Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
It's the most watched sport at the Olympics and it's the most intriguing apparatus of that sport. It's the balance beam in gymnastics. Every four years, the world tunes in to watch the world's greatest athletes try to traverse a three inch beam to hop and jump and twist and do everything, knowing that at the very best, at least half of the competitors will fall. And yet, that is the image that we so often use whenever it comes to life. What if I were to tell you that the idea of work life balance is an unobtainable goal which a pursuit after does nothing except produce unnecessary guilt? Hey, welcome to change the odds of the podcast. My name is Kevin Thompson. Don't forget marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Well, today we're going to talk, just me, we're going to talk about this idea of work life balance.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:01]:
I just returned from retreat, intentionally small, just 15 couples in which we could have this discussion of what does work life balance actually look like. In the midst of talking with so many people, especially those that either have kids at home or, or also are still in the workforce, probably one of the number one issues that we hear on a regular basis is how can I achieve work life balance? I just feel as though that I've lost sense of the balance that I need. And there is this kind of ongoing perception that if we can just figure it out, that everything will take care of itself. But so often I have to be the bearer of bad news. And it's simply this work life balance just simply is not an obtainable goal. And so the perception that so many people have is that there are people out there who have perfectly balanced their lives, and they're flourishing at work, and they're flourishing in family and marriage and parenting their own lives are flourishing. And so the reason I'm struggling at this moment is because I haven't found the right balance. And yet today, what I want to encourage you with is just that image itself is something that we can throw away.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:17]:
So listen to this. Oliver Berkman, the author of 4000 weeks a time management for mortals, a great book. I think he says this, nobody in the history of humanity has ever achieved work life balance. And so the very thing that we desire is actually something that nobody in human history, Bertman, is going to say that has actually achieve. So let's just think about this concept of even this idea of work life balance. What does it mean? Well, first of all, there is a good aspect of it. So the very desire that we have, the very fact that people ask me questions about work life balance that comes from a good place, because what it means is that we desire to work well and to live well, that's a noble pursuit, it's a noble desiree. We don't want to make failing grades in any area that's important in life.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:14]:
And primarily these two areas of family and then also work are so important to us, we don't want to let anyone down. Now, some might, they might not be asking the question, they've already turned out the podcast, but if you're still listening, then chances are there is a desire within you to live well and to work well. And that's a, that's a noble desire. So, so the pursuit, the longing inside of us is good, but here's the bad news, is that we're actually pursuing after an unobtainable goal. So this idea that we can somehow just find a life hack to where we're living our lives in this absolute perfect sense of balance is just not accurate. And so because it's unobtainable and yet we still desire it, the very metaphor of work life balance does nothing but heap guilt upon us, unnecessary guilt, I would say, which actually causes us to feel even more out of balance, to which we then begin to pursue after it even harder. And as we pursue it after it even harder, we end up with more guilt, more out of balance. And to some extent, you can almost say it kind of begins to act like an addiction where we're trying to get a solution and a resolve out of the very thing that's causing us some sort of problem.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:38]:
But there's a lie that's underneath this desire for work life balance that we really don't like to admit. And the lie is simply this, we think we can have it all and do it all. And so because you and I live in this modern culture that sells to us on a continual basis that, hey, you can have it all, you can do it. Also, there is a way to fit everything together in a perfect manner. And if I can ever find the right system, the right formula, how do I use my day? Do I have to wake up early? Do I sleep in? Do I stay up late at night? What is the technology that I'm supposed to use now to get all this to fit in? That if we can find the right system or the right mindset, that we can have it all and do it all, and that's an absolute lie. Now think about this. If you buy into this idea that we can have it all and do it all, then. Then it's totally unnecessary to ever ask if something is worth doing.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:36]:
And so, so many of us just go through life never even considering. Is that a pursuit that's worth it? Is that something that I actually want to desire? Is that actually something I want to figure out? And so we just always assume that anything that flashes in the moment is worthy of our time, worthy of our energy and our effort. And so we constantly go about life collecting things and never actually refusing certain things, saying, you know what? That's not really where I want to spend my time or my energy. So if you think you can have it all and do it all, you'll never ask if something is worth doing. And then you also won't begin to realize that a yes to one thing is a no to something else. You see, if we can have it all and do it all, then I can say yes to things. And yet, time must be endless. It must be boundless.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:26]:
I don't begin to recognize that a yes to one thing is a no to something else. So this lie that's underneath the work life balance is actually aiding now a faulty mindset in which I don't recognize the consequences to my own choices, which is to say yes to be in the studio right now talking to you. That means I've said no to being in some other places. And here's what so often happens when we don't recognize that every yes is also a no. What tends to happen is every yes becomes a no to our family, because what we're actually saying no to so often is the life side of the work life balance. And so we'll say yes to work, we'll say yes to a hobby, we'll say yes to a project, we'll say yes to a promotion, we'll say yes to more tasks, yes to all these things. And what we're actually saying is maybe no to family dinner, no to putting our kids to bed, no to having a meaningful conversation with our spouse, no to having the proper energy that we need whenever we get home. And we have to begin to recognize that every yes is actually also a no.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:32]:
But if we believe that we can have it all and be it all, then we won't connect those two thoughts. And then what happens is we actually end up with a life that is designed by accident instead of attention, a life, a marriage, a perspective of parenting, to where we just drift into whatever format we actually have, instead of standing back and saying, what kind of husband do I want to be? What kind of father do I want to be. How does all that play in? Instead, what happens is I tend to put a great deal of intention over what kind of career I'm going to have, but very little intention over what kind of a marriage I'm going to have. And the marriage then begins to suffer. So we need to replace the lie of I can have it all and do it all with what is a truth. And here, just a few minutes, eight minutes into this podcast now, I'm going to give you what is, I think, the most important takeaway. And it's simply this, that you and I have to make hard choices. We can't have it all and we can't do it all.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:44]:
So if a priority for us is to have a thriving marriage, if we want to spend a proper amount of time with our sons and our daughters, if we want to live a fulfilled life and also have a meaningful work life and career, all those things are doable. But to say yes to those things mean that we're going to have to say no to some other things. And that's going to be difficult. That's going to cause us to take time and to begin to figure out what are the hard choices that we need to make. Now, notice this, Warren Buffett. He says, look, if you want to live a meaningful life, take a sheet of paper and list out your 25 top priorities. What are the 25 things that are the absolute most important things to you now? Right under number five, draw a line and then spend the rest of your life pursuing after the top five and intentionally not doing six through 25. You see what Buffett is saying, and he makes a very good point, is that the greatest threat to you living the life that you want to live, to achieving the goals that are most important to you, the greatest threat are not these goals you don't have.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:53]:
They are goals that you have but aren't nearly as important as what your top five actually are. It is actually your 6th, 7th and 8th most important thing in life that are the greatest threat and danger to whatever are number 1234 and five. And yet, if you and I don't recognize that because we can't have it all and do it all, that we are going to make some hard choices, then we can pursue equally after whatever is the 14th most important thing to my life as we pursue after the second most important thing to my life. And in so doing, the second most important thing is going to suffer because we're not going to be able to properly prioritize what's going on. We have to be able to make hard choices. So consider this for a second. What is important to you? What are the things that you really care about? What are the things that years from now, you'll look back on and go, man, I wish I would have invested more time into that. I wish I would have prioritized that just a little bit more.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:59]:
You know, just several years ago, I left a job. And so 19 years in the. In the same spot, 13 years as the senior leader. Leader, and literally invested my heart and soul into this, and rightly so. Very little regret about it. But here's something. I know for a fact that within seconds of me leaving the meeting where I had surprised my board and said, I'm resigning, within seconds, somebody around that table rightfully asked the question, hey, what are we going to do now? And so it didn't take ten minutes of grief, of, oh, my goodness, I can't believe Kevin is leaving. They had a responsibility to the organization to make sure they were taken care of.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:43]:
But notice this. If something were to happen to me tonight, my wife, after getting the news within 10 seconds, is not going to say, well, I wonder what I'm going to do now. Wonder who's next? My kids aren't going to go, well, I wonder what dad we're going to have next. They're not going to say that. So everything in life is not equal. There are some things that are more important than others. And you and I have to begin to determine for ourselves what is it that we really care about. And there's.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:13]:
There's nothing wrong with saying that work is extremely important to me and to my life, but that has some consequences that we have to be willing to recognize. So. So what is important to you? And then also what's unique about you? Whenever you think about your specific relationship, if you're romantically involved with somebody, then what they need from you might be different than what somebody else might need from you. I talk all the time that for 15 years, I played golf on my anniversary. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I write marriage books for a living, but my wife doesn't really care about the specific date. She says we can celebrate at any time. And there was this one golf tournament that fell every year.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:56]:
It was the only golf tournament that I really played in like this, where I would miss a weekend and I would play on that weekend. That was my anniversary. Why? Because my wife was okay with it. I would always tell people, don't necessarily do what I'm doing. It works for us. It may not work for you. So what are the unique things about your relationship. How much time does your spouse need from you? How much attention do they need? What does it actually look like in this specific season of life? What's demanded of you? That's the third question.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:24]:
What's demanded by this unique season? So when my kids were little, I never considered traveling very much. It's a job that I have where I can. I can speak, I can do all these things. And more recently, I've traveled a great deal. But when my kids were little, I wouldn't. Why? Because it was important for me to make sure that I was there, that I was supporting Jenny, I was putting the kids to bed. And so intentionally, I would not travel very much to speak, to write, to do any of those things, because at that season of life, I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Now here we are, years later, and now I was gone this weekend.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:57]:
I don't even think my 16 year old knew I was gone. Right. He might have came up from the basement at some point. But in this season, I can travel with a whole lot more flexibility and a whole lot more carelessness, knowing that it's not going to erode away those things that are most important to me. So. So in this unique season, what is new needed, needed from you? And then a question. A couple of questions. Who will you disappoint? Notice what this is saying.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:22]:
You're going to disappoint somebody that as you make hard choices, these hard choices don't come without consequence. And you are going to disappoint some people along the way that who are you okay with disappointing? And who are you not okay with disappointing? And the truth of the matter is, many times when we don't recognize that we can't have it all and do it all, the people we end up disappointing are the very ones that we're supposed to love the most. And so if you don't have intention about your life, you will actually end up hurting the very ones you're called to love the most. And then what dreams will you pursue? And what dreams will you give up? If you can't have it all and be it all, do it all? There are some things that maybe stir your spirit, but you're not going to be able to pursue after those things. In order to go after more important things, you're going to have to be willing to give up some good things. And here's what I think is so difficult about work life balance for a good number of us. I know it's specifically true within my own life. I'm really never given bad choices.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:26]:
If you look at the demands of my time and the opportunities where I have to place my time, there is rarely a scenario in which somebody comes to me and says, hey, Kevin, what do you think about giving time to this? And I look at that and I say, well, that's evil, or that's clearly wrong. It's clearly bad. If work life balance was just about making hard choices between that which is good and that which is bad, it would be an easy process to go through. But the problem is, we don't have to make hard choices between good and bad. We have to make hard choices between good and good. That. That every opportunity that really comes my way tend to be good opportunities where I can help people, I can find meaning and value. All these things are good.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:05]:
But now, among all these good choices, I have to determine which ones am I going to do, knowing that even as I choose one, I'm saying yes to one and saying no to another. And as I say no to another, that's going to disappoint somebody. And am I willing now to actually disappoint that person? So, whenever it comes to this idea of work life balance, I want us to, first and foremost, just throw away the metaphor, whatever it looks like, whether it be walking a balance, being like a gymnast, we are not skilled enough to walk that balance beam and live life, to do the flips and twirls and twists that we need to do to stay on the beam. It's not going to make it. Or if the idea of a work life balance is like that of a seesaw to where we have this perfect kind of balance between work and life, it's just not going to work that way. Think about what that means. Imagine if my job demands 12 hours from me. Does that mean now I have to give 12 hours to my family? Well, what about all the other time that that's expected from me? There's just not enough time to live in this perfect sense of balance.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:09]:
Balance is a mirage. It's an illusion that we cannot actually experience. And yet, as long as we are pursuing after it, it's going to do nothing but heap guilt and shame upon us. That's going to cause us to believe in the lie, greater that we can experience this even though we can't. So what do we do? Well, I think, in part, we change the metaphor. And I think the way that we do that is we look at how God actually created us to be. Think about a few things back. Genesis one and two there's a very specific order, specifically in Genesis one.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:42]:
There's this very specific order about how God created us. There's a rhythm that takes place in that passage that's so easy for us to miss specifically because we don't know Hebrew, but there's this rhythm of creation, of something being formless and void, and then God creating and then God filling. He creates and then he fills. Then there's rhythm. There was night and then there was morning. There was night, and there were. Then there was morning. And I think that begins to give us a concept of how we should pursue after our lives and what we were created to be.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:14]:
That we are not created for balance. We're actually created for rhythm. Think about it. There's morning and there's evening. There's. There's darken and there's day. So before electricity was formed, it was just very clear we couldn't work all the time. We couldn't have it all and do it all.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:31]:
We couldn't work endlessly. We could only work when the sun was up. Well, now we have created these hacks where we can work 24/7 but that doesn't now take away the main point, that we were actually meant to work some and rest some. Think about the idea of even three meals a day, that there's a time we should eat, and there's a time we should digest. There's a time that we should expend energy, and there's a time that we should begin to take in energy. Think about how the week itself begins to fit, that Monday looks different than Saturday and Sunday there is a work week. So God's going to give us this creative order of, you work six and then you rest one. So for six days, it's about producing, it's about what you can do.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:12]:
And for one day, it's about who you are, who God created you to be, to rest, to rejuvenate in what's going on. And so now I think the metaphor that we need to have in our minds is not one of work life balance, but one of work life rhythm. What are the rhythms that we need to engage in in order to be nourished ourselves. To make sure that we're accomplishing the task that we want to accomplish, to make this world a better place, to advance our careers, but then also to nourish the most important relationships in our lives. To make sure our kids understand who we are and that we're engaging and connecting with them, to make sure our spouses feel seen and loved and valued and heard and understood, what are the rhythms? And here's what I love about this metaphor of rhythm, is balance is not doable. Rhythm very much is. Just consider what rhythm does in music. Now, I'm not a music expert by any means, but just think about what it does for music.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:16]:
So rhythm provides structure. There's a vast difference between free bird and Rocky Mountain high. Those songs sound radically different, yet the same people might love both songs even though they feel radically different. It's the rhythm that provides the structure in that music that begins to give some scaffolding of here's what fits and here's what doesn't fit. And so it's rhythm that determines when things should be played and then when they shouldn't be played, to recognize that there's a difference. You know, I think this is something we theologically so often misunderstand, that even this concept of sin. So the theological concept of sin, missing the mark, right, is so often not an issue of action. It's actually an issue of timing.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:06]:
Sin so often is not necessarily doing the wrong thing. It's doing a good thing at the wrong time. So you go back to our first parents. There was nothing wrong with eating. It was they weren't supposed to eat this specific fruit that God had given to them. Eating at that moment was the wrong thing to do. You think about the idea of what's so often wrong to say about people probably isn't wrong to say to people, it's an issue of timing. Think about the idea of human sexuality, that if sex is saved for marriage, sex itself is not bad.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:43]:
It's, are you doing it in the right time with the right person? And so what rhythm does is it begins to show us, hey, this is the right time for this to happen, and this is the wrong time for this to happen. For many people who even feel like they're living out of balance, the issue is not that they're necessarily doing bad things, it's that they're. They're doing good things at the wrong time. If you're supposed to be fully engaged with your spouse and yet you have picked up your phone or your mind is going to work, there's nothing wrong with thinking about work. There's nothing wrong with engaging your phone. This is not the time to do it. If. If this is a moment where work desperately needs you and yet you are skipping out in order to.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:25]:
To play over here with your kids, playing with your kids is a great thing, but this might be the wrong time to do that. Rhythm shows us the time in which things should be done. It also dictates how long something should be played and how long it shouldn't. So every action has its right length of time that to go shorter is to cheat it, to go longer is to overplay it. And so rhythm begins to help us understand about that. Rhythm sets the pace, sets the pace of what's actually going to take place. It's a very fair question. What's the pace of your relationship? What's the pace with your family? One of the things Jenny and I very intentionally did is we wanted a slower pace for our family than what many other families live.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:14]:
And so maybe part of this is having our first child have down syndrome. And so maybe some of the original values that we had changed or maybe some of the opportunities, opportunities change, but. But I grew up in a very fast paced family, great, loving and kind, but we were gone every night, and there was this sport, my sisters and mine, and then other things. And we just lived at this very fast pace that Jenny and I just wanted no part of. And so we very intentionally, early on said, look, here's the pace of our family. And if something doesn't fit into that, we're going to have to think long and hard before we change the pace for something else. And so our kids weren't involved in every sport, so we were at home far more than many families are. Family meals were extremely important to us, and so we probably ate together as a family far more than many people.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:03]:
That's the pace we chose. I'm not saying that you should take on that pace, but what I'm saying is that your family has a pace that either you are intentionally choosing or just drifting into. And chances are, if you were drifting into a pace of very rarely will that pace be positive for you or for your family. And then also, what rhythm does is it helps us distinguish between the strong and the weak beats and the accents. Rhythm will say in a song, what matters more and then what can be added, but in the right place. You see, if something is meant to be an accent and yet it becomes the centerpiece. Think about the whole old fashioned skit. Was Saturday Night Live probably their most famous skit of more cowbell.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:47]:
The idea is, what makes that skit so funny is that the cowbell is meant to be an accent. It's an add on. It's meant to kind of be in the background to provide a little bit of a beat and rhythm, no doubt, but it's never meant to be the centerpiece. And what makes that skit so funny is it takes that which was meant to be an accent and makes it the primary form, and that becomes satirically humorous to us. And yet, so often what you and I do is we take that which is meant to be an accent, a kid, sport, some other aspect of life, and we make it the primary thing. And and whenever we do that, it's not funny. It's harmful to ourselves and harmful to our family. So we have to recognize that.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:36]:
We have to make hard choices. And here's what I think happens, is that healthy families embrace the constraints of healthy rhythms, that if you truly want to live not in work life balance, but if you truly want to live in the midst of what a healthy rhythm is, that you will embrace that this actually restricts you and to some extent, notice what's going on here. It's a contrarian way of life, but it's the way of Jesus in that we believe apart from faith. We believe just in our world, that if we can ever become sovereign over ourselves, make our own choices and our own decisions, that will lead to freedom. And so we live in that way where we do whatever it is that we want to do. But what's the byproduct of that? We get enslaved, enslaved by our own desires, enslaved by our own schedules. I think a lot of people are living their lives with this great feeling of enslavement, whereas Jesus invites us into a different way, and his way is now a submission, a willful submission that actually leads to freedom. And so what I think healthy people do is they have the ability to intentionally choose the right rhythms of life and then live in submission of those rhythms.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:54]:
It doesn't mean that, oh, you know what? I'm working six. I'm resting. One, I can never violate that in any way. It's not that, but it is, I recognize on a regular basis to be who I want to be in the long term, to be as a family who we want to be in the long term. I'm willing to submit myself to the schedule now that even if my work isn't done, I'm going to turn off the computer, I'm going to go home, even if there's a lot of demands that are going on. I'm going to make sure, I'm going to put my kids to bed. I'm going to eat the meal with them. I'm going to live in the midst of.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:26]:
Of these rhythms that are useful. And so it just raises a very simple question. What are the rhythms that will lead to a healthy marriage? And a healthy family. What are the rhythms that you need? How much time do your kids need from you? How much time does your spouse need from you? And when this week are you going to spend that time together? And is it, is it on the calendar? Is it, is it that your spouse is just going to get the leftover of your days? Or is there going to be some intention behind it? You see, here's what saddens me as a, as a guy who writes a lot about marriage, is this even from an intimacy standpoint, for many couples, their intimacy is always the last thing of the day. And while it's okay and it's useful to end your day in that way and then have good rest, hopefully. Here's the problem. The problem is if you regularly are giving all your energy to everybody else, what that communicates now to your spouse is you only get the leftovers of me. And if nothing is left over, you get nothing.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:34]:
And while that's okay one time or one day, whenever you get in that repeated kind of rut and pattern, that becomes very dangerous. And so what are the days that your spouse gets the best of you, the most energy, the most emotion? When are they at the forefront of your thinking and not the last thoughts? What is it and what are the patterns that a healthy relationship needs? And think about this. We need different types of rhythms, rhythms that have different outcomes. So we need some rhythms that produce connection. So we're going to intentionally engage in this kind of pattern among us because the byproduct of that pattern is connection. We feel united. This is for me and Jenny. This is one thing that a walk does for us.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:20]:
You hear me talk about this all the time, but whenever we take a 45 minutes walk together, at the end of that walk, generally we feel connected. We feel seen, heard, loved, valued, understood, listened to. We feel like we're on the same page. Some rhythms need to have the byproduct of connection. Well, some rhythms need to have the byproduct of rest that look at the end of this time. Whatever it is the result of that is, I feel rested. I feel now energized for whatever it is that I need to go out and do. Some.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:50]:
Some rhythms need to do that. They need to provide energy to us now, other rhythms need to kind of provide a sense of purpose, that we need to have these patterns in our lives that remind us of why we got married, that remind us of why we had kids, of what's really important in life. This is one aspect of hopefully what a weekly rhythm of corporate worship does for you is it reengages you in the great purposes of life that, left to our own devices, you and I will foolishly begin to chase after things that simply do not matter. And so I need on a regular basis to gather with a whole bunch of other people who believe in Jesus to remind myself of what's important and who I want to be. But you have to have all these different types of rhythms to add these different things. And one thing that you can do, just as you're driving or as you're listening, you can just begin to ask yourself, all right, if I wanted to write a prescription for a bad family, what would be the rhythms or the patterns that I would create? Think about it. Here's what I would do if I were to write a prescription of how you could fail. I would try to exhaust you, isolate you, and then distract you so it exhausts you to where you just live continuously on empty.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:07]:
So you really have no energy for that which is important in life. I would isolate you to where you. You feel alone. You feel unseen, unheard, unvalued and unloved. Your body would cry out for those things, but you would have no way to get them. Then I would distract you. And instead of keeping your eyes on those things that are really important over where it is that you want to go and who you want to be, I would distract you with a million little things that are going on, exhausted, isolated and distracted. What are the patterns that create that kind of lifestyle? You know what? The truth is, generally, the way we live.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:39]:
Generally, it's living life by accident. It's working endless hours. It's allowing work to creep into every aspect of who we are. It's not being intentional about spending time with our spouse, not being intentional about having times of rest where we disengage from work. It's not being intentional about spending time with our kids that isn't just built on what they can produce or what we can produce about grades or sports or other activities in which we're just enjoying that activity. Generally speaking, the way you and I live leaves us now exhausted, isolated and distracted. And so we can just look at the patterns of our own lives and go, look, if I was going to destroy somebody, I would have them live exactly like me. Well, once you recognize that, then I think you can change it.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:24]:
Because here's the thing. The question isn't if you and I have rhythms. We all have rhythms. It's are those rhythms producing the desired outcome that we want? And if you generally live with a sense of fulfillment, of engagement with self and with God, of having a general energy flow that even whenever you do get tired of, you know how to find a better way to regain that energy and live in a meaningful way. If you generally feel connected with your spouse, like your relationship is moving forward, you're spending proper amount of time with your kids. They know you. You know them. It's not just a transactional kind of process in which you're taking care of the grades and making sure they're doing what they're supposed to do, but instead you are actually meeting where their heart actually is.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:08]:
Then you don't have to listen to any of this. But. But if you feel within you any sense of man, I'm tired and I don't know what to do about it or my career is adrift. I feel a little bit disconnect from my spouse. I worry that I'm not giving my kids what it is that they actually need. I'm fixated and focused on all these other things. Then I think to take some time out and begin to look at some better rhythms becomes an extremely useful process. So let's just.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:38]:
Let's just end here with just a few thoughts of what are some meaningful rhythms that you can add into your life that will lead to what you desire whenever you think about work life balance, even though I don't think that's the metaphor that we want to chase after, here's what I know. Here's what Jenny and I have discovered. She and I need some patterns in our life that we know are going to happen unless something just crazy takes place to cause us to feel connected, cause us to be on the same page. So you've heard me say before walks three to four times a week, if at all possible. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the weather. But those 45 minutes walks really connect us. In the wintertime, whenever we can't do that because of the weather, we have a hot tub and we just go and for 45 minutes we're in there. We just talk.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:28]:
We connect in those moments. An ongoing kind of text conversation. She just texted me a minute ago, and it wasn't just about, hey, don't forget to pick up the kid. Don't forget to do this today. It is just a little bit of good news or a little bit of how are you? There has to be an ongoing kind of thread. So whenever I think about rhythms, think about it in this form of what are the daily rhythms? So on a daily basis, we need to have some text, some ongoing conversations. We may not get to see each other every single day. We may not get to on a walk.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:00]:
We may not get to spend a great deal of time together. But what she and I need on a regular occurrence is some type of communication. So that's a daily rhythm. Weekly rhythm. Okay, here's where we're getting in to. We're going to take a walk three, four, five times a week. We're going to worship together in church. We're going to eat a good number of meals together.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:19]:
It may not happen every day, but most days we're going to have at least one meal together, not only her and I, but actually as a family. And then what are some monthly rhythms that we need? Well, here now you're kind of getting into. I think that the date night, I don't. I don't think it's really doable. It might be. And if you can do it, great. Congratulations to you. I'm not convinced a weekly date night is manageable for a lot of couples, and it's never been an integral part for me and Jenny.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:47]:
But on a monthly basis, to take some intentional time where we're not just going to spend 45 minutes together, we're going to now spend a couple of hours. We're going to go do something enjoyable. We're going to break out of the routine. When the kids were little, we're going to have somebody take care of them. Where we have this one on one time. Those are kind of the monthly rhythms that I think people need. You need to have these kind of monthly conversations on the big issues of life. What is on the schedule, how are our finances? What's it looking like? What's around the house that we need to take care of beyond just what is the, the day to day kind of care? And then beyond that, some.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:23]:
Some bigger rhythms. Maybe for summits quarterly. Maybe for summit. It's annually for Jenny and I, it was always every year some type of vacation where it's just the two of us to break away from the day to day routine and check on each other's hearts, to just be in love again and to be able to experience one another without all the demands, just. Just breathe and not have something demanded of us in the moment. And then I do think even beyond that, there are these kind of decade rhythms of. To celebrate the big anniversaries, 2030 even, maybe on an odd number of 15 and 25. I think to begin to mark the passing of time and to celebrate these things becomes a.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:12]:
A useful kind of concept. I want to end kind of where we began. We began with this quote by Oliver Berkman from 4000 weeks in which he said nobody in the history of humanity has ever achieved work life balance. The good news is they have achieved work life rhythm. But let's end with this. You have to choose a few things, sacrifice everything else and deal with the inevitable sense of loss that results. That's from Oliver Berkman. I think the reason many couples suffer from a lack of work life balance is simply because they're not willing to deal with the grief that comes from the hard choices and turning down good things in order to have greater things.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:59]:
I think if you will look at your own life and look at your own relationship and begin to create some sustainable patterns, some rhythms of how you deal with today, how you deal with this week, with this month, this quarter, this year, this decade, if you will begin to create some predictable, healthy patterns and increase the number of good rhythms and begin to decrease the ruts of things that aren't sustainable, that don't bring life, I think you'll see a radical change within your relationship. It may not happen overnight, but I think it can happen over time. Work life balance is not possible. Work life rhythm very much is. And if marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance, use some intention today to change your rhythms, to change your family, which will change the odds. We'll see you next time.