Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey, welcome back to Change the Odds, the podcast where marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Kevin Thompson here with just Adrienne.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:06]:
Hello.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:06]:
No, Blaine.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:07]:
I know. I feel like a little bit like I don't have my support blanket.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:11]:
Oh, I like this. Now we get the truth.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:13]:
Okay, here we go.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:15]:
Blaine tends to dominate. You know that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:17]:
I know. I let him, though.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:18]:
Now it's not gonna happen.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:19]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:20]:
All right, so here's what I really want to know. He's working right now is what he's doing. What is the wife's perspective as a non golfer? Although you're playing a little bit, but he's definitely the golfer.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:31]:
He's the golfer.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:32]:
So what's it like from a wife's perspective? What greatly irritates you, golf wise? And then what is really not that big of a deal, but maybe you pretend like it is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:41]:
Oh, yeah, there's a bit of that. It's just so long. It's like, it just takes up so much time. And then it's like, oh, you got to go be with your friends for like, six to eight hours and hang out while I was with the kids.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:54]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:54]:
You know, I love my kids, but it's like, I can't. I don't have a hobby where I can, like, take six to eight hours multiple times a week.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:02]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:03]:
And just do whatever.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:04]:
I want to know what Blaine is actually doing. Because golf does not take six to eight hours. That. It is not that long at all.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:10]:
Well, that's an issue for me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:12]:
Is he playing two rounds?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:14]:
But 18. 18 holes takes four max.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:17]:
For 18 holes, four hours. You.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:20]:
You should not be going longer than four hours for racing holes. Well, and then you got lunch.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:24]:
I know. And then there's always like, oh, the guys are gonna hang out after. Go to the clubhouse.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:28]:
No, no, no. Nay, nay. Not when the kids are little.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:31]:
I just. It just bothers me that, like, I don't have a thing like that.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:35]:
If he did have a thing, would he make space for it?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:38]:
He'd have to.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:39]:
Okay, then that's on you. That's not on you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:43]:
I don't think there's anything I love that much.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:46]:
No, that's very fair. That's.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:47]:
No.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:47]:
So that is an issue, because I do know a lot of guys who, man, if their wife had a hobby or whatever, they'd be all about it. How can I make time? Trade off? It'd be great. And then I hear a lot of wives go, but there's nothing I really wanna do.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:00]:
Like, I don't Wanna rock climb? I feel like that could take like four hours a day.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:04]:
It depends on how well you did it. Yeah, it could take longer.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:08]:
Yeah. I don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:09]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:09]:
It's a real.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:10]:
Let's work on that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:11]:
Yeah, let's think of something.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:12]:
Okay. Over these next 12 weeks, we can do that. We're kicking off a new series today. Ooh, that's exactly right. We're becoming friends, partners and lovers. We're not just friends, partners, lovers, we're becoming.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:23]:
All right, so Adrienne, here's what we.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:25]:
Got going on with 500 of our closest friends. You, me and Blaine are starting to gather on Wednesday nights and we're going over this guidebook, becoming friends, partners and lovers, available@changetheodds.com and so over these next 12 weeks, what we're going to do is we're going to take the talk that I give, 25, 30 minute talk that I give there on Wednesday nights in the worship center, bayside Granite Bay, and we're gonna listen to that and then you and I are gonna have a discussion coming out of that. So this is the initial discussion over this idea of we're all becoming something. What is it that you are becoming? You have to be intentional about that. So let's go into the worship center, Bayside Granite Bay and hear this talk on becoming friends, partners and lovers.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:07]:
It's so great to see you tonight. What an honor it is to be back with you and to be focused on these topics. Listen, we all come from different backgrounds, experience. Some are dating, some are engaged, some are exploring the relationship that they want to have. Others been married for a long period of time. But all of us, I think, can garner from some time set aside to look at what is one of the most important relationships that we have in life. And so my base kind of marriage foundational material is this idea of friends, partners and lovers. And this new guidebook now takes that concept and then brings to it some new information and some exercises of how to move forward.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:48]:
So we are generally going to go through this book. Those of you who know me well know that I will chase a thousand different rabbits away from this. But tonight we're going to. In this first session, for the next 20 minutes, we're going to look primarily at page 9 there at the introduction. And then during the second session, we're going to cover what is the first session of the book, of this idea of. Of intention. But today, for this first 20 minutes, I want us to kind of basically have a refresher for some of you that have been around Bayside for a while, have heard me, and then for others of you, this is going to be brand new material, but it really is going to set the foundation of what we're trying to talk about tonight. So this idea of becoming friends, partners and lovers, I want you to consider if you are married, and I want you to consider what was it like to stand at the end of the aisle, to make those earthly vows to one another.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:45]:
If you're dating or engaged, imagine what it's going to be like. And in that moment, what is it that you wanted? What did you desire? Because here's the truth. I've done hundreds of weddings, probably 350 to 400 weddings, and to my knowledge, I've never had a groom and a bride stand there. And for the groom to be thinking in his mind that a day is going to come in which I'm going to come home every day from work, not say a word to you, slide into the recliner for the next three hours, and then go to bed and where you have no connection whatsoever. I've never met a single groom in which that was the intention. And yet I've dealt with a lot of relationships in which that is what it became. I'd never met a single bride who.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:34]:
Thought to herself, man, we're going to.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:36]:
Have some great fun for a little bit, but a day is going to come in which literally I'm going to despise him because of who we've become. Nobody sets out. This is one of the reasons I love married life ministry, I think, because we all desire this basic same thing. We want to be known and seen and valued and loved, and we have these needs that are within us and we desire to have that with somebody else. I think rare is the occasion in which maybe you might have somebody with some narcissistic tendencies who comes into the relationship with ill intent. But that is rare is the case. Far more often is the scenario in which you have a genuine bride and groom who desperately want to create a life together that's meaningful and happy and beautiful and adds to their life and sustains them in the midst of the hardships and the very difficult times. And yet, for whatever reason, for so many people, it just doesn't work out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:37]:
And yet I think it is possible for many. Not for all, but I think it is possible for many, for us to experience something far better than what we have experienced. And then beyond that, my ultimate goal here at Bayside Married Life Ministry, our ultimate goal, to change the odds. It's not to just get people to survive. What would it look like to flourish? What would it look like to live this abundant life that Jesus promises to us, to live that out in the midst of our marriage? What would it look like over in Psalm chapter one, where it talks about a spiritual life now, like a tree planted by streams of water? What would it look like if our relationships were such a nourishment to us, that it replenished us to an extent, that it propelled us out in this world feeling now worthy and valuable, first and foremost because of what God has done for us. But then because of this connection that we have with each other, that we can face the hardships of life with a confidence that we can have a joy now no matter what the circumstances are around us, because of what we created with each other. I honestly believe that your marriage, that can be much better than what you and I tend to experience if we are willing now to make that happen. So let's begin with a very basic question tonight.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:52]:
What are you becoming? There's an implication, even in the title of this guidebook that you and I are in progress, that marriage is not this very stoic, kind of stable thing, that whenever it occurs, that is what we are, and that is forever what we are. Instead, we are always in the midst of movement. There is always change and transformation that is taking place. There is good and bad changes that are going on. We're aging, right? Hopefully we're growing. We're understanding. Hopefully we're learning each other. But we also have hurt experiences.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:27]:
Our hearts are adapting to how we navigate around those things. We are in a state of constant flux. And so without any intervention from this moment on, based solely on the decisions you are making generally and consistently throughout your week, what direction are you headed? It's a great way to just immediately kind of have a reflection on your marriage. If neutral is not an option, are you headed toward a deeper connection or are you slowly drifting away from the opposite of that? Are you headed toward a place where you can see we're gonna love better, we're gonna love more? There's an exciting time that is ahead. We've come through a lot of things, and now there is an excitement of what lies ahead, or are you going the opposite way? And to begin to ask those questions of what is it that you are actually becoming? And to see that you are in a process at this moment, and are you headed the direction that you want to head? If you are, okay, great. Then this class is going to give us some tools of how to maybe propel faster in that direction or show us some things that, left to our own devices, we wouldn't understand what's actually important. Or if you're not, this is going to be actual opportunity over these next six weeks to wake up, to maybe have some introspection of how are we making some poor choices and then begin to head in the right direction and maybe even find the resources of where we need to go next. So I want us to review and to remind ourselves of what is the basic concept of friends, partners, and lovers.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:05]:
And so we have various people in the room. Some people, their spouses can't be here because they're working. Others are single, those kind of things. So feel no shame whatsoever if your spouse isn't here. But if your significant other is with you, I want you to stand up and to take them by the hand and then face this way. If your significant other is not with you, do not grab anybody by the hand. That would be extremely awkward. Okay, so stand, hand, hold each other's hands.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:42]:
Look, we're already making improvements.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:43]:
Look at that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:45]:
Hand to hand. And you're faced this way. So this is the picture now of friendship. This is the idea of we're walking together through life side by side. It's not that one is way out in front or the other is lagging behind. It's not that one is lording over the other or the other is having to duck down in submission. It's that literally, I tell Jenny all the time, we are walking equally ignorant through life. And it's the.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:13]:
It's not like one's the expert and one's not the expert. It's not that. It's that we're just walking together. And no matter how long you've been married, you're still walking in ignorance because you have not faced tomorrow yet. And you haven't been the couple you are in the past that you are right now. So I tell people all the time, Jenny and I know what it takes to be married 24 years.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:33]:
We.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:33]:
We're figuring out what it takes to be married 25. And we face tomorrow now with this great sense of hope, but we're doing it equally ignorant together. And I love the image of holding hands. It comes from the old idea of shaking hands. Remember, shaking hands used to come from this idea of a way to show that we are unarmed, that if I were to shake your hand, my hand is empty. It doesn't have a gun. It doesn't have a sword. Right? Now if you shake a guy's hand from Arkansas.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:59]:
It just means he's carrying it on the left. But. But it shows I'm unarmed. You and I need to be unarmed in our relationships. But get this, there's some of us that can't be because our significant other is actually a danger and a threat to us. And so there's not that trust. We can't be unarmed, but if that's the case, that's a danger. But there's also some of us who are bringing arms into the relationship and we actually don't have to.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:30]:
It's from a past experience, it's from our family of origin, it's from some other hurt, and it's not our spouse's fault what has happened. And yet we approach them in these intimate relationships as we have other relationships, and we assume that they're there to harm us. That literally relationships could be transformed if we would simply set the swords down and begin to take our spouse's hand again. And so this is built on. Now friendship is built on the idea of trust. Trust. It means I know that I can set my heart out on the table and Jenny's going to treat it right. She knows that she can set her heart out on the table and I'm going to treat it right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:08]:
Not with perfection, but even whenever we make a mistake, we know how we're going to handle that mistake, that it's going to hurt us, it's going to break us, we're going to repent, we're going to learn, we're not going to repeat it again. Because the most important I can possibly handle on a regular basis is my wife's heart. And if I don't treat it right, who will? And then what will happen? So this idea of trust now is so integral, such foundational work to this idea of what it means to be friends. And notice this, when your relationship is good in this lonely world, your relationship is good. You are walking through life. There is always somebody by your side. That's the possibility of marriage. Now turn back to back.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:56]:
So this now is the image, a partnership that I can scan the horizon 180 degrees this way looking for threats and opportunities. And Jenny can scan the horizon 180 degrees this way looking for threats and opportunities. And if she needs me, she can call my attention and we can zero in on what's going on. If I need her, I can call her attention. We can zero in on what's going on. Most of the time, we're divided in our lives. I'm taking care of what I'm supposed to take care of. She's taking care of what she's supposed to take care of.
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:25]:
And notice now this partnership multiplies our abilities. Left my own devices, I can only cover about 180 degrees. And there's a whole lot of issues that I won't know how to handle. But now with Jenny, not only do we have a 360 degree view of our lives, that my strengths are now doubled. Because if she has a strength and I have a weakness, guess what? I really don't have a weakness anymore. Cause in our relationship, she can just handle that in the same way if she has a weakness, but that's a strength of mind. She really doesn't have that weakness anymore because I can now handle that. And in the midst of a strong partnership, now your strengths are multiplied and your weaknesses are divided.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:03]:
And whenever it comes to partnership, this is now built on respect. It's the idea that I respect what's inside this other person. That they have skills and understandings that I don't have. They have insights and thoughts that are valuable to me. That there are ways that I'm going to submit to this person, they're going to submit to me. Because we respect so much who they are. But notice this, in this relationship, what is full of such potential, where you can cover things I'm not even aware of, the most dangerous place to get is when there is such lack of respect and trust that I'm now having to watch my back, afraid that the very person who's supposed to have my back might become a danger to me. And yet, in the midst of a healthy relationship in this world that can so easily backstab you, Isn't it great to know that somebody has your back? Now turn face to face.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:12]:
This now is what intimacy is all about. That you now have somebody who sees you. They see you in a way that nobody else sees you. And yes, the physical component is very real and it is very important. But in part, it is almost just a metaphor for. For some much deeper realities. Not only do we now expose ourselves physically to each other, we expose ourselves mentally and spiritually and emotionally. And so Jenny sees me in a way that nobody else would actually see me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:47]:
And I am supposed to be vulnerable now. Intimacy is built on vulnerability. In the same way friendship is built on trust. Partnership is built on respect. Intimacy is now built on vulnerability. And I have to be willing to let the guard down. Not only do I remove clothing from things that it would be inappropriate for me to show you, I can now show Jenny in the exact same way, there are elements, emotionally, mentally, spiritually that I might keep hidden from you. But I now expose to her and in the concept now of this imperfect love.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:16]:
But in the concept of love, now I have the ability to not only expose those areas of my life, but God can actually transform me. But that transformation happens in the context of love. And notice how important it is here. You should never be vulnerable with somebody you can't trust and respect. Because if you're not guaranteed that they're going to treat you right, you can't reveal that to them. And yet, where trust and respect is actually present now, a vulnerability can begin to grow. And in this world in which it's so easy to be unseen, unheard, unvalued, unloved, overlooked, pushed to the side, not concerned about, in a healthy relationship, you are guaranteeing that somebody will always see you and love you. And let me ask you this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:07]:
If you have somebody who's by your side, who has your back, who sees you and loves you, what more do you need out of this relationship? It's that. And as long as we have those components, I think we can face anything that comes our way. But if any single one of those areas is weak, it will begin to have a ripple effect into every other area. Go ahead and have a seat. Now, some of you who were here three years ago, you're like, Kevin, I've heard all that. Like dance monkey. Don't you have anything new? But one, no, I don't. But two, here's the thing about friend, partner and lover and why I love it so much.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:01]:
Being friends, partners and lovers is not something you figure out in your first two years of marriage and then you're done with it. Instead, it should be something that you are continually pursuing after. And to recognize that even what that means might be different in different stages of marriage. And that friendship matures over time. It takes on a different look and a feel that demands a partnership, which ultimately. Partnership. We'll look at this in a couple weeks. Ultimately, partnership is going to be about making each other's dreams come true.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:34]:
But it's also about paying the bills and making the house work and raising the kids. And all throughout the life spectrum. Now, the demands that are upon your partnership are changing. So Ella's away at college now. Silas has his driver's license. What it means for Jenny and I to be partners in this stage of life looks radically different than just three years ago, whenever we first moved here. And then this concept of intimacy, while some foundational concepts are the same. It changes over time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:01]:
Of what intimacy looks like and feels like and how you experience it and how to best understand each other. And so this idea of friend, partner and lover is not something you get right one time and we're done. Let's move on to the next book. It really is this concept of a continual revisiting of, okay, where are we? How is our friendship at this moment? What does our partnership look like? Where is our intimacy, which is far more than just sex. It's a total concept of life itself. And so it's a question you can begin to think about in your own mind. You can reflect on what has been, no doubt, maybe you can look forward to what is going to be. But where are you right now, tonight, in this very night? How do you rank your friendship? If you were just to kind of give it a 1 to 10 score? What about your partnership? Where are you? What are some improvements that can be made? What is it that you really appreciate? And then whenever it comes to intimacy, both in the bedroom and outside of it, what does that look like for you? And what are the areas that you're really strong in? And, man, let's build on that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:05]:
But then what are the areas that you're in? The new season of life, and you don't know what the demands are? And how can we figure it out? What does this now look like for us? And how could that actually assist our relationship? Instead of just naturally kind of drifting and seeing, hey, what's gonna happen? We don't know. So Jenny and I. Seriously? Silas got his driver's license, I don't know, a year ago, a month ago, six weeks ago, something like that. And now, with this great deal of intention, she and I are trying to feel out and to experience this new season of life where we don't have to shuttle him everywhere all the time. And Ella's away at college, and so now there's this freedom. Chances are an hour and a half from now, I'll be at dinner with my wife. Praise the Lord. But it's a new season.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:49]:
But if she and I does not. If we do not use intention in that, we can't just assume that we will drift toward good habits. As a matter of fact, we can fairly assume that without intention, we will actually drift toward bad habits. And the season will change. We won't even recognize it. And that change of season can actually hurt our relationship. What season are you in at this moment? And what is it that's now demanded of you as friends, partners and lovers that Maybe you haven't experienced in the past. And here's the thing, we're all becoming something.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:24]:
So what is it that you are becoming? Let's kind of look now at some alternatives that if you don't become friends, partners and lovers with intention, you probably will become one of these other things. And these are not in the guidebook. This is the bonus material that you've all paid for by being here tonight. So what are some options of things that we become if we're not friends, partners and lovers? One of them is roommates. So we just start kind of living these parallel lives with each other. There's not a lot of close emotional connection. It is strongly just kind of a partnership with a little bit of friendship, with probably no intimacy whatsoever. Or even if we are physically intimate, there's probably not an emotional intimate connection with that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:11]:
Roommates can be a very real reality. Another one is business partners. So we are incorporated together now as husband and wife. But instead of operating like friends, partners and lovers and getting all the benefits that can actually come from that, we are now just strategically business partners in which we're prioritizing now productivity and efficiency and managing the household, but neglecting who we actually are as people. Now, good business partners care about each other, but they don't have to. You can actually have a very good business relationship with very little small talk, very little personal talk, and whatever the task is before you, you're just each doing your part. That's not how you want to function in marriage. Another option is just co parents.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:59]:
If you allow the kids to become the absolute centerpiece in everything of the marriage. Now, they are very important, no doubt, but if they become everything, your primary role can be lost as a husband and a wife, and it can become a parent. And what defines you the most and what defines you most as a couple is that we are now co parenting to such an extent that nearly every conversation rallies around the kids and what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. And it's all about them. And the next thing you know, we've kind of lost sense of who we are. Another option would be adversaries that we actually become opponents in the marriage. And we see the other as a threat and they see us as a threat. And so it's almost a daily battle of how can I overcome this one I'm fighting with.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:44]:
A fifth one is strangers. And what makes strangers so difficult is this person you once knew, now you no longer know. And the heartache that comes from that. Not only not knowing truly who they are, but the idea that, you know, they don't know who you are either. And some of this is a byproduct of just assumptions. Instead of growing together and still exploring who each other is, we just assume we know the other person. And unbeknownst to us, the other person has actually changed in the same way that we have changed. But we haven't kept on understanding and updating who they actually are to understand who we are as well.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:20]:
And the next thing you know, we just don't know each other. The sixth one is obligated companions. It's just almost out of this sense of duty, of social expectation, especially in the church world where divorce is frowned upon. And I get that. But instead of loving each other, well, instead of living a relationship with another person in light of what God has done for us, trying to give to them all these things that God has given to us and share with them our happiness, and they share with us their happiness. And we're going through life together. It can literally be this idea. We made this vow a long time ago, and by golly, we're just going to live it out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:55]:
And there's almost a sense of contempt that's there, which leads into the concept, for some, it's prisoners. Some people honestly feel imprisoned by their relationship and they just don't know even how to get out of it. For others, it is this idea of victim and villain. And so every single day is like a trial in which you're trying to prove how the other person is the bad guy and they're trying to prove how you're the bad person. Because if the marriage isn't right, clearly one of you is wrong, and it has to be them. It can't be me. And the next thing you know, this relationship goes off a different way scale. Another one is a nurse in a purse that got a laugh from a certain section of the room.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:45]:
And so while there are these seasons of life in which one is a caregiver, there's no question about that. And both of us should be willing to do that. And part of making a vow to the other is if life demands that of us, we are willing to do that. But it's a whole different situation when life forces upon us to be the primary giver, as opposed to our spouse simply checks out of their responsibilities, and all that now is placed upon us. I didn't understand how big of a deal this was until Blaine and Adrienne and I have a podcast called Change the Odds. And I just kind of Riffed on this the other day and we put a video out there and it has 400,000 views. But not just that, it has about 1800 comments. And 100 of them are men saying this is trash.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:34]:
And 1700 of them are women saying this is absolutely true. And what happens is the relationship becomes so one sided, primarily where the woman is serving the man, but the man is not bringing anything to the table. And that's not what marriage is meant to be. And then another option, these aren't all inclusive, but is parent child. So in a parent child relationship, one is taking responsibility and the other is acting as a child would, assuming the other is going to take care of everything. And the next thing you know, the balance and the scale of what's going on is shifted to where the one playing the role of the parent is always having to check up to make sure the other person is doing what they're supposed to do and literally becomes like the mom or the dad and having if rules are violated, there's punishments that have to be there. It might be the silent treatment, it might be no intimacy that's going to happen. It might be that I yell and scream as you have to suffer and listen to that kind of thing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:29]:
But the other spouse is not taking responsibility for the relationship and literally the balance is being thrown off. Just look at the list. Do you want any of that? No. Now, recognize, I get the idea that there might be seasons in which life forces some things to happen. But by and large, what is available to us is either we can intentionally become friends, partners and lovers, or we will drift into one of those 10 things. And so let me ask you again, the way we started earlier. What are you becoming? Not what are you right now, but if your relationship is the byproduct of the decisions that you're making right now is who you're going to be five years from now, then just based on how you've made choices in the last two weeks, which of these are you on your way to being if it's not friend, partner and lover? And I can very honestly say you just need to reject all these and instead begin to ask the question, okay, how can we create a trust, a respect and a vulnerability to such an extent that we have a friendship where I know you love me and you're for me, that we have a partnership where each of us are taking care of differing responsibilities, but together we are far greater together than what we would ever be on our own and with an equal work ethic and concept and passion. But Differing skills and abilities.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:57]:
Man, we make a great team. And then how can I know that you see me and you love me? And how can you know that I see you and I love you? And what I'm offering to you is a gratitude, a compassion, a well being where literally I'm willing to leverage not only my physical body, but also my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit now to you and for your well being. And we do so in such a reciprocal way that we both feel a gratitude for one another and for what God has actually given to us. I just hope you understand. I get there are aspects of your lives and your relationships that I can't fully comprehend. And there are things that many of you have gone through that Jenny and I have never gone through and I pray we never do. And you wouldn't pray for us to go through those things either. But I do hope you understand that I see a lot and I deal with a lot of couples and a lot of relationships and a lot of problems.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:58]:
And rare is the case in which this is not true. If you will take two people with a dogged determinism who are willing to do whatever it takes to understand what's going on with themselves and each other and the patterns they have and to learn new skills and create new attachments, to forgive and to love and to be vulnerable and to rebuild trust and to develop a deep respect and to have a vulnerability that there simply is no limit of what that couple can do. Because here's the truth. You've heard me tell the story before. One of the very first days I was here, I go through Chick Fil A and I have a Bayside shirt on. And in Chick Fil A the person who's there outside is probably 22, 23. And she goes, oh, do you work at Bayside? And I said, yes, I do. I'm the married life pastor.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:49]:
And she goes, oh, so you're a marriage counselor? I said, no, no, no, I don't, I don't do that. We have that, but I don't do that. We have our care center. That's great. She goes, well, what do you do? I said, well, that's what my wife asks all the time. Like, what do you do? Right? And so I said, well, I'm just trying to help people experience that. I said, imagine this. Think about a 90 year old couple who's been married all these years.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:10]:
First marriage, maybe it's 70 years. Second marriage, maybe it's 40 years. And they're rocking out their last days on the nursing home. Front porch. Do you notice how whenever anybody looks at them, nobody feels any pity over what they missed out on because of the constraints of this relationship. But instead, that's what we all want, is that I said, I help people get that. And she said, where can I sign up? Because that's what we want. And I don't know how long you have.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:46]:
For some in this room, it is a very long time. For others of us, it could be a very short time. And most of us are somewhere in between. But here's what I know. If you make choices today that cause you and your partner to love each other better, so that whenever that day comes, you are holding each other's hands as one of you slips into eternity, there will be no regret whatsoever if you have chosen to love each other well. But if you aren't there because of your choices, or if you are there and there is not a trust, a respect and a vulnerability, it will be a sorrow heaped upon a sorrow. Because the fact of the matter is we all want somebody who's by our side, who has our back, who sees us and loves us completely.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:31]:
And we're back. Okay, so now we know. Now we know what it means to become friends, partners, lovers.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:35]:
I feel better.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:36]:
You need nothing else. Okay. So we talked about this idea of a growth mindset, a continual investment, flexibility, all those kind of things. We did. The whole illustration of friend, partner, and lover, which I've done all over the country, it really does drive it home for people as they're standing side by side with their spouse, back to back, and then face to face. An interesting thing that happens that did not happen here, that has happened all over the country, is anytime I have couples stand face to face, almost always I lose them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:07]:
So I'm talking to them.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:08]:
They're side by side, they're back to back. Everybody's fully engaged. They go face to face, and it's like I'm not even there anymore.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:13]:
Right. Because they just get distracted with each other.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:15]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:16]:
It didn't happen this time.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:17]:
It didn't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:17]:
Uh.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:18]:
Oh, that's a bit of an issue.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:21]:
I'm worried about our people. I don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:23]:
So I always make the point whenever that. Whenever I do lose them, I always make the point of, look. We don't look each other in the eye often enough.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:28]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:29]:
Especially as spouses, we just. We just kind of lose it. But I think everybody. I used to do that back in my former life in Arkansas. I did corporate training outside of kind of the church work, and I did A lot of work with banks. And I would always tell bank tellers, look, I would ask them, what's your number one job? And many times they would answer to answer the customer's problems and solve their problems as quickly as possible. I'm like, nope, nope. If somebody wanted that done, they could go through the drive thru.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:55]:
Why does somebody actually come in? They come in oftentimes because they need human connection. So actually your number one job is to look them in the eye and have that human connection. And then if you solve their problem quickly or not, it probably isn't going to matter as much as that kind of thing. And we need that in marriage. We need that in every aspect of life. But where a majority of the talk went, Adrienne, after discussing what it means to become friends, partners, lovers, this idea of we're all becoming something, we can either do so intentionally or we do so without intention. With intention. Hopefully we become friends, partners, and lovers without intention.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:29]:
I gave these 10 examples of what we could be. Let me just run through them very fast.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:33]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:34]:
And because I know you took notes that night, but if not so you can become roommates, business partners, co parents, adversaries, strangers, obligated companions, prisoners, victim and villain, a nurse in a purse, or parent, child. So of those 10, where could you see you and Blaine, We've talked on previous episodes. Y'all went through, you know, just a difficult time, as many couples do. Was it Barbara? Donna?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:00]:
Donna.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:00]:
Donna. Donna helped you out in many ways. Great. We're gonna see how many episodes, how many episodes we talked about.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:05]:
I really got to connect with her and thank her.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:08]:
She's back. And what if she got out of counseling after y'all can't do it anymore, she quit. So of those 10 things, which do you see that? You know what I could see, man? Left our own devices. We could become this. Which ones are threats to you guys?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:25]:
I think roommates and I think we've had not even seasons, but just moments of like, we're just not connecting or like we're just feeling out of touch with each other and we're just like, doing our own thing. Maybe kids prevents that a little bit because you have to be a team. I mean, you don't have to. You could be the co parent.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:45]:
You better be.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:46]:
But yeah, just kind of like, I don't know, you're not feeling your best. Either of you aren't feeling your best, and you just kind of like you're just in motion.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:56]:
No, absolutely. And I think what happens there is it's really that Loss of emotional connection.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:00]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:00]:
So you think about roommates. What do you do? Well, all right, you're paying bills. You're making sure the house goes. Whatever your role is. You're cleaning the kitchen. I'm cleaning the kitchen, whatever.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:10]:
You're doing life together, but not connected.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:12]:
Yes. No, absolutely. And that really does take intention.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:15]:
Oh, and when that happens, when I can feel that happening throws me, like, I'm, like, I do not like this feeling. It takes away my. What's the word for control?
Kevin Thompson [00:37:25]:
Agency.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:25]:
Autonomy. Agency.
Blaine Neufeld [00:37:26]:
Agency.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:27]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:27]:
Yeah. Because I'm like, I can't force him to feel connected with me. It's just everything feels wrong.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:32]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do y'all have? A quick reconnection kind of routine that. So for me and Jenny, it's go take a walk. Like, I. We. I talked about this so much on this podcast. We were getting sick of it. But I can feel when we haven't taken a walk in a while and we got to make a change.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:46]:
I come home, work from. Come home, work from early. I come home early from work, or we get up early if the weather's warm enough, and go. And literally that 45 minutes can change everything. What is it that y'all have? What's Yalls routine to reconnect?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:59]:
I think we have to have fun together. We need to laugh together. And that could also include, like, just getting, like, out for dinner together without the kids. Like, just him and I trying, just having fun, laughing or eating good food, you know?
Kevin Thompson [00:38:16]:
Does it work if other people are there or not? For some it does. For some it doesn't.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:19]:
It would work, but I think it's a distraction. Like, we are so easily. Like, we can focus our attention onto the other people that are there. It would take away from, like, us, because we can go in being, like, faking it.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:32]:
Oh, yeah. Everybody can.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:34]:
So I think it has to be, like, just us, just a little time together.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:37]:
Is date night an important part of Yalls relationship or not?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:40]:
Gosh, that's a good question. Cause it is. But we have that issue where we always want to bring people along because we just love people. So it doesn't matter, like, what we're doing really, or who we're with, as long as it's just, like, fun. As long as we're laughing.
Kevin Thompson [00:38:54]:
Oh, there you go. Because like I've said before, date night has never been an integral part of kind of our relationship. No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:59]:
Like, we don't schedule it.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:00]:
Yeah. For some people, it's the thing that they swear by not that they should swear, but it's the thing that they swear by.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:06]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:07]:
But then for others, it's just not that big of a deal.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:10]:
But because of Blaine's job, we get out enough together with other people that even on the drive to, like meeting people, we can quickly connect and like, how's your day? So I feel like we have enough time away together, even if it's just not just the two of us.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:26]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:26]:
But yeah, we don't schedule it.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:28]:
And I think for us it really. Because same thing. Our job just demands so much.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:32]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:32]:
Like, we just want to stay home. Like, let's not go out.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:35]:
Actually, you know what we do do? Cause Fridays. Cause Blaine works at church. Fridays are his day off. We often take Friday mornings. We'll like go work out and then get breakfast together. So we do like a day date, actually.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:46]:
Oh, that's good.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:47]:
He'll start golfing, so I don't know if that'll happen.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:49]:
Does he work out or does he. You know, I can see him just.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:52]:
He goes on the stairmaster a little bit with a coffee in hand.
Kevin Thompson [00:39:55]:
I see him like walking around talking to everybody else while you're totally working out.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:00]:
Yeah, a little bit of that. But he does. He does, but just.
Blaine Neufeld [00:40:02]:
And then he gets back in the car, he's like, man, that's a good workout.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:04]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, exactly.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:06]:
All right, so is there anything on this list that you look at and you think, I can. I can't fathom that being a scenario. And does it actually exist? Does this really happen?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:12]:
Right. I think, man, I think strangers.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:21]:
Yeah. That's hard to imagine it because you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:23]:
Just have been through so much.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:25]:
Yeah. So that really is. That is down the road. That is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:31]:
What is that like after your kids go.
Kevin Thompson [00:40:32]:
No, that's what roommates could lead to. So it's like a second step. People don't go from pretty good relationship to immediately strangers. It really is. These are almost different levels of what they can become. And so let's say your relationship does really take on a co parenting kind of concept where you're not really connecting in any other area. And man, you're just parenting together. Was those kids grow up and move out of the house, suddenly your identity as a couple is gone.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:00]:
Well, what do you become now? You drift into strangers to where really I don't know this person at all. I think there's a couple on here that many people overlook and they don't think about, first of all, this idea of a nurse in a purse I would have never really thought of until we released a clip from a couple podcasts ago that have gone crazy in which I was talking about how widows aren't getting remarried. And literally 1700 people responded to that, commented, not just liked it, but commented. And it's 100 men saying, that's trash. And it's 60, 1600 women going, no, that's exactly right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:34]:
Well, that explains it all.
Kevin Thompson [00:41:37]:
And the primary concept has been this idea of I don't want to become a nurse in a purse. And so that shows you how real this is for many people of what's going on. And then in the book Friends, Partners and Lovers, I talk about this idea of relationships can become a parent child relationship, which is terrifying when that happens.
Blaine Neufeld [00:41:55]:
But literally.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:56]:
But I can see it. That's another one that I can see. Sometimes there's a glimpse of like, cuz Blaine's the youngest of four boys, so he's always been a bit the baby, you know, he's always been cared for, taken care of.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:09]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:09]:
And sometimes I can feel that I'm the oldest in my family and he's the youngest and I'm like, I have four kids today. It feels like that's interesting. Not a lot like, but just sometimes.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:19]:
You know, you just flow into your roles.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:21]:
Yeah, yeah. And I usually be like, I feel like your mom right now. Can you please not play video games or whatever.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:28]:
That's funny because. So Jenny's the oldest of three.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:31]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:31]:
I'm the youngest, but only two. I don't know how much that plays into. But clearly still the baby of the family just used to everything kind of happening.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:38]:
Yeah. Like how Jenny did the dinner and the dishes.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:42]:
Adrienne, Jenny did not do the dishes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:44]:
I did the dishes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:42:45]:
You did one dish? Yes. Very good.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:46]:
As long as y'all were there, I did the dishes. But seriously, that is a big threat. And here's notice what has to happen there. It can be a two way street here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:42:55]:
Sure.
Kevin Thompson [00:42:55]:
It's not just that the one spouse can't play the role of the child. It's also that the other spouse has to stop playing the role of the parent.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:02]:
Yes, 100%.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:03]:
Because it is this reciprocal kind of concept that takes place here's. We ended this talk on this quote that I love and yet many people doubt. And this is from friends, partners and lovers. What makes marriage work is predictable, universal, and completely under our control. So what I love about that is we live in this world in which marriage feels like this flip of a coin kind of, oh, let's see what we're going to get, when in reality it's not that way, that if we use intention, which is what we're about to talk about in next week's episode, if we use that idea of intention, the next thing you know, we control the outcome of this relationship we're going to get. And the moment people feel control, they feel empowered. It comes back to that agency idea that we now have this agency over our own relationship, and we're not helpless in what's going on. And the moment that happens, a couple's marriage really can be transformed.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:54]:
There you go.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:55]:
So I look forward to seeing you next week.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:43:56]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:43:57]:
Until next time, don't forget, become friends, partners and lovers.