. You're going to see money as opportunity.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:43]:
Correct.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:44]:
I can take risk. I can do these things. Now, notice, unhealthy marriage, this can be destructive.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:51]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:52]:
And this goes back to your first question about values, that we would be raised differently. My dad was an accountant, and he grilled save, save, save, save, save. Plan, plan, plan, plan. Your parents were more risk takers, entrepreneurs and invested in things and took risks. And so we have brought those two very different viewpoints of money together.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:12]:
Both successful parents, both successful. So, no, no, no, no. Your dad is wrong. My dad was successful. I'm gonna do it this way. No, my dad was successful. What are you talking about? Whoosh.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:23]:
And this is absolutely.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:25]:
The light bulb is going off.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:27]:
Then the gift that now comes in this of how now Blaine can help you, Adrienne, in taking risks that you wouldn't otherwise take. And there really is even financial possibilities that are out there that wouldn't be there if you don't take those risks. And then Adrienne can come in and help you to make sure. Are you looking at everything? Are we taking this risk in a wise way? Because there's nothing wrong with risk done right. There's nothing wrong with saving when done right. I mean, all those are possible, but the key is, y'all have to see the differences that are naturally there. And then to begin to ask, what are the strengths in each of these? What are the weaknesses? And then how can we leverage them well, and to have a deep respect for what is going on with the other person? Because think about how this now ties back into both of your desires for agency. You want safety, because without financial safety, your agency will be taken away.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:20]:
You'll be dependent upon other people. You won't be able to express yourself and take care of your family the way that you want to. So money for you is an expression of agency that is found primarily in safety. Well, Blaine, money for you is an expression of agency, and agency is risk. I can go out there and do what I want to do. If I fail, I fail. I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. No, you both have the exact same desire.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:44]:
What you're looking for, what you want. You have different understandings of what's going to lead to that. And yet even those understandings become extremely complementary if you can leverage them. It's when we don't understand them, don't see them. And so think about this again. We'll talk about this in later episodes. With Money, if the two of you do not recognize that whenever you use the word money, you mean different things, it's gonna be a point of contention.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:06]:
Yeah, that's good.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:07]:
You mean safety, you mean risk. Opportunity.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:10]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:10]:
Opportunity is probably a better way to say that you're using the same word, but you gotta recognize that means something different to him. That means something different to her.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:19]:
I'm processing now how many financial risks we've taken. Cause I just think it's the best it's turned out. Well, good thing. But if any of those things would have gone wrong over time, to then have to then face your spouse and be like, I just did it on my own.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:36]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:37]:
And now you have to face the music. It's like that. I can just see the bomb going off for so many marriages, and it's just like, no, Figure this out before you start going down that road. Because both. Both are good. You want that risk taker, but you also want that. Did we check the numbers again? Like, yes. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:56]:
Yeah. And then the question becomes on top of that is how can you now get it to where some of the big rocks are being taken care of? So the safety is kind of automated. Well, now suddenly we can get risky over here. Some of these other things, because we have this foundation of safety that's already done. And so financially, and I'm not trying to brag, this is just life. Jenny and I have never, to this point, 24 and a half years in so far. We've never had a financial fight. So far.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:28]:
Now, there's other things, but this Is one of the areas. Right. But I think one of the reasons that's the case, not only are we kind of just naturally pretty similar in how we view what's going on, but I think early on we begin to figure out what are some things that we want to automate. That way we don't have to debate all the other stuff that we just know. The giving, the saving, short term, long term, the investing, all that's just automatically happening. So whatever we have left here, there's really not a right or wrong way to spend it as long as we're not being foolish in what's happening. But that's that understanding of the differences that are already built in that I think this is a tremendous opportunity for the two of you that y'all have figured out. But now we're just giving language to what y'all were.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:14]:
Oh, totally.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:15]:
There's. There is processing going on in my head too, because I think that I have been. I think I'm good and skilled in this idea of finances and numbers and things just like. I don't really. No interest, I guess is a good way of saying it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:30]:
So I still don't know how many zeros are in a million.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:33]:
Right. So we don't have a. Oh, wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:37]:
Which is why. I don't know. But we don't have it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:39]:
We gotta get to the million.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:40]:
Yeah, we see the bank statement.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:42]:
I'm just horrible with numbers. Like, I have no concept.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:46]:
There is this idea that, like, you want to see it Here. Here are the numbers. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:51]:
I'll be like, so do we.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:52]:
Sweet.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:53]:
But you know what I'm saying? So I think there is this idea too, of you have to, like, speak the languages that the other spouse needs to understand this agency of security and that sort of thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:05]:
Oh, no question. And the concept within that is within differences, there's gonna be things that I'm strong at that you're not. You're strong at that I'm not. And in those areas. So if it's an area Jenny is strong and I'm weak, I deserve, and I have every right to learn whatever I need to learn to ask her what's going on, speak into that, all those things. But I have to come to a point where I recognize she knows better than I do here. I'm gonna trust her with this, and it can't be I'm gonna trust her, but if it fails, I'm gonna come back and say, see? I told you so. Can't be that.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:35]:
That could be a danger here. If you're not very careful is Adrienne. If you're not bold enough to state your objection, he goes and does something risky. It succeeds. Oh, great. Not a big deal. Well, then all of a sudden, one fails and you come back in and now guilt him with, well, I knew we shouldn't have done that. It can never be that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:55]:
No, it's like we were in this together. You agreed.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:58]:
Yeah, from the get go. This is what it means. But this is a perfect example of how we're similar. We're different at the same time. How can we now leverage this for our own wellbeing? There's another difference that we oftentimes don't think about. That kind of plays into this, and that is where does your attention go first? So you think about it. Picture a room. You walk into a room, and where does your attention go first in that room? And to recognize we all have different things that come to our attention first.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:33]:
We can see everything, but we fixate on some things over others. For instance, let's change metaphors. Let's say we're flipping channels and we stop on the golf tournament, Right?
Blaine Neufeld [00:40:45]:
Naturally.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:46]:
Clearly, your attention can immediately go to the on course report. What is she wearing? Who is that? Who were the people that are there? Right. Blaine's attention can go to what course are they playing? What shot does this guy have? Look at how beautiful that view is, man. Look at what he does with his wrist on his backswing. I mean, it can go to all these different places. You're seeing the same thing, but where your attention goes first. So you walk into a crowded room, your attention goes first. For some, it's gonna first go to people.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:25]:
Who's in the room, who's not in the room.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:27]:
Who do I know?
Kevin Thompson [00:41:28]:
Who do I know? Who do I want to be near? Who do I know that I don't want to be near? Like you're looking at the people. Some people walk into a room and they see things. Why is the room set up the way it is? What are their screens? What's on those screens? Oh, that's a trip that's coming up, man. I'd like to go on that trip. That's an interesting experience that is there. Look at what's on that wall. Look at that painting that's there. Look.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:52]:
And even at the people, it's not necessarily the people. It's, oh, look at that jewelry that that person has. Or look at the social dynamic of so and so's talking to somebody else. And while they're viewing people, they're Actually looking at a power structure that's going on within the room. Other people, they walk in the room. You know, the first thing I. First thing. Whenever I walk into any room, the first thing I look for, how do I get out of this room?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:17]:
We should dive into that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:20]:
I think he shared that on that hike.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:23]:
How do I get out of this? So if I walk.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:25]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:26]:
If I walk into a room. All right, so I'll speak two weekends from now, I'll be at a new church. I'll go in, I'll speak. And I assure you that during the first sermon, while I'm on stage, while I'm speaking, I will be in my head surveying how am I getting off the stage if something goes down. Right, what's the way? Because what we tend to do is we just assume however we came in, that's how we need to go out. But there's more options, and generally other options are better. It's why whenever you're on an airplane, the flight attendant will say, old flight attendant right here. Are you really?
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:02]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:03]:
A former flight attendant.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:04]:
Former flight attendant.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:04]:
I don't think. Old flight attendant.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:06]:
Yeah, not currently one.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:08]:
All right, so part of the announcements, correct me if I'm wrong, is the nearest exit might be behind you. Right. So don't forget, because our mindset is, whichever way we came in, we think that's the way we have to go out. No, no. The safest thing might be so be aware. My personality is. My attention goes to that awareness of that. But notice this.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:29]:
We have to recognize that where my attention first goes, it doesn't mean I ignore everything else. Doesn't mean I can't see everything else. My attention goes there first. First. That's not where Jenny's attention goes first. And to then see that. All right, if we share that in common, if that is where our attention goes, great. But if it's not, that's actually an opportunity.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:48]:
It means that she's going to be seeing things that I'm not naturally going to see. She's going to be attuned to things that I'm not naturally attuned to and to have conversations about that and then to recognize it. So the two of y'all walk into a room, what's the first thing that. That y'all are seeing?
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:02]:
Hey, people.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:04]:
You're the people.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:05]:
People, people, people. Who's talking to who? I did. I did resonate with this idea that I see the people. I love the people. But I'm very quick to analyze what's Happening. What's convers? Like the, let's say, the emotional intelligence of sensing a very tough conversation, but knowing them. And I can interject my funny funness to. To enlighten the mood a little bit or just let it be, you know.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:31]:
But at the same time, I mean this kindly and this is not a bad thing. What I'm about to say is not a bad thing. But that's a great intro to how to say it. Correct me if I'm wrong, Adrienne. When Blaine walks into the room, the first thing he sees is himself. When Blaine walks into a room, he's announcing his entrance into the room and the joy that that's gonna bring. And rightly so, because he is a joy filled guy. When you walk in the room, you walk in the room not announcing your presence.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:59]:
You want to see everybody else first to figure out, where do I place into this? Blaine walks in. He is now changing where everybody else fits into his world a little bit. Is that correct? Yeah, Yeah, a little bit.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:13]:
A lot of it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:14]:
A lot.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:14]:
So notice both of you are seeing people.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:17]:
Yeah. I also, can I say I notice how the room looks. I notice. Where'd they get that coffee table. I want that.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:24]:
Oh, there you go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:25]:
And I love to notice how does a room make me feel by how it's created and how it's set up, the aesthetics. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:31]:
So I have none of that. No. So, like, we have friends who put on their Instagrams things about how to create spaces like this, and I'm like, man, great for them. I don't care what glass my drink is in.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:43]:
I care about all the details.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:44]:
Matter of fact, I don't even want a glass.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:45]:
And we know that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:47]:
Give me a can of Coke.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:48]:
It's just a can.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:49]:
Let me just have the can. I'm totally fine.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:51]:
But you're right. I will 100% be like, okay, where do I go? Like, who do I know? I will go first to someone I know well, make a connection. And then I feel like I'm ready to party.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:01]:
Yes, yes, yes, yes. So you again, you're exerting your agency in a way different than Blaine does, but ironically, you're both after the same thing. It's just how you go about it and approach it and to then value. All right, Blaine. For you to recognize, there are times I actually need to enter the room the way Adrienne does. And what this room needs most from me is actually for me not to be what naturally comes to my mind, but instead to do it the way she does it. Survey the room, find a spot, and then go and do what I need to do. But, Adrienne, there are other times you actually need to enter in like Blaine does.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:39]:
I don't think I can.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:40]:
But here's how you can.
Blaine Neufeld [00:46:41]:
Hello, ladies.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:42]:
You know how I know that you can, Dennis Quaid? Here's how I know you can. You absolutely can, because you do. Because you are a comedian. You do not walk out on that stage as the same way that Adrienne walks into a crowded room of people. You walk out on that stage as Blaine. You actually exert yourself now in a different way. Now, it comes with very stated expectations because I do the same thing. So if I'm walking into a party, which is not my favorite thing ever, by any means, so a crowded room where I don't have a microphone on, I hate it until I find my people.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:22]:
And if it's up to me, if it were totally up to me, I would stand in the same place all night long and people would just rotate over to me because I know if they're coming up to me, they're happy to be here.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:47:34]:
Right. Whereas they're choosing to.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:36]:
Yes. If I walk up to them, then it's like, what's this guy?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:47:39]:
Yeah, we don't know. We can't.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:40]:
And you've seen me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:47:41]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:42]:
I kind of stick in the same spot.
Blaine Neufeld [00:47:43]:
I'm thinking about one of those things that we did, and you were hanging by the pole. And my problem is people love you. They want. I'm like, kev, get in the party. They want the Kevin. Right. But you're just sitting there and they come around. So then you know that you're.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:01]:
Whereas for me, the idea of going on a stage in a dark room where I can't feel and touch and, you know, assess your body movements and your interest in the conversation and all these things. No, thank you.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:14]:
Love every part of it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:15]:
No, thank you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:48:15]:
Well, I don't really like it either. I'm just trying to do it.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:19]:
But there. But I mean, think about it. I will walk out on stage this weekend expressing my Blaine agency, outward personality, which only comes in limited forms. But Jenny would actually say, in her opinion, it is in that setting in which the fullness of my personality comes out, that everywhere else you're gonna get me, you're gonna get an aspect of who I am, not the fullness of who I am.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:44]:
Which is probably why a lot of people that see you preach and enjoy what you do. Wow. Kevin's so fun and funny and all these things.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:53]:
They're Greatly visible. Then they get to know me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:58]:
I think about that, though, because it's like you have to have some Persona thinking about comedy, thinking about acting, too. It is a little bit of, you know, yes, it's communicating, but for me, it's not.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:10]:
For me, it's no acting, it's no Persona. This is 100% genuine who I am. In this setting where I have been given permission and expectation that you are to control this moment, it is then in this other setting where there's not a run sheet, this is Kevin's time to talk. Where literally you could get that wrong. You could be talking when it's not your moment to talk. You could be centering yourself where you shouldn't be centering yourself. That then kind of paralyzes me to some extent of I don't want to overstep my boundary into their life.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:49:44]:
Because you're dyadic.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:46]:
Because I'm dyadic. That's exactly right. I'm constantly viewing, viewing that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:49:50]:
And I get the chills when you say that. You're at your pinnacle of truly how God designed you to be in that moment to speak, to preach, to do this. And then I see so much value of all the people that made that worship set or whatever happen. And as they're operating in their optimal giftings and as Jesus looks out on it, it's like they're all so important to me, right? And too often we're like, oh, he's the guy, he did everything. And we know that it's just this, but you're in your moment. That's what gets me so excited, is you are in the giftings. And it's like, how can we discover. That's one of the things that I really want to do as couples.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:29]:
That's why it exhausts me. That elevation of the speaker exhausts me because that's one of the easiest things I do all week. Now, no doubt there's a tiring aspect of it. I'll do it five times this weekend, right? There's a tiring aspect of it. But that to me is a whole lot more, whole lot easier and rejuvenating than on the weekends. I'm not speaking and I'm out in the courtyard and I'm running 1000 micro conversations. I'm much more exhausted there. So I get in trouble at our workplace on occasion, whenever I am quick to remind people, no, the speaking pastor has the easiest job of the weekend.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:04]:
Those who are really working and exhausted are everybody else.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:08]:
But then I'll say, like, I don't feel at work at all when I'm in the courtyard, because I'm gifted in that. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:51:14]:
If you had to write a sermon, you would be, like, agonizing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:18]:
Oh, just get me out of here.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:20]:
What are we doing? ChatGPT.
Blaine Neufeld [00:51:21]:
What would Kevin Thompson say?
Kevin Thompson [00:51:23]:
But here's what I love about Alden is again, we're looking at begin to identify the differences and how do they express itself? And then how can we respect that and learn from each other? And then sometimes not even learn from each other? Just leverage. And so whenever we check into a hotel, I stay in the car. Jenny goes and checks us in. Why? Because Jenny has no problem as she's checking in, going, hey, what do I need to do for an upgrade? Whereas if I go in, I will literally say, oh, you're overbooked today. Do you have a bad room? Yeah, we'll go there, try to ease.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:51:57]:
Actually cancel our reservations. We don't need to be here.
Kevin Thompson [00:51:59]:
We'll give that to somebody else. We'll sleep in the car.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:52:01]:
Yeah, yeah, we're fine.
Kevin Thompson [00:52:02]:
So it's not good for me to be in that scenario. For us, right, Jenny, you go do it. And then there's other scenarios where it's like, Kevin, go. Go take care of that. You know, you'll make this happen in some way. We talk about this even in parenting. Of. All right, which one of us is better to respond to this teacher's email?
Blaine Neufeld [00:52:22]:
Interesting.
Kevin Thompson [00:52:24]:
Who goes better? Who maybe has been responding a lot, and now the other person needs to give a try? Also, one thing we talk about unfair, but reality. Teachers are used to constantly talking to the moms. And so to see that this dad is highly engaged can be a useful scenario. So there were a lot of times when my kids were little, even today, even this week, there was something I said, Jenny, hey, let me respond to it, right? They're used to kind of responding to moms here. And so I wrote up a response, showed it to her. And Jenny's comment was, yeah, a woman would never say it that way, right? I said, okay, but this is the way I'm saying it. And very fair. And I mean, not threatening in any way.
Kevin Thompson [00:53:04]:
It's just the way I communicate is different than how Jenny communicates. So let's see if this one works a little bit better. And to the extent that we can begin to leverage the. Understand, understand. Your thought knows how understanding creates cohesion within the relationship and then empowers us to leverage that to where we can then become much stronger than we would ever be on our own. Which leads us to what is going to be the next episode. We're going to talk about how do we become a power couple? What does that even look like? That's what's next. Until then, thanks for joining us at Change the Odds.
Kevin Thompson [00:53:38]:
Don't forget marriage and family never meant to be a game of chance. Have a great day.