Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey. Welcome back to Change the Odds, a podcast where marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Blaine and Adrienne, here we are. We're back. And once again, just like last week, clinical psychologist Dr. Barbara Wilson. Welcome back.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:11]:
Great to be here.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:12]:
Here we are. All right, so we're wrapping up becoming friends, partners, and lovers. Available on Amazon, where all fine books are sold. Also, you can go to changetheodds.com all these videos, all these resources. So churches are using this for marriage mentoring. Small groups are using it. If you want to use it just as a couple, you can go watch the video, talk through the questions. Just a great way to kind of initiate some improvement of what's going on.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:35]:
But friends, partners, lovers. Blaine, we have made it to the fun section. We did it years ago. I had a friend who said, you know that book you wrote? You know, yada yada, lovers, yada yada. The best part. So let's just do quick review. Friendship now built on trust. Partnership built on respect.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:55]:
Now lover intimacy, built on vulnerability. In the previous episode, if you haven't watched it, go watch it. We talk about intimacy outside the bedroom. Foundational on what's going on. Matter of fact, Gottman says that to him, the greatest indicator of sexual intimacy is actually how often a couple cuddles. That if your relationship is generally healthy. Now, all these episodes, specifically this one, there needs to be a caveat. If there is active addiction, abuse, or adultery, this is not your avenue.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:23]:
This is not the information for you. You need professional help. Not saying the relationship is done, but professionals need to assist you. But for everybody else, I can say that cuddling is this powerful thing that will help the intimacy that goes on inside the bedroom. Just the physical closeness, just the calmness that I think that can come from that. But where the heart of this talk, Barbara, that you gave last night kind of came from, and one of the reasons I invited you to join us was we have the assessment@changetheodds.com that thousands of people have taken. We've used it here specifically at the location that we're at at Bayside. And what struck me was there's a very basic question.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:06]:
On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you say, how meaningful is your sexual intimacy to your marriage? Pretty low bar. Basic question. And what strikes me is that less than 50% of our couples would say that sex is meaningful. It's present. It's just not that good or meaningful. Is that something you see across the board in clients that you see, or are we uniquely messed up here in this assessment.
Barbara Wilson [00:02:37]:
Absolutely. As I was mentioning last night, a lot of the couples that come in for therapy for some other reason, I find out that their sexual intimacy is very, almost non existent or very, very little, like months or even years since they've been sexually intimate.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:54]:
Wow. Wow.
Barbara Wilson [00:02:55]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:55]:
So, so is that, is that causation or correlation? Is, is that the cause of the trouble or is that just correlated to it?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:02]:
No correlation.
Barbara Wilson [00:03:03]:
I think it's. It's a combination of factors, you know, so something has, you know, interrupted maybe what started at the beginning, you know, good sexual intimacy, and something has come in to hinder that and then they just go their separate ways. And, you know, it's interesting, even scientifically, it's kind of that same concept that you, if you don't use it, you lose it. So the less you are sexually intimate, the less you actually want to be. So the less desire you have for each other. So being more sexually intimate actually increases desire.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:37]:
Yeah. So it's interesting. I mean, I read a study recently that only, well, 15% of couples would say in some way that, that sex is the key to the relationship. So 15% would credit sex as being their strength, but 70% blame sex for their problems. So it shows that sex is never the main thing that makes the couple happy, but it is the place that a couple will look at and say, this is the evidence that we're unhappy. But is it. Because that's just the barometer, that's where the underneath surface issues begin to express themselves?
Barbara Wilson [00:04:17]:
I think so. Just because it is, is so vulnerable, it is a very intimate and vulnerable place. So if they haven't learned to be vulnerable in other areas, then that area is going to suffer. And that's where you get fear of performance. You know, we talked about orgasms last night. So if there's this pressure to always have an orgasm or for men to perform, you know, because I even see that with men who are, you know, kind of shying away from sexual intimacy. But the fear of, you know, the performance or that pressure and so that, you know that that can start or there's other wounds in the relationship, betrayal, lies, addictions and things like that. And it is kind of that first, I think it is kind of a barometer of how well you're doing.
Barbara Wilson [00:05:02]:
Not necessarily that the sex has to be great all the time, but if you're not willing to, if not able to be vulnerable in that area, it is kind of a good barometer.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:11]:
As I mentioned last night, you know.
Barbara Wilson [00:05:14]:
God gave a lot of Reasons. There's a lot of reasons for sexual intimacy in marriage, and one of them is to create life and passion and fun in your marriage. But I do think it's the one area that the enemy loves to attack.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:28]:
What's been for you all. I mean, how long have you been married?
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:30]:
I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:32]:
13 years.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:32]:
13 years. There you go. What's been the most surprising thing that you can share on a public podcast? What's been the most surprising thing, intimacy wise, that you don't know. You don't know about sex until you're in it and you're in the marriage and then you're like, oh, I didn't. Because many couples, they just assume, oh, this is going to be easy.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:51]:
Yeah, right.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:52]:
Like the passion is easy as you're dating and all those things. And. And then as you get into the relationship, they're like, oh, this. There actually is. This sometimes is a struggle.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:00]:
I remember because we saved sex till after marriage. And so then I remember, like the first time it happened, I was like, oh. I was like, is this. What is this? And then I remember going to a movie and there was like this passionate sex scene. I was like, it's a lie. It's not what it's really like.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:21]:
This is not gonna be fun.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:22]:
No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:23]:
Cause it was painful and it was just like very, like just two bodies hitting, you know, not passionate, very functional. But I had a hard time being vulnerable. And so I can relate exactly to what you were saying. It took many years growing up in a very conservative home, and now it's like, ok, go get it done. And I'm like, I don't even know how.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:44]:
Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:44]:
So we've, we've worked through that and we're doing great now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:48]:
But one thing that was.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:49]:
Was it painful for you, Blaine? No, it wasn't.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:52]:
Strangely crying.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:57]:
You'Re talking about.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:59]:
Well, that was a big tension for us.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:00]:
Sure it was. Yeah, it was. It's good to like, talk about how much work it takes currently still to this day. A lot of practice and, and a lot of communicating and a lot of things like that. One thing that I recog that I think would benefit a listener is when I am in the mode and I'm thinking, this is the night and we're doing the thing and that she is thinking about so many other things than this moment. And I'm like, only one thing. This is going to be wonderful for both of us. And she's like, oh, shoot, the kids got to do the thing tomorrow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:33]:
Got to make lunches.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:34]:
In the morning.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:35]:
What I discovered really helps both of us because I am. It's very important for me that she's in the mode too. I don't want it to be serviceful or anything. Like, I want it to be connection and that sort of thing. So. But by like taking care of the list of things that she has on her mind. Okay, yeah, let's clean up the thing. Let's make the video for the Instagram.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:56]:
Let's do all of your things. How about now? Yeah, sure, let's go. You know, and it's very interesting to note that when her mind is cleaned out, it's far more fun. If you're looking for the fun.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:08]:
That's an interesting. I don't know if this is true in most couples or not, but I mean, I see it with me and Jenny in that it's not uncommon for the intimate moments gonna happen. Right. Jenny needs to download the list first.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:20]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:20]:
Like get in bed and oh man, we gotta do this. This.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:22]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:23]:
And I'm like, wow, okay, I guess I need to go do that then.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:27]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:27]:
Whereas I'm like, no, let's have intimacy.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:30]:
And then do whatever you want.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:33]:
But that's typical male, female.
Barbara Wilson [00:08:35]:
I mean, I mentioned that, you know, that women often need to be able to mentally prepare because they have so much going on if they're raising a family and if they' just non stop remembering details and they drop into bed at night exhausted, already thinking about the next day.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:53]:
Yes.
Barbara Wilson [00:08:53]:
So they do need some time, you know, and that's where communicating. That's why I said to the guys, like, you know, let us know, like.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:01]:
Let'S, you know, some anticipation, like allow.
Barbara Wilson [00:09:03]:
The, the wife in that time, especially a busy wife, to prepare mentally, you know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:10]:
Yeah. And another thing we've implemented is like, let's say he initiates. And I'm like, I'm just so tired. Like I just, I mean, if it's for you, cool. But like, I can't be into it tonight. He'll be like, okay. Or I'll be like, I'll initiate within like the next 24 hours. Or I know that it's like, okay, he's needing it, so I'm gonna gear up for like tomorrow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:31]:
And then he knows, like, okay, it's not gonna be like a week till we become intimate again. So we started.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:37]:
Where did you read that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:38]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:38]:
What book possibly has the 24 hour rule?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:43]:
Oh, you have a 24 hour.
Barbara Wilson [00:09:44]:
And I just said, you know, offer an alternative tomorrow night.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:48]:
Yeah, yeah. And every couple come up with their own thing. But in Friends, Partners and Lovers, this is kind of actually one of the first things that kind of went viral for me years ago is yeah, Jenny and I were trying to navigate that of obviously she has to have the ability to say no. I mean clearly that's the case. But then it just creates this great drama, especially in the guy's head many times of well, when is it going to happen? Is it ever going to happen again?
Barbara Wilson [00:10:08]:
Rejection.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:08]:
Yeah. And so that idea was, look, if, let's say it's scheduled for that night and you don't want it to happen, it doesn't happen just within the next 24 hours, at some point you initiate. And it just took all the pressure off of that. Now for other couples, maybe it's 48 hours, the time doesn't matter.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:28]:
You can agree on whatever the time frame is.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:29]:
But the idea, yeah, Friends, Partners and lovers available on Amazon, 24 hour rule, that's where it is. But hey Barbara, it was a great talk last night, very meaningful to people and so I think our listeners are going to benefit greatly from it. So let's go inside the worship center at Bayside Granite bay and hear Dr. Barbara Wilson talking about how to have meaningful sex.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:48]:
I am Dr. Barbara Wilson. I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm an author mainly writing about healing from your sexual past. I've been speaking and leading ministries here at Bayside for over 20 years, if you can believe it. And I really appreciated Kevin putting my very 20 year old picture on the bulletin this week. I thanked him for that. So I'm also married to my college sweetheart.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:16]:
We've been married, we'll be married 44 years in June. We have seven adult children, three daughter in laws and seven grandkids. So we've got a lot, we've been through it all, we've got a lot under our belt. But sex wasn't always good for us. And that's what God used in my life to take me through some healing of my own from my own past. And that's what led to writing and speaking and helping others find healing as well. Now just a little aside, note to that I've also traumatized all of my children and you can be praying for them because I started teaching sexual health, going into schools and youth groups and talking about, you know, sexual health, saving sex for marriage. And so of course I went into all their youth groups and even their school classrooms, which I don't quite know if they've forgiven me for yet.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:09]:
But my youngest son for sure who has moved away. I'm sure he doesn't want to. You know, he needs counseling, I'm sure. But I went into his ninth grade class here at Granite Bay. His teacher asked me to come in and do my curriculum. I used to write curriculum for high schools and colleges and things like that. And so I said, hey, Brian, I'm coming into your class. How do you feel? And he said, okay, well, that's okay, but just please don't, don't tell anybody your last name.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:36]:
I don't want them to know you're my mom. I said, okay, fine. And he said, and please don't talk about anything that you and dad do. That would be so gross. And I said, no problem there. And so go in. It's a 90 minute class. He's sitting right here looking straight ahead.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:51]:
Never looked at me once. And at the end I left. I was coming back the next day, but he came home later after school. And I said, so how did it go, Brian? He goes, well, it was going good. But then at the end of the class, one of the girls asked me, brian, that kind of looked like your mom. Was that your mom? And I said, oh, no, I'm so sorry. What did you say? He said, well, I told her, I've never seen that woman before in my life. So that's how he handles it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:20]:
That's how we handle the Wilson family. Just avoid and ignore. But tonight I want to give you a couple points on how to build a healthy sexual. How to build a healthy sex life in your marriage. First of all, sex is God's idea. And he says it's very good. And he created it for marriage for many reasons. He designed it also to get better and more fulfilling throughout your life together.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:47]:
I think that's why the enemy loves to use this area in our life to destroy us. First of all, I think he tempts us before we get married to have lots of sex. Because he knows that's going to impact our ability to bond and have a good sexual intimacy in marriage. But then also once we get married, he tempts us to stop having sex in marriage. And in your handout, I share six of the purposes or ways that God uses sex in marriage for our good. First of all is to create life for intimacy. So that is that closeness, that intimate knowledge of each other, that two becoming one kind of intimacy for protection against temptation, for bonding, which we'll talk a little bit about for comfort and for pleasure. Now, because of time, I really want to focus on two of those.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:14:37]:
And One of those. The first one is creating life, and the other one is bonding. So sex not only creates physical life, those little humans that then try to ruin your sex life, but sex also breathes this intimate life into your marriage, not only with passion and fun and friendship, but I believe God uses this as a way to breathe life and passion into your relationship. I find that most couples that come to my practice that are struggling and looking for marriage counseling, they come for a variety of reasons, maybe communication or some kind of conflict that they. That they can't resolve. But what's always interesting to me is a lot of them are not having sex. And I believe that God uses the sexual intimacy to. To help keep our marriages alive and passionate long into that relationship.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:37]:
But God also created sex for bonding. So this two becoming one flesh kind of bond. And even chemically, as Kevin was mentioning, you know, when we experience sexual arousal and orgasm in our marriages, we're releasing not only chemicals that create this attraction, kind of like it becomes a. Something that we bond our brains to, that we are attracted to each other, and they're the only person that we have experienced that kind of pleasure with. But also we release oxytocin. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone that's only released in high levels three times in a human when a woman gives birth, when a woman breastfeeds her baby. And it's also released in men and women during sexual arousal and release. And it's really a bonding hormone.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:31]:
And the interesting thing about oxytocin is, is that it helps create this stronger and stronger attachment within your relationship. And it creates that deepening of your love where you get that love gets stronger and deeper with each other. The other exciting thing about oxytocin is what keeps the excitement of sex kind of alive longer with that same partner, basically, until the, you know, eventually the parts stop working. But you would. We would. You can't believe how long that continues to go on. That just is something that God created that doesn't. Doesn't end too quickly.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:11]:
So. So the reason I'm telling you this is because I talk, you know, I talk to a lot of people who think that sex is really just primarily about the pressure, the pleasure. And that is definitely one reason. But the benefits go beyond that momentary release that God uses to glue us or bond us together in a way that no other relationship does. So you've heard that marriage takes work, but sometimes sex can take work too, or it can feel like work, but pushing through those feelings will be worth it. So in Your handouts. I gave you some things that can hinder sex. We're not going to talk about all of those, but we will be talking about some.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:55]:
One is pornography. And whether on your own or during sex, abuse in marriage, any kind of abuse, emotional neglect. Kevin has been talking a little bit about that. Emotional intimacy, which is really important. Any kind of addictions, past abuse or trauma, past sexual partners that we might have created a bond to children, especially in those younger years, can make it challenging. Fatigue, busyness, medical issues. There's a variety of medical issues that can be hindrances to sex. There's painful intercourse at times for women, but all of these things can be treated.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:39]:
Hormonal changes, the dreaded menopause. I always find it interesting that men, the word men is in that word, and then also erectile dysfunction for men. Those are all things that can hinder sexual intimacy in marriage. But again, they are all treatable. And sometimes I find that it's just a little scary to go and talk to your doctor about some of the things that really you could find to be helpful for your intimacy in your marriage. And so don't be afraid to do that. So what I want to. I want to just kind of give you three kind of little tips, you know, just for time, things that can help build a healthier sex life.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:19:21]:
First of all, keep it clean. So I'm not just talking about our bodies, but also our minds. So of course you want to be clean and have something that smells nice. But also we want to keep our minds just for each other. We want to keep our minds clean, which means no pornography. So I think pornography is one of the greatest evils in our whole, you know, timeline of human history, just because of how it's impacted not only how we see each other and how we view sex, but how we then become where we mistreat each other. And not only that, with pornography, we also start to create a bond to those images. We can actually train our brain to respond to pornography like, you know, Pavlov, when either the dog and the bell.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:20:10]:
We can actually start to train our brain to be aroused by that which then can interfere with the enjoyment of each other. We actually start wanting those images or needing those images to create that, to release that same level of chemical in our brains that create that enjoyment for sex. And so I think God is pretty clear about, you know, sexual intimacy. Just being between a husband and wife and not including others and not including images. Recent, you know, studies have shown that pornography is in a marriage can be one of the roots of many of the divorces. In fact, over 50% of divorces have pornography at its root. The other problem with pornography is we often can bring that into our relationship or we're thinking about that during sex and so we're not being present with our spouse. And then we might have to bring some of the things in to enhance ourselves, our sexual intimacy, because we can't be present with our spouse.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:15]:
I want to encourage you, if this is you, please seek professional help. Something like celebrate recovery for addiction. Because God has a plan to heal you. He doesn't want this as a part of your marriage. He wants to heal you, but you can't do this on your own. I talk a lot to young people and I am concerned with their view of pornography, that it's not a big deal. They're not having sex with anyone, they're not going to hurt anyone. But I'm trying to teach them and train them that they are hurting their brains.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:48]:
They are starting to train their brains and that will impact their future relationship. And my heart goes out and God cares so much about this area. And it's just, it's everywhere now. It's so hard to. To not go to anything online, to not see something that draws you into that. And I just really encourage you to take that seriously. And if that's going on in your marriage, in your life, I encourage you that God can heal. Secondly, I encourage you to have it often and make it fun.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:25]:
So how do we do that? So we schedule date nights. I hope you're doing date nights, but it's also okay to schedule sex. Now, I know that sounds not very much fun, and I don't want to necessarily dish on spontaneity because that can be fun too. But life gets busy and things happen. So if something is important, we put it on the calendar. Scheduling can also build anticipation and help us prepare ourselves mentally. I think women especially, you know, mentally, that helps us prepare and it can add fun for both the husband and the wife. You know, we plan for lots of things.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:10]:
Parties, vacations, birthdays. And the planning can be part of the excitement, just like sex. The other thing is have some variety. So, you know, there's, I think I called it, you know, drive through the quickies. There's the steady home cooked, you know, the regular sex, and then there's romantic sex. And so those are the more gourmet, where you take a little bit extra time and they're all good and okay, take some turns each month planning something special, A special romantic sexual encounter. Where you know you're doing something special that you're not just. It's not just about the sexual intimacy, but you're planning a date or you're planning something special that makes that a longer, more enjoyable experience where you're really becoming more intimate, sharing things.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:08]:
Also frequency. Kevin talked a little bit about that, and I totally agree. Being more intimate, physically intimate, outside the bedroom will definitely can lead to more frequency inside the bedroom. So my recommendation, based on all of the things that we talked about, why God, you know, created sex and the purpose for inside marriage, I think at least a minimum of one time a week is really important for that bonding, to feel close, for that protection, for that comfort, for all of those things that we talked about. I'd say a healthy marriage is having sex two to three times a week. Now, when I have couples come into my office, for those that aren't having sex at all, I say start with one time a week and maybe try scheduling it if that's helpful for you. If you're the one that likes to pass on sex, you're the one that's always wanting to say no or you're trying to avoid it. You don't want to, you know, you try to hide somewhere in the house when your husband or wife wants sex.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:17]:
Try to say yes more than no. Think of the many reasons for sex. If you need convincing. And if you do say no, offer an alternative, like, how about tomorrow night? So. And the funny joke in our house is, my husband says, my favorite night to have sex is tomorrow night. So. And that is not true. But also, guys, please use your words.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:45]:
We women cannot read minds. If you're cuddling with us, maybe you're just cuddling, or maybe you want sex. Which is it? Let us know the other thing. Start making love in the morning on your way out the door. This is one of the things that we do, and this is funny because my husband did say to me, you're not going to talk about anything we do, are you? Just like my son. It was just hilarious that he said the same thing. But so my husband will give me a little tap and a passionate kiss, and then he'll say, tonight, baby. And that works for us.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:22]:
I don't know if that would work for you. But then when we get home, he'll have my favorite takeout and drink waiting for me. And that is just build some anticipation and excitement for us. If you've got young kids, you might want to have code names for that activity or time together that can protect your children. From hearing anything that they shouldn't. I think building anticipation for that sexual intimacy can also be such a great part of that emotional intimacy too, because you're learning to trust each other and you're preparing for something that is very special. Also, most men are aroused visually, and I'm obviously speaking generally, but in general, most women are aroused more by touch and romance and words. And so just remember that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:26]:
Next, explore those bodies. Discover new ways to arouse each other. It's not always about the grand finale. Get to know each other, take time to explore, enjoy. That is part of the intimacy that is part of enjoying each other. It is part of that connection. Also, I love to recommend people try to connect four times a day with a hug, a kiss, a hello, first thing in the morning, when you wake up, when you leave for the day, when you return, and before you turn out the light, four times a day, Imagine if you just connected those four times a day and let your spouse know, I see you, I'm here for you. And you have those touches, you have those connections, eye to eye connections.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:18]:
You'll begin to start to feel more connected and more emotionally connected to each other and already starting to develop that intimacy. The other thing is go to bed together. I know that that's not always possible, but if you can, as much as you can, try to go to bed together, I think there's nothing that more togetherness than, you know, using that time in the evening, even if you're just not falling asleep yet. But being in bed together, maybe it's just you're reading or you're talking, you know, or having sex, but being together, going to bed together creates this kind of, I don't know, it feels safe, it feels nice. We're going to bed together. I realize that sometimes with some schedules, that's not possible. I do hear a lot more of people sleeping in separate bedrooms and separate beds because of snoring, because of medical issues. And of course, you know, that is.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:18]:
Those are all valid, valid things to be in separate locations. But as much as you can, try to be in bed together, try to go to bed together. I know that my husband and I, we have done that our whole married life whenever home together. And it just becomes a wonderful connection time for both of us. So we talked about keeping it clean, making it frequent, and making it fun. But first of all, all of these things that we've talked about really just depend upon my next point, and that is keeping it safe. Kevin talked a little bit about that. But I want to go on and talk about how do we keep our intimacy safe emotionally, physically, and sexually.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:10]:
So in therapy, we talk about being available with couples. Are you available to each other? Are you responsive to each other? When we have needs, are you emotionally engaged with your spouse? The acronym is A R E R. Are you available? Are you responsive, and are you emotionally engaged? That's when we need each other. We reach over and we know our spouse is there for us. They're going to respond in a way that makes us feel safe and connected, and they're going to be emotionally engaged. There's a lot of things today that will inhibit that emotional engagement. And one of them is, of course, our phones. Being on.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:51]:
Being on the Internet, being on our phones, the phone, I think, is one of the biggest ways now that we can feel disconnected emotionally. And when your spouse is needing you, when you want to talk to them, when you have something important to say, you want to know that you can reach out to them and they're going to be there for you. They're going to be responsive to what you need, and they're going to engage you emotionally. Don't expect to ignore your spouse all day and then want to get it on that night. That's just not right, and it's not fair. Women, especially need to feel emotionally safe and connected to be able to feel vulnerable for sex. And it's also why we like time to allow our minds to be prepared for that. You know, working moms, they have a lot of things on their mind, and then they crash into bed at night, and the last thing on their mind is sex.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:48]:
Usually they're probably thinking about what they also have to need, what they need to do tomorrow. Now, the guys, you may have been thinking about sex since you got up that morning, and. But, you know, your wife has not been prepared. And I just. That might be something that might be helpful, at least talk about. Is that something that could be helpful preparing your mentally and emotionally each other to enjoy sexual intimacy? We need to speak and treat each other, speak to and treat each other kindly. There's nothing that kills sex more than harsh, critical words. Also honoring each other during sex.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:29]:
And in the bedroom, if one says, hey, this is really not my thing, then we need to honor that. No pressure to do things that feel uncomfortable, that feel maybe degrading, and being able to talk about that, you know, it is interesting. I think as couples, we're having sex, but it's very uncomfortable to talk about sex. Even with couples, it's very uncomfortable to do that. And that's One of the things that we need to learn how to do more, being able to be comfortable talking about what feels good for us, what we don't like, and maybe some things that might be fun to add in that would not be that the other person would feel okay with. And sometimes we feel uncomfortable talking about that. And, and that is a really important way to begin. In fact, on your handout, I gave you a few questions to start talking about some of these things.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:30]:
How satisfied are you with your sexual intimacy? What are some things you think might be hindering that, and what are some things that would be helpful to be able to increase that or to improve that? The other one is learn each other's love language. You all know what the love languages are, right? And that's just really, really important to find out. How does your spouse feel loved? Is it with words of affirmation or gifts or physical touch? Quality time? Those things, Those are all important. These are conversations that we should be having and continuing to have. And finally, this is more my area where I have some expertise in is do you have past trauma, sexual trauma, childhood sexual trauma? Has there been other sexual experiences that you have experienced or been exposed to that are impacting your ability to feel safe during sexual intimacy, even with your spouse? If that's true, then sex can feel dirty for you or unpleasant or painful. It can trigger negative memories of the past. Also, if you've had negative experiences in past relationships, you've had sex in past relationships. All of that you can bring into your marriage.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:34:57]:
That can inhibit your ability to feel safe with your spouse, to feel that sex is safe and to be able to enjoy it. And especially if there's been abuse in your past, it's very hard to want to be present because it can trigger a lot of negative painful memories. Sometimes memories of even childhood abuse don't get triggered often until marriage or until you have a child. And so sometimes that sexual intimacy can be some of that trigger. And that can be really scary when you don't know what's going on. But I would encourage you to, if this is coming up, for you, to address that and not just to keep going and pretend that it's. That it's not an issue. You're going to need healing to be able to rewire what the past has done to your brain.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:50]:
And if you're the spouse of this one, then being supportive and encouraging and safe, you're going to be able to help your spouse heal. Just a little personal. I know this was my challenge in my marriage, and we'd been married like 20 years and I was still struggling with sexual intimacy. But I didn't know why. It didn't. Really wasn't really fun for me. And I couldn't talk about it with anyone because I thought I must be the only one. And my husband wasn't having a problem just with me.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:36:27]:
And I couldn't figure out why until God started leading me through healing and I realized that my first sexual experience wasn't consensual. Although this was someone I was dating and I cared about. We were both Christians and I was young. What happened was this person really forced himself on me. But I did not even realize that at the time. Not even for the next 20 years did I realize until God began to take me through healing and show me that my issue with sexual intimacy had to do with that first experience. And that led to other choices that I needed also to heal from. But when I was willing to take that time and go through that really hard pain of going through the healing for that, God really healed that for me and really made the difference in our relationship.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:37:22]:
Not only just taking away that negative impact on my life, but also being able to change my brain about sexual intimacy and how God saw it. Because I didn't see it as something that was really valuable in marriage. And that really changed for me, especially seeing God's plan for us. It's so amazing. Like, God is so amazing that he would give this type of sexual intimacy or intimacy in a marriage that really has a multi purpose for us, not just pleasure, but to create life in our marriage and to protect us from going outside of our marriage to be a comfort for us as well as this incredible attachment and bond that only gets stronger and stronger. And that's what God wants for us. He wants that intimacy and deepening of our love to grow and grow because that's, you know, that's our testimony really to the world that, you know, God is faithful and he's good and he has created something that is so good. And you know, your children, they need to know that God created something amazing for marriage and your grandchildren.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:38:36]:
And so what you do in your life, the healing that you're willing to go through for yourself, you're gonna pass on to your children, to your grandchildren. It's not just about you. There's a world that is very much hurting in this area of sexual intimacy. And they need to know that there is healing and there's hope. Before Kevin comes out, I want to talk about my books. Kevin sells more books than me. So I want to take this opportunity to promote my book. So I have a book for marriage.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:39:09]:
It's called Kiss me Restoring loss intimacy in marriage. And I wrote this after leading, taking a lot of women through healing for their past and discovering that as women healed from their past, their marriages were improving, especially in their area of emotional and physical intimacy. And so this is great for couples if one or both of you have things that you have brought into your marriage from your past, whether your own choices, past relationships, sexual abuse or trauma. This is a great book to be able to work through together. There's a study guide in the back that creates discussion where you can have, you know, opens up conversation, gives you things to talk about. This was my first book, the invisible how to break free from your sexual past. And this is good for men or women, but also young people. If you have teenagers in your house, that could be a good one or a single friend.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:40:03]:
And also this is a study I've written that I take women through. It's a very comprehensive 12 week study to help women heal from a variety of things in their past, including anything sexual. I also have one written for men. And so you don't get away with that, you get to do that too. If that's something that has happened to you. Because men have been sexually abused as young children too, it's becoming a greater and greater statistic, which I also believe pornography really fuels the abuse of children, abuse of children and women. So that's what I encourage you tonight. That's just a little snippet of how God wants to bless your marriages and bless your life with intimacy emotionally and this physical intimacy that only is really blessed inside a marriage relationship.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:41:01]:
And God does want to bless that for each one of you.