Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to Change the Odds, the podcast where marriage and family were never meant to be. A game of chance. My name is Kevin Thompson, here again with Blaine and Adrienne. We're back.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:07]:
Hi.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:07]:
How are we?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:08]:
Awesome.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:09]:
We're pretty good.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:10]:
Oh, okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:11]:
Okay. Well, glass half full, glass half empty.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:13]:
Good. Not great. Okay. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. Adrienne, do you have. Do you have any. I don't know what to call them? You're a comedian.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:23]:
Any gigs? Any. Anything coming up in the. Are you gonna be at Thrive?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:28]:
I don't know. I have a non church gig coming up.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:31]:
Even better.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:32]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:33]:
Okay, when is that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:35]:
The end of January.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:36]:
Oh, so a couple weeks ago by the time this comes out. No, it might actually be that week. It might actually be that week. We might only be. Let's be honest, we're filming this mid January, so. All right. It might be this week.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:50]:
You should not have thrown it to me.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:51]:
How'd it go, Adrienne? How'd that. Did it go great? Oh, yeah, it went great.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:55]:
Couldn't have gotten better.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:57]:
Okay, so on the last episode, we went long, but I think it was entertaining. It was good. It was about personality. This episode, we're going to get more specific. But before we do, y'all always. We always get an issue from the new felt house that I get to speak into with no ramifications whatsoever. I love it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:13]:
Solve our problems.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:14]:
All right, what do we think?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:15]:
Coming home from work, I'm walking through the door.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:17]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:18]:
Am I going to my kids or am I going to my spouse?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:22]:
Who gets the first attention or the primary attention?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:26]:
Primary attention. That's a.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:27]:
A great question.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:28]:
Where am I going?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:29]:
Brilliant question. So how does it work in your house?
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:32]:
I'm trying to think. I don't.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:34]:
Adrienne, do you even care? Y'all can have him. Kids.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:39]:
Actually, I think it goes the other way, where it's like, hey, I'm done here. Are the kids.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:44]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:44]:
So there's that aspect of the two on her side. Yeah. Is. I'm done. I'm gonna take a minute.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:50]:
Yeah. Yeah. You're home. Okay, great. I might come out for a bit.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:53]:
Yeah, I get it. That's good. I don't think there's a right or wrong in this from the perspective of, I think if the marriage is healthy, then a lot of times, yeah, the kids get it first. And because you're so connected with each other, you have no problem sharing well.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:10]:
Right. And we've probably been texting, like, the whole time he's gone. And, like, I already know he's five minutes away. Kids don't know. So they run to him and I'm like, cool, have them.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:18]:
Yeah, yeah, big deal.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:19]:
Yeah, I'll get the hug after.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:22]:
But I think the hug after is important. I do think that it's good for the kids to see. In other words, I'm not this dogmatic guy of you walking. You shove the kids out of the way, you embrace your wife to teach your kids. Not that, no. Oh, interact with the kids, have a great time, all of that. At some point, yeah, you got to connect your spouse and literally a physical welcome home, a hug, a kiss, whatever. Of all right.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:45]:
Even if we've been texting all day, hey, we're reunited now. And oh, by the way, Blaine, you know, have the kids. Good luck. Take a man.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:52]:
I will say, though, I desire your connection far more than the kids. And I don't know that that's always reciprocated because of the tiredness, but.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:03]:
Oh, how could it be?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:04]:
Exactly. But what we have done is the morning routine. I do believe that you taught us. Or this idea of a 7 second.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:11]:
Hug or a 50.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:13]:
Whatever it was. 50 second. Or what are we up to?
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:16]:
I don't think it's that long.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:19]:
And it's fun to see our kids go, oh, stop it. Or when we're hugging, they come in and hug us too.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:26]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:26]:
And it's kind of really cool to set the day.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:28]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:28]:
So, well, we're putting it to practice, Kev.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:31]:
There you go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:32]:
As much as we can with a.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:33]:
19 year old with special needs. She still does not believe that Jenny and I should be able to hug without her being involved. So she. I love it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:44]:
I thought you were going in a different direction.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:45]:
Matter of fact, if you want her to get up and do something, you just start hugging and she will get up and run over to you and. Oh, now that. Hey, now that you're up.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:53]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:53]:
What are you gonna do? What I've asked her to. So. No, that's exactly right. Okay, so personality. Here we are. What we talked about in the last episode, if you haven't listened to it, go back and listen to it. If you did listen to it, go back and listen to it three more times to kind of get the process that we covered a lot of stuff. But basically what's happened is Dan Siegel and his PDP group pathways, developmental patterns of developmental pathways.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:18]:
They have figured out the science that's behind the enneagram. So you can toss the enneagram out. I don't care about the Enneagram. But we have this basic concept now of agency, bonding and certainty. An inward and outward, a dyadic viewpoint of the world. And that's how you get these nine pathways that we looked at. So here's what I've asked Blaine and Adrienne to do. I've given them a little bit of a test, online test, by the way, with this.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:42]:
These are not very good. Online tests are not. This is what I am. But instead, it's all right. This helps me begin to think through. And then it becomes, which do you kind of identify with a little bit more and to recognize I am not one thing, I'm not one number. Right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:58]:
And can it change depending on season of life?
Kevin Thompson [00:05:01]:
I think it can change.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:02]:
Now I'm a mom, so it's like my needs are different. My reactions.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:05]:
Yeah, no, I think so. And personality changes over the lifespan as well. But one thing Siegel and them are discovering is that some of these underlying issues are kind of there, but you can begin to access other places. And I know for me, one of the reasons like Enneagram tests tend not to work is my job requires me to be a three from my personality. But I'm really a six, right? And you look at the core issues, there's no question. Fear is my issue. No question. Nobody.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:32]:
Nobody questions that. Clearly, I'm a six. My job kind of makes me express as a three. So some of these online tests I express as a three, even though I'm actually a six. And so you gotta. You gotta kind of figure yourself out. As a matter of fact, going to have a little disagreement here in that what I've done. I've asked you all to take some tests to give me some ideas.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:51]:
And then I have looked at you now, Blaine, as being primarily agency, outward primarily, which is going to be an 8 on the enneagram. So fixation on agency, an outward kind of perspective. If you are an 8, I would call you a very healthy 8. Fun to be around. But let's face it, you're a big personality. Sure, you're a big personality. So you're telling me, I think you're an eight. Wing seven, I think that's.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:20]:
I think that's who you are.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:20]:
That's Wing seven.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:22]:
So Wing seven is the fun, the exciting, and you tend that way, that kind of thing. So. So, yeah, an eight, Wing nine is their. Their personality is going to probably be a little bit more stifled. An eight, Wing seven is going to be a little bit more out there and fun and loud and exciting and those kind of Things. So agency outward is the concept. Now with an uploaded willingness on some emotion. Adrienne, what are you? That's the great question.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:51]:
So there is some thought.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:52]:
Inquiring minds want to know that you.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:54]:
Would be agency dyadic. That would be a nine, Peacemaker. All those things are taking place. I leaned a little bit more with a bonding dyadic view of this idea of a three. So you are a comedian, and so you do have this ability to be on stage, to perform, to achieve. I kind of went three, wing four with this idea of. I could be wrong, but with this idea of. To me, this begins to make sense now of the achiever kind of mindset with a bent toward art and fashion.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:30]:
And I think what makes your Instagram so fun and popular and good and all those kind of things. So that's a thought. Now, if we get into this, we can disagree, we can say no. All right, I have access to that pathway, but I'm primarily over here. But then what I'm doing is now saying, let's assume those are at least some primary pathways in your lives. You could be a two, Blaine, for all I know. I don't. Just to stop.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:57]:
I don't know. I'm just saying numbers. So an eight is a.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:00]:
So that's Agent Challenger. Agency outward. Okay. Oh, yeah. The old school Enneagram language would be a challenger and. Yes. And a three would be an achiever.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:11]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:12]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:13]:
And then the seven is a outward.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:17]:
I don't know what.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:17]:
I don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:18]:
I don't know what. I just always think fun is what I always think. Fun.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:21]:
I'm on board with that.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:22]:
So.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:23]:
And you said four for Adrienne was.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:26]:
Well, that. That's her wing. Yeah, that's more artistic. Artistic, yeah, that kind of thing. But that. That's old school. Kind of anagram.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:33]:
We're not doing that.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:35]:
We're beyond that. We're in the science now with Dan.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:39]:
You can't argue with science.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:40]:
Okay? So here's what I got, okay? I got five things that, if this is true, these are going to be five potential strengths. And then I got five things that you got to watch out for. And what I want to do is I want to read one to you. You listen to it, you take it in and go, ah. Oh. Yes or no? That's not. That's not us at all. Are we ready?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:01]:
Yep.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:01]:
Oh, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:02]:
Okay. Number one, Strength. We're going to start. Strength.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:05]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:05]:
For who?
Kevin Thompson [00:09:07]:
No, this is for you.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:08]:
Oh, yeah. I'm with you. I need that.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:09]:
It's not Individual you're here to.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:11]:
I just wanted to work on myself. Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:13]:
All right. So Blaine's agency outward, that's assertive leadership, can blend well with Adrienne's bonding, dyadic kind of relational focus. And so Blaine's boldness can provide stability and direction for you as a couple, while Adrienne's relational finesse can ensure an emotional connection and a harmony with each other and also others, I think.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:39]:
Spot on.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:40]:
Wow. Yes, yes, yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:42]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:43]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:44]:
How does that play out in Yalls relationships?
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:46]:
I like that because half the time I can't make a decision. He's like, where do you want to go for dinner? I'm like, who cares? You choose. I want him to lead me. There's certain things I want to, like, own and be in charge of, but a lot of the time in just everyday life, I'm like, please just make that decision for me. And then, yes. I think people like Blaine's like, very, like, oh, Blaine will, like, get to know the people and then I'll come in and, like, I don't know, just like, make them comfortable.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:18]:
What was Adrienne's strength on that part? Again, remind.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:20]:
Just a relational finesse to begin to maybe see some things that you might miss. Your boldness and your strength is coming in can be overpowering. She'll come in and make sure. Hey, everybody's.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:30]:
I think I balance.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:31]:
Yeah, yeah, A balance.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:33]:
I think too, that she brings the unpopular opinion up to me because I would be like, no, no, no, we're going to go here. This is what we're going to do.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:40]:
And I'll be like, yeah, but did you think about this? Or.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:42]:
Nobody wants that. Nobody wants that, Blaine, like, you want that, right? But I'm going to take the leadership. So she brings me awareness of other people's opinions or the room or, you know, hey, this is going long. I'm like, this is going great. I love this. This is amazing. We're just going to eat. But she lets me know that side of it.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:58]:
So think about the. So think about. You're going to have two different tendencies to life. You're going to be outward, you're going to be dyadic. So the outward is going to be so focused on all the good that's happening, the fun that's happening, everything that's. Again, think about outward as being a little bit more focused on things, tasks, experiences, whereas dyadic is gonna be more in tune with relational aspect of what's going on of self and then others. So it's not gonna be shocking in yalls. Relationship.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:27]:
If Adrienne isn't gonna know more about what some people are experiencing in the moment, where you're gonna be fixated on the good that everybody's having, Adrienne's gonna bring up this person over here who's not right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:40]:
And so what we say in our relationships, I'm the realist, but he calls me a pessimist. But I'm like, no, this is just, like, what's actually happening. But you can't see that. You're seeing all the fun. I'm seeing what's actually happening.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:52]:
And they're both true.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:54]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:54]:
But what you're bringing, what you can bring into this is a piece of the experience that he's not seeing because he's seeing the overall picture, the big picture. You see this piece over here that doesn't match what his reality is 100%.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:08]:
And it can be a conflict at times. It can be helpful, but it can also be like, he's like, well, why don't you just let it go? Or, why can't you just enjoy the moment? I'm like, I wish I could, but this is really affecting me and that person.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:23]:
Yes. And so immediately, that's a tendency. Immediately. You can now have compassion, Blaine, and go, oh, a dyadic viewpoint. Why can't you like this Go. What that statement is this. Why don't you see the world the way I see it? I don't.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:36]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:37]:
I don't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:37]:
I don't.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:39]:
And there's strength.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:40]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:41]:
But I think, Adrienne, you make a great point that even as I'm listening, strengths and weaknesses. Every strength can be a weakness, because if you don't appreciate it for what it's for, and if you and I don't recognize, again, this is the idea of partnership, that our differences now can multiply who we actually are in a positive way. But if you begin to expect your spouse to see the world the way you expect it, that can cause a fight. But if you begin to appreciate, oh, wow, what does she bring to me? So you don't have to back down from who you are as a leader, as man. Go get it, take charge. That kind of person. But then lean on Adrienne. Hey, is there anything I'm missing? How can I make this experience even better in what's going on? And there's a blind spot at the same time.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:27]:
Adrienne, you and I can get. Because of our dyadic view of the world, we can get overwhelmed by all the different parts and pieces. We need people like Blaine to come in and go, all Right. Great. Let's go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:38]:
Yep. I get overwhelmed very easy. And when I'm overwhelmed, I don't. I don't get sad. I get frustrated. Even when I'm feeling sad, I get frustrated. When I'm annoyed with the kids, I'm mad. Like, I.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:50]:
I don't cry a lot, is what I say. I mean, I do, but not. I'm not overly emotionally sadness wise. So it just. Anyways, that was a side touch.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:59]:
No, no, I love it. I love. I love. That's great information. I'm taking the information in at that moment because here's what intrigues me. It's interesting that you feel the anger. You recognize the anger.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:09]:
I do, yep.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:10]:
Let me ask you this. Do you. Do you generally express that in a very confined kind of way?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:16]:
Depends who I'm around.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:17]:
Or do you. Can you pop off?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:18]:
I can pop off at home.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:20]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:20]:
With me.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:21]:
Yeah. Does it. Does it surprise you or not surprise you when that happens?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:24]:
No, it doesn't surprise me, but I feel frustrated at myself. Like, why did I have to blow up?
Kevin Thompson [00:14:29]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:30]:
It bottles up in you, right?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:31]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I'm with, like, if I'm in a group of people that I. Even if I don't know, if I'm in a group setting, I can control it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:39]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:39]:
But to him, I'll be like, get me out of here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:43]:
Interesting. But sadness you don't feel or you do feel, ever feel sad?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:47]:
I don't express sadness. I feel it.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:49]:
You feel it. Okay. But never express it less. Yeah, yeah. How? Like, how. What would an expression of sadness look like?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:56]:
Well, I would cry, but, like, I try not to cry.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:59]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:59]:
Or I don't like to.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:01]:
Okay. Man, that's interesting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:03]:
I'm in such a unique case.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:04]:
I'm trying to. Trying to figure out. All right, let's go. Here we go. We're going to go the negative side. Prepare your hearts.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:12]:
I call them challenges, not negatives.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:13]:
Okay, we can go challenges. Classic opportunities. Let's look at the opportunities. Blaine's natural dominance and Adrienne's need to be admired or seen as successful can lead to power struggles. If Blaine feels unappreciated or Adrienne feels overshadowed, resentment can build. True or not true?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:37]:
I would say partially true. Partially. Maybe I say untrue because I'll throw this one out there. I think she could achieve and be even better, but there's a fear holding her back, and she's okay with not succeeding or trying because she's scared to fail. Right. So therefore, she's okay with not having the dominance of that situation. Do I make sense?
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:04]:
Yeah. And I think that's true, but I think in certain things, I want the success, but not in, like, nothing that he would overshadow. Like, in a totally separate setting, Like, I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:18]:
Yeah. It's like, I want her success. I don't want to dominate her. Oh, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:24]:
Like, he's my biggest cheerleader.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:25]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:26]:
Like, there's no power struggle. I don't think there's a power struggle.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:29]:
No. No.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:31]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:31]:
I'm just curious as to.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:33]:
I'm intrigued. I'm kind of leaning a little bit more now that Adrienne's a nine. Oh, a little bit more.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:38]:
That is what I originally thought.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:40]:
Interesting. Yeah, intriguing. All right, so we're going false on that. We have to come back. Let's see. Let's keep on. Keep on tracking. Keep on tracking.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:49]:
We're going to go positive here. Both of you are naturally driven, but Blaine seeks external impact and influence, while Adrienne craves a more personal and relational success. So this mutual ambition can make you a power couple because your goals can easily align.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:10]:
I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:11]:
I mean, yes, I want external. Like, one of the struggles that I think I have internally is I want the best for everyone, but I think I want the best for you so that I'm important and I'm valued to that person, so I'm always outwardly focused. She wants the best internally for people. We talk about Kingdom identities a lot and everything else. And when she started to have this awakening of an individual having great purpose, you really sparked up and you wanted the best for the person. I just want the best for the group. So I think she's back to our other point of. I'm thinking about a party now where we have a bunch of families over and the kids are playing.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:51]:
I'm kind of getting the game going and I'm having all the fun. And she's sitting over on the couch with one person and talking one on one with them, and they're having a far better time because they're kind of seen. So she sees that person. So I think I could gather I could have the fun and then she can see the individual.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:10]:
I'm not fun in a group. Like, not as fun. I don't think I am. I often get worried I'm actually boring. If we're at a dinner, I'm like, oh, I didn't say anything interesting or funny. Like, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:22]:
Why do you think you hold back there? Because you are funny. You are interesting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:27]:
Thank You. Is this therapy? It's happening. I'm warm.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:33]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:35]:
I don't know. Fear, probably. Yeah. Can you just, like, putting myself out there in, like, a group I'm not totally comfortable in. Just not my.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:44]:
Oh, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:44]:
Thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:45]:
No, that's understandable.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:46]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:46]:
But if you. If you are comfortable with your group, then you're good to go. Yeah. It just takes you a while to warm up to them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:51]:
I need a connection point. So I walk into a group of people, and I'm like, why am I here? Even though I've always thought I was extroverted, I think I'm omniverted or it's a different ambivert. Yeah, that one I. Once I make. I can come across standoffish. I think once I make a connection with someone, I'll be like, okay, I'm ready to have a good time.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:10]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:11]:
What's interesting about me is she's very, very funny. She's good with riffing. But when it comes to, like, the standup stuff, it has to be so scripted. And if something deviates, it messes me up, it messes her up.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:22]:
Oh, that's interesting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:23]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:24]:
Because probably she's dyadic thinker and she's thinking about them too much. Right. Where it's like, I know you're funny. Why wouldn't you just go for it? Like, be yourself is how I always, like, look at it. But it's interesting to think this through.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:38]:
That's fascinating.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:39]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:39]:
Whereas he'll walk into a room, and he's like, I'm here, you know?
Kevin Thompson [00:19:42]:
So I'm like, congratulations, everybody.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:47]:
She knows there's probably enters the room.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:49]:
50% of the people are like, oh, my gosh, this guy.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:52]:
Never think that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:52]:
Oh, okay, well, I'm.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:54]:
I'm excited to be with you. I assume everyone else is doing, oh, I know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:56]:
But I'm assuming like, I'll win you over eventually. And she's like, stop it. Stop the nonsense.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:02]:
I'll win you over slowly.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:20:03]:
Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:04]:
You know, it's interesting. So with. With me and Jenny is obviously, I have a very extroverted job, but I'm clearly an introvert, no questions about it. And so I. Man, if I have a microphone on, I'm walking into a room, I'm on stage, no problem whatsoever. But to walk into a party, I want none of that because don't invite Kevin. Because I walk in, and I think it is that dyadic view. I'm so aware of everybody and myself.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:35]:
Yes. And it's exhausting.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:36]:
It's exhausting yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:37]:
And then you're trying to keep it balanced, but it's, like, tiring.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:41]:
No, that's exactly right. And to have that connection.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:45]:
And if you're a peacemaker, then you are. That's the whole goal. You're just trying to keep everything, like.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:49]:
Yeah, well. And I'm a sick. So I'm afraid of everything.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:53]:
Gosh, Kevin. On you.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:57]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:58]:
And there's Blaine, just, like, loving so much going on to love life.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:03]:
But I do love the fact, like, you guys bring so much. I want you at every single party because your information and your knowledge and, like, I would love to. Kev, what is the answer to this thing? I don't want to know. It's. I just want to hear it from you.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:14]:
Yeah, right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:15]:
I don't want to do the work.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:16]:
That's funny.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:17]:
I. E. This podcast.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:17]:
I'm going to. We're going to try. We're going to try one more time on the challenges of this. And if it's not, I'm going to switch you over to a nine. I'm going to. I'm going to write this live on air.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:27]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:27]:
Okay, one more. There could be an emotional disconnect if we're not careful between the two of you, because Adrienne's now focus on her dyadic view now is impacting what's going on, whereas Blaine is just going to prefer to tell the truth and be blunt about what's taking place and not worry about where that might lead, that it could lead to some misunderstandings. And so Blaine could perceive Adrienne as being overly focused on others and her own image and all those kind of things, while Adrienne might feel that Blaine lacks all sensitivity. Fair or not fair?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:07]:
Ding, ding, ding. I do believe. Okay, say it one more time.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:13]:
So Adrienne's focus on the extra. On others. Right. And Blaine's preference for bluntness may lead to misunderstandings.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:22]:
Are you blunt?
Kevin Thompson [00:22:23]:
And Blaine might perceive just that. Right? There is. He didn't say. Kind of. He didn't say. Oh, yeah. Blaine might perceive Adrienne as overly focused on others and on her own image, while Adrienne might feel Blaine lacks sensitivity.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:38]:
You definitely always tell me, why do you care what people think? Always. Every day. All my life. We've been together almost all my life.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:46]:
So let's stop right there just for a moment. Okay? There's healthy rebuttal in that it can be useful to remind Adrienne your identity is in Christ. It is not other saint, not in your own success. You don't have to earn favor. There is a useful aspect of that why do you always care what other people think? That is her personality. That is a dyadic view of the world.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:17]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:18]:
What is the strength? You actually do not want her to stop that. In part because she thinks about you as well.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:26]:
And I tell them, I literally can't help it. Like, I just can't. And then. So then I do. I do think he's insensitive, but then.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:34]:
I say, but why not?
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:36]:
He's like, what are you afraid of? And then he tries to therapize me.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:39]:
Yes. Where he needs to therapize himself on this idea of. That's how she attends to the world. She attends to the world with this relational viewpoint of them and me, me and them and really can struggle. Now, Adrienne, I mean, one thing that we can say is an area of growth can be for both of us because we share this. I have to learn. We have to learn. How can I truly look at myself apart from other people's presence and what they're thinking? And then how can I actually look at them and not be thinking about me?
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:18]:
How does that work?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:20]:
That is an area of growth. And so you can begin to think. I mean, seriously, you can begin to think in that way of. All right, what does a more inward look look like? And so I think about Jenny, right? So she's going to be agency inward. All right. I can model myself after her to some extent of on occasion to access this pathway to just look inwardly at myself and not be looking at myself in context of other people. In the same way, I can look at Blaine, who has a more agency, outward approach. Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:50]:
How can I model after him and look at the things going on in the world without a fixation on what's going on inside of me and how that relates?
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:59]:
Just like, being more present, I guess.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:01]:
Yeah. And literally, I always like the image of you take a flashlight and use that as an image of attention. Right. And we get to choose where we're placing attention. Well, if I'm. My attention is always back and forth. It's always. I want both of us in the spotlight because I want to see both of us.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:22]:
All right. What would it look like to take that attention and just turn it into my heart? I'm going to focus now solely on me in this moment. My heart, my condition, my mind, my standing before God and try to drown out the voices of other people and then on other things. All right. I'm going to fixate now on this outward thing that's out here and not think about myself. So I Think about this. I do a chaplaincy internship. I'm a senior in college.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:50]:
I do a chaplaincy internship, Baptist Medical Center, Oklahoma City. And so you have to go visit all these people, various people. I mean, first time I saw, watch somebody die, all these different kind of things, right? And one of my mentors there, one of the chaplains, I thought, gave some very good advice, and he said, kevin, the reason you're struggling with aspects of this. So if somebody wants me to come to their room, I'm all about it. We'll walk right in. But part of this is you're going door to door knocking, and walking in. Hated every aspect of that, because the last thing I want to be is. The last thing I want to be is a bother to this person.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:26]:
Yeah, same.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:27]:
And so we're standing outside of a room, and he said, kevin, here's what I want you to do. Whenever you go knock on that door, I want you to completely forget about yourself. Your perception, your reputation, what they think about you. I want you, as you enter in that room, to be solely fixated on them, not yourself. All right, well, that's a challenge, but it's a skill you can begin to learn. And when the mind starts creeping into, they don't like you. They don't want you here. They're irritated.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:53]:
They're frustrated. No, no, no. That's about me. Fixate on them right now. And so you can take that flashlight and begin to train yourself. And what neuroscientists are going to say is, wherever you shine that flashlight, your brain will begin to hook that pattern. Together, you will have more access to that more often. And so we can actually train ourselves to begin to look at the world in different ways.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:17]:
So you are both right. This is who I am. I can't change it. And also somewhat wrong in that you actually can change aspects of it, but not the way that Blaine wants you to. Blaine actually doesn't want you to change how you view the world. He needs you to view the world in that way because he doesn't view the world that way. And that's actually this great potential for strength if y'all can leverage that. However, if you're irritated at the way each other sees the world because you can see what they're missing by viewing it that way, then that can become a point of contention for you.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:49]:
And now you're trying to convince the other person to be something that just doesn't come natural to them and isn't even negative. His outward focus is a great thing. Your dyadic focus is a great thing. Let's leverage that for success instead of living in a misunderstanding of why can't you just. This is a better way. Why can't you just do it this way?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:10]:
Here's a great example of that. That was a success in our marriage was when you started to read Living Fearless. So she reads this book and it is really awakening of what? True confession.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:20]:
I'm sorry, I'm only familiar with fearless families. I don't understand what this.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:23]:
Sorry. A different book. Untitled. And immediately she had said, blaine, you need to go and tell all your friends that you're talking to and having coffees with. With the church about this, because it's going to help them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:36]:
I said, you need to read it for me. To help others.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:39]:
To help others. Right. So she was immediately looking about other people and herself. I then said that season was probably one of the most attractive seasons because she was starting to really discover herself and have this confidence in Jesus and just truly be herself and living fearlessly. Right. And not worrying about what everyone is thinking to a point where it's entrapped her to not try to do things right. So, yes, that's good. But, yes, we got to grow so that we can just go for it and live with abundance.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:09]:
But she saw the other people. I then took that skill. I read the book. I changed, yes. My life and that sort of thing. And. And I just started to talk to people about it. And it's changed a lot of people's lives now because of my, you know, personality is making it in contagious to think about this way.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:28]:
But it all stemmed from her. Right? So it's fun to see the same time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:32]:
And then going back to that, like, power struggle where I'm like, I told him about the book. Why is he having big impact?
Kevin Thompson [00:29:39]:
But y'all don't have power struggles.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:42]:
So maybe there's like. It was like a moment. It's not in our marriage.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:47]:
I totally get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:48]:
It was a thought.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:49]:
It is. No, absolutely. And so, yeah. So that is that idea of see me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:55]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:55]:
See the role I play in this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:56]:
Yes. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:57]:
Oh, absolutely.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:58]:
She is so torn with worshiping on stage because, you know, the appearance of what it. Because, like, I am authentically worshiping here. What if someone doesn't think that, therefore they think I'm fake?
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:10]:
Or, like, I think about what I wear so I'm not distracting people. Like, it's all these things. Even, like, comedy. I'm like, what do I wear? I want to look the part. I don't want to be distraction. I don't want people to think I'm all about what I look. I don't know. It's so many thoughts in my head.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:23]:
100%.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:24]:
And I look so good now because she's helped me see that. I never saw that before. I was always outward looking. You know, you're not. You gotta take care of yourself, Blaine. You gotta look the part.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:33]:
It's come a long way.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:34]:
I like the statement I look so good now, because.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:40]:
Thank you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:42]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:43]:
So here's what I do think is interesting. We're going back and forth between. Adrienne, which is your primary bent is an agency dyadic or bonding dyadic. I mean, that's really where my debate is internally. But here's what I like. I think it's bonding. So you're back to a three now that you think you're.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:59]:
I don't know. Well, maybe it is Adrienne.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:02]:
So agency would be nine, Bonnie would be three. But it is this idea. Let's say being a comedian requires you to express yourself as a three, whereas a lot of times you're a nine. Then I think what you can do as you do that, more and more you can begin to think of that mindset as you walk out on the stage. I'm gonna go achieve something. This is what I'm gonna go do. Right. Well, then the next thing you know, whenever you're in another setting, you can channel that same mindset, that same pathway in the same way that I walk out on the stage, I'm going to walk into this parent teacher conference.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:38]:
Right. Or whatever. And basically you're beginning to train yourself, how do I express myself down this pathway? And you can begin to access that in more than just the onstage kind of setting. I think about that sometimes because if I'm not careful, I can. In a room, I can disengage. And so I can just kind of fall into the background, which is totally fine. But sometimes that's not what a room needs from me. And so there are occasions in which I can just challenge myself.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:11]:
Okay, Kevin, if you had a microphone on right now, how would you act then? Put the metaphorical microphone on and go engage that person and go entertain that person and go get out of them. Make them feel valuable in what's going. Basically, what I'm saying is lose the perspective of yourself and go focus on them. Yes, but there's an area in my life where I can do that. And I think even those who are listening and watching right now, they can think about in different rooms. I do lead in different ways. Well, how can you leverage that now to say. Because ultimately, we want these nine pathways to be accessible to all of us at any moment where I can leverage them in a way that's best for whatever that room calls.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:58]:
Whatever that moment demands of us. And so to look at it in that way. Okay, let's go to another strength. I'm still torn by this. I wish I would have prepared both of them. All right. Potential strength, high energy, and high enthusiasm can come from this couple, because Blaine's adventurous spirit and Adrienne's creative pursuit can fuel a dynamic relationship full of excitement, whether in professional projects, in family, or just in shared interest.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:26]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:26]:
Yep.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:27]:
Yeah, that's cool. What does that look like?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:29]:
Does that look like.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:30]:
Babe, what does high energy look like from y'all?
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:33]:
We love to get a group of friends together and, like, just have a great time, go for dinner. I think. I don't. Now. I'm thinking about. I don't want to sound conceited or anything.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:48]:
She cares about you as a listener.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:52]:
I think that we drive a lot of. I think we are, like, the initiators. Like, I think, you know, it's the energy, maybe.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:02]:
Yeah, for sure. It's the energy that makes it happen, that makes the outing happen, that makes the event happen.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:06]:
And it's mostly him, actually. I might be like, hey, we should hang out with these. Da, da, da. And he'll be, like, texting right now.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:12]:
Well, see? But no, that's a perfect example.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:15]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:15]:
You are relationally aware.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:18]:
Yep.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:18]:
Right? He takes the action.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:21]:
Yes. That is our. That is our.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:22]:
And when y'all can leverage that and value that. Now, there are times in which you need to be relationally aware and you need to take the action.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:28]:
This last week.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:30]:
But there are times where that I.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:32]:
Was like, wait, we're gonna have a party. No, we're not. I don't need that party right now. So therefore, we're not gonna have the party.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:37]:
And I didn't want.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:38]:
Well, because that was the action, not the relational.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:40]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:41]:
She didn't need that in that moment.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:42]:
Well, and he didn't even ask me.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:43]:
No, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Sorry, Kevin. You didn't leverage the strength in the right way.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:48]:
Yep.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:49]:
That this has to be of each of your own volition, because notice what happened there is. He took your agency away.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:56]:
He did.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:57]:
He did. How dare he?
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:59]:
He did.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:01]:
How dare he? But notice, even if bonding is Your primary pathway, agency, still matters. Right. And so. But how can y'all leverage this strength in a positive way? It's when each of your own volition now, with permission, still having control over your own lives, now play your roles. And so what he did is he tried to play his role without you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:24]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:24]:
And that. No. It became very clearly communicated that was not going to happen. That is not acceptable.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:30]:
Well, I discovered. Or we didn't even talk about this. But what. As I am discovering, the answer to that party was no. Because this side of her life of we just moved, we're settling in the house. The kids are this, the kids are that. Guests are here. Da, da, da, da, da.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:44]:
All these thoughts are going in her head. An idea of a party is overwhelming. But I have already worked through my mind by that time. We're going to be fine. Therefore we'll have a party at that time. But I totally ignored the conversation. So, I mean, it kind of has been one of the key parts, I think, of a happy marriage for us in the last number of years is I've been a bit more in tune to that. And she will say, like, she's mad at me.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:10]:
And I'm like, what's really going on? Because you aren't mad at me, but something in your life is out of control, therefore you're acting over.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:17]:
Find out if it's agency bonding or certainty. He goes back to it.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:21]:
He just said it. He just said it. He just said, you're not mad at me. What's going on in your life that you feel out of control? That's agency.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:27]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:29]:
That's the very thing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:36:30]:
And it's really annoying because he's always like, why are you really mad? And I'm like. But it does. When I'm calmed down, it helps me. Okay. Yeah, you're right. I'm just feeling anxious because this feels out of control right now.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:42]:
But the benefit to her sake of our fighting quickly and, like, getting through it is we don't take each other all that serious. So therefore, when we start to, like, talk about what are you really mad about, we almost start to laugh because it's so ridiculous. It's so ridiculous that we're about to have a big fight because the laundry is bad Example, maybe, But, like, it's not done right. And therefore my life is out of control. But I'm going to laugh out at my husband. He goes away to agency.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:13]:
I love it. I'm realizing I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:16]:
I didn't even know what it was.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:17]:
To Begin with I didn't. When my house is messy, when my kids are going wild, it. I can't handle it. I need everything to be calm and I need to be in control.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:28]:
Yeah, yeah. No, that makes total.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:29]:
So if I rob her of her agency, that is going to embark a fight.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:34]:
Yes, absolutely.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:36]:
And then I get angry. Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:37]:
So I need her world to be in control.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:39]:
Oh, absolutely. And notice how those play in together. If you rob her of her agency, it is gonna disconnect you and lead to uncertainty.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:49]:
Which is why when we have people in the house, guests in the house, it's really hard for me. Cause I feel I have no control over my own home.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:55]:
Yes. Yes, yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:56]:
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:58]:
And this is just sometimes, not always. We love having people, but she doesn't.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:04]:
Have her own domain. And that's it. And here I am sitting and loving it. This is fun. Everybody's here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:09]:
Like everyone's here. We're having a good time. I can't walk around in my pajamas.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:13]:
But I'm living in my world where I don't care as much of the control. Right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:18]:
You also don't care what people think of you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:20]:
Did you say I was agency?
Kevin Thompson [00:38:21]:
You are. Okay. You are. But. Yeah, but how does it express itself a more outward. The issue that's getting her is the dyadic attention to the world. Your outward attention to the world. Your agency doesn't feel stripped in that moment.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:33]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:34]:
It's enhanced because you're really.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:35]:
The only one I'm ignoring is her actually her discomfort. Everyone else is fine.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:40]:
You heard it here.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:41]:
Yeah. This is fascinating.
Blaine Neufeld [00:38:43]:
I know. My mind is blown.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:45]:
We are changing the $250 an hour. Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:49]:
All right.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:50]:
So let's keep on going again. I'm still uncertain about some of these, but let's look at this. That there could be, if you're in an unhealthy spot, a reluctance toward vulnerability for both of you. That both may avoid vulnerability. Blaine through kind of a self reliance and Adrienne through more of a perfectionism. This can deepen emotional intimacy. This can prevent. I'm sorry.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:14]:
This can prevent deeper emotional intimacy and leave unresolved tension in the relationship.
Blaine Neufeld [00:39:20]:
You've never said anything more true.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:22]:
Oh, but unpack my stuff with the. We're always unpacking her. Let's unpack Blaine self. What was it?
Kevin Thompson [00:39:28]:
How inward self reliance. Normally he doesn't care.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:32]:
I don't care.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:33]:
This is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:33]:
But even here's a weird thought of Blaine's head is I don't care. I just want to Use me as an example.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:40]:
Oh yeah, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:40]:
Right. So I won't be embarrassed by this because I don't care.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:43]:
Yeah. Because you're completely unaware of your inward.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:46]:
Right, right.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:48]:
You clearly don't have a dyadic view.
Blaine Neufeld [00:39:51]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:51]:
Who cares?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:52]:
It's just outward.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:53]:
That's just outward.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:54]:
It's going to make someone else happier.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:56]:
That's. I mean that is the ultimate. I love what an agency outward person would do. Like let's just make this, let's make the changes that we need to make. Who cares? Let the chips fall where they may.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:05]:
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm self reliant.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:07]:
So if you're, if you're SC of, if you're, if you're not careful, you can become so self reliant that you actually don't bring in the vulnerability of what's going on because you can, you can make things happen, you can achieve things and challenge things and accomplish things and all those things that you're never really recognizing your own sadness.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:28]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:29]:
Never willing to admit your own fear.
Blaine Neufeld [00:40:31]:
Which is maybe when you had panic attacks.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:33]:
Yeah. Well. Or like there is some sort of this seated root of loneliness in my life. Right. And so therefore I'm always excited to cover that up with fun. Right. So like I said before, silence and solitude is a scary thought of mine. Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:51]:
But why is that? Right. Because if I'm not self reliant and if I can't control at all. Agency. Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:58]:
Agency.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:59]:
Therefore I won't. I can't. Yeah. I can't rely on God enough. I'm going to take care of this myself.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:06]:
So here's where the fear of the silence and solitude is. It is an outward attention to the world. So where you can grow is by having a more inward tendency on occasion. You're afraid to go there. You don't want to go there. It doesn't come naturally. It just doesn't come naturally to you to think about your own emotions, your own experiences, those kind of things just doesn't come naturally to you. And so how can you begin to leverage what an agency, inward person, their viewpoint.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:40]:
What does that look like? So befriend a one in your life and begin to figure out how do they view this world. So again, Jenny, you need to become friends with Jenny and just figure out how does she see the world. Well, that's interesting. How can I begin to apply that to my own life? Think about you talked in the previous episode. Getting to know somebody with a certainty, inward approach. How there's so much going on underneath the Surface, and you drew it out of them. All right. Begin to hang out with them a little bit more and figure out and see how they're seeing the world, because they see it in a radically opposite way from you.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:15]:
Nobody ever has to guess what's going on in your life. It just flows right. Well, this person, it's all pent up, and it's there, accessible whenever anybody wants to access it. Begin to figure out, what does that look like? And begin to ask yourself, all right, what are the areas in my life in which I actually express myself in that way? Right. If Adrienne has this pathway now of bonding, dyadic, if that's possible, then she is going to have an inward kind of channeling of any sense of sadness or shame. But that's an inward kind approach. And so maybe she can help you. She can leverage her dyadic view.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:54]:
She can leverage half of it. Half of it. You're going to understand the outward. You're going to understand. She can leverage the inward part of that for you to begin to comprehend. Oh, okay, so how does that work exactly? So I think that's what's happening is whenever you. The quietness, the stillness, the sadness, the reason you struggle to go there is because of your outward tendency to the world. How can we begin to leverage these other.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:16]:
Even. Even somebody with a dyadic view. Half of that I don't get.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:21]:
Help me, because I'm not afraid of vulnerability. I feel like I'm very vulnerable. But I do think I spin it in a way that it's almost like it is outward facing, so therefore I don't have to shoulder it. I'll just pass that on. Right. I'll push it away, but I don't solve it.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:37]:
You will leverage vulnerability to help others, not to actually deal with yourself. Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:44]:
And I avoid vulnerability. Yeah, that's true. I don't like it. Never have.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:49]:
Yeah, yeah. Because you're so aware as you're vulnerable about the other person.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:53]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:54]:
How's that making them feel?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:55]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:43:55]:
Because when people cry, it makes me uncomfortable.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:58]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:59]:
I just want her to cry. Like, I want her to watch a movie, and just then I won't watch.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:03]:
Movies that make me cry because I do not enjoy that.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:06]:
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:44:07]:
And I want her to Tell her. Tell me what you feel like. Just tell me, you know, but it's tough.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:11]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:12]:
All right, let me give you two strengths, and you pick one. Two weaknesses, and you pick one, because we're almost out of time. We'll go two weaknesses, challenges first one is pace of life, and the other one is overwhelming personality. So pace of life, Blaine's high energy, fast paced approach and Adrienne's constant pursuit of achievement and personal relationships may result in burnout or relational neglect. They need to prioritize rest and slower, intentional moments of connection.
Blaine Neufeld [00:44:44]:
Yeah, we do.
Kevin Thompson [00:44:45]:
Okay. We may not need to even hear the other one. Let me give you the other one. That Blaine's intensity and Adrienne's kind of private charm can dominate their environment, making it hard for others and sometimes even each other to feel truly seen or valued without balance. This dynamic could alienate them from deeper relational ties. No, no, no. Okay, Pace of life. Yeah, we're going.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:09]:
Pace of life. So what does that look like for y'all?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:12]:
What it looks like is it looks.
Kevin Thompson [00:45:13]:
Like you've moved a lot lately.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:15]:
We've moved.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:16]:
Not even necessarily. Well, okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:18]:
It looks like that when it's our anniversary, we're like, who can we hang out with?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:21]:
Yeah, we.
Blaine Neufeld [00:45:23]:
We will put our relationship kind of on the back burner so that we can just have fun with. Oops. With other people.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:45:32]:
And I would say almost more so on the like. So the ministry side is scary because ministry is a bottomless pit of you could go and see a billion people and still not see enough and help everybody and all this other thing. So every single Sunday, we had four families come over for lunch, and we had a great time. And I'm feeling like we're doing some great things and making a lot of connections. She is exhausted at home. She is like, when are we actually going to hang out as a family? Did you forget about us? Oh, we're having. We're together. Oh, yeah, we're having a great, great time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:04]:
Kids are having fun. And it was actually my kids that said, dad, can we not do that? I was like, what? I thought we were all having fun because I'm thinking about all these other people. And she's like, yeah, we need to set boundaries where it's twice a month. Right. Versus four times a month. And this, you know, we got to do something for us. So we started to do that, and I think our internal happiness as a family went sky high. Therefore, those other weeks were awesome.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:31]:
Them even better.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:32]:
Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:32]:
Because then they're like, oh, when are we going to have the fun again? Because they're refueled up.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:35]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:36]:
Where I. My fuel tank is always.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:38]:
It's always full.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:39]:
And they're, you know, they're. They're hurting and they're saying, well, what. What about just chilling on the couch? Right. Then my problem is. No, we got to keep going guys. Come on. It's best for you to just keep going. But it's not because I'm not inwardly focused.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:46:52]:
Yeah, question mark.
Kevin Thompson [00:46:53]:
No. So, yeah, no, that's interesting. And I think even we're beginning to touch on some things too with our kids. We do not want to begin to label them in any way of oh well, this kid's a four and this kid's a seven and we don't want to do that at all because if we're not careful, that can become almost a label on them that they'll begin to self fulfill.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:47:16]:
Interesting.
Kevin Thompson [00:47:16]:
But we can begin to ask questions of whenever we're tempted to try to get our kid to see something in a different way, whenever we're trying to get them to be different than what they actually are, we can begin to go, oh, I wonder here if maybe the kids might have this dyadic view like their mom. And so some of this can be exhausting for them. And so even if it's good for us, it may not be good for them. So what is a pace of life that we as a family can create? It's not that we can't do the fun, we clearly can and be outward focused with other people. It's what's the rhythm and the pattern that becomes healthy for us. And sometimes it's not just us, it's also them as well. Right? Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:47:59]:
The agency, bonding and certainty really opens it up to not pigeonhole people into those spots. When I think about our kids and certainty of one of our kids, of knowing what is about to happen when they play a certain game with certain people and the rules and when that gets, gets deviated, it's chaos, it's anger. It's anger. Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:22]:
So it's like explosion.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:48:24]:
Yeah, it's fun. It's fun because you talk about marriage, getting to know myself so I can best serve her. Getting to know her, getting to know our kids the best way possible to serve them to their maximal potential.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:35]:
No question. Give me one big takeaway from today. One thing you learned today, that you're like, oh, wow, I've never even thought about that. But this, this kind of makes some sense about me or us.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:48]:
I don't know. I'm over.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:51]:
Well, and that's welcome to change the 45 minutes of nothing. Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:48:57]:
I feel like it's just like a lot to process.
Kevin Thompson [00:48:58]:
Yeah, that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:49:00]:
But also like the strengths. I mean obviously I'm glass half full, but to see how much she value or how much she impacts our team success of reaching our full potential versus me trying to do it all and be important and bring everybody along to strengthen her strength so that we're just jiving at the right. Oh, my gosh, let's rock and roll. Right. Because her potential will be reached, too.
Kevin Thompson [00:49:27]:
I love the idea for every couple if we can recognize, if we can individually pursue after healthiness and then have this curiosity about ourselves first of all, and then this deep appreciation for one another. There's actually a formula in here for extreme success that God has uniquely wired the two of us and brought us together in a way that we can leverage that now to maximize some strengths that on our own, we can never have. Now, that comes with some challenges we got to navigate through. No question about it. But to see the potential that's within this, that's so much greater than what either of us could be individually. I think that's the cool aspect.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:50:08]:
Yeah. And I get so excited about striving versus working on challenges or working on, you know, or trying to fix. It's like, no, we're setting the bar higher now. Right. We're trying to achieve something because, yeah, God knew that we were going to be together. Clearly, there's a reason for it. Let's find it, and let's rock and roll.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:26]:
Yeah. Yeah. I love it. We're going to continue on this pattern of just some. Some basic kind of foundational pieces of. As we look at married life and family and all those kind of things. And I don't know if it's the next episode, but pretty soon going to talk about attachment. What does that look like? How is it that our first couple years of life actually impact your marriage today, even though you don't have any explicit memory of that first year or two that's coming up, because it's the greatest impact, unseen impact on your relationship.
Kevin Thompson [00:50:57]:
All right. Hey, thanks so much for joining us. Don't forget, marriage and family never meant to be a game of chance. Let's go out and change the odds. We'll see you next time.